shards of light

Truth

2011-08-17T08:00:00.001-04:00

How much easier life would be if I could learn a lesson once, and then walk away sufficiently grown and brilliant from that experience, ready for the the next one?

But then, I guess I wouldn't be human. Perhaps I could be Vulcan*, but I have a feeling that being a Vulcan, always so concerned with logic, wouldn't exactly be a party. I guess I will have to stick with humanity.

With everything that has gone on the in the last eight months with my nephew Jayden, you might think that I would be more quick to trust God, less quick to worry.

Unfortunately, if you thought that, you would have been wrong.

Last week, when I went for a pre-surgical check, before the minor surgery I am scheduled to have on my leg tomorrow, the doctor discovered that my blood pressure is high. Dangerously high were her actual words.

Not something that I was expecting.

Then there were other complications, some of which will have to be dealt with today, my last work day before I am off for the surgery.

Again, not something that I had planned.

So, what is a girl to do when all her plans seem to be preempted by intruders?

Well, this girl's first step is to worry. Then, thanks to some well-timed reminders, to pray. And then, this morning, when I pulled out my Life Journal, and let God's Word speak to my mildly turbulent soul, I was reminded that there is always Truth.

And Truth is strong.
Truth does not back down easily from a fight, because it doesn't have to.
That Truth can shine alone in the dark, because it can.
Truth cannot be bullied.
That Truth does not change with the circumstances.

And the Truth is, that God is love. And He loves me. And He wants me to be the very best version of me, the one that He created. And that doesn't include worrying about things beyond my control, but rather to trust in Him.

So today, no matter what happens, no matter what comes my way, I will stand firmly on Truth.

Standing anywhere else would be silly...

*For those of you who are not into Star Trek, this is a shameless Trekkie reference. I cannot even bring myself to be sorry for it. Live long and prosper.

The Reader {#280-282}

2011-08-15T10:00:00.003-04:00

Last week, in the Year with Rilke, I came across this poem, and it resonated deeply within me...

The Reader
by Rainer Maria Rilke

Who has not known a child like this,
who sinks into a deeper level of his being,
undisturbed by the swift turning
of each brimming page?
Even his own mother might wonder
if it is really he who sits there
saturated with his shadow.
And we, can we know
how much of him
disappears, as he reluctantly looks up
with eyes that yield
to the ready-made world without complaint?

—New Poems

How often, as a child did I find myself lost in book, preferring the world encountered on the page to that which we called real life? How many times did I choose to ignore my brothers to read and play with my favorite characters in a book? And when there was no book to read, how often did I pick up pen and paper, writing my own stories, creating my own worlds to dance and play in?

I couldn't put a number on it if I tried.

If I could choose to leave one part of myself to my niece and nephews, it would be this love of the written word, this love of books. Nothing makes my heart happier than when one of my little people picks up a book, either on their own, or to ask someone to read to them.

* * * * *

Today I am thankful for...

280:: for parents who, while they didn't fully understand my desire to constantly have my nose in a book, let me spend countless hours doing this thing that I loved.

281:: for authors who sacrificed their time, energy and stories to bring my imagination to life and create for me the infinite and endless playground of imagination.

282:: for the Bible, the ultimate book, and love letter from God. If there was only ever to be one book, this would be the one.

A Good Reminder

2011-08-10T11:00:00.002-04:00

For a while now, I have attempting to incorporate more prayer into my life. To help do this, I have been using a great book called The Divine Hours, which takes you through the four sets of prayer offices—morning, midday, vespers and compline.

To be honest, there have been times that I have been more faithful than others, but the process is one I will continue to weave into the fabric of my life.

This is an excerpt of my morning prayers. I know I have read it other days this week, but this morning, the full weight of the reminder hit me...

Grant to me, Lord. I pray, the spirit to think and do always those things that are right, that I, who cannot exist without you, may by you be enabled to live according to your will; through Jesus Christ my Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, forever and ever. Amen.

...I, who cannot exist without you...

In the busy-ness of life, I forget that I cannot exist without God.

In my self-importance, I forget that without my Creator, I am and have nothing.

That I have no hope of living the life He has called me to without him.

That all I have and all I am is solely because of Him.

Today, when I am surrounded by all the things that will demand my focus and attention and time and energy, I will remember this beautiful reminder.

You would think...

2011-08-09T10:00:00.000-04:00

For someone who has been a follower of Jesus for as long as I have, I dwell way too much in the land of the humanly possible, the physically believable. Those things which are provable and measurable by human and earthly laws.

But for someone who believes in a God—

who created everything from nothing

who made a walking path through the Red Sea

who gave a donkey the words someone needed to hear

who arranged a ride for a wayward prophet in the belly of a whale

—you wouldn't think that I would get so hung up on the challenges of my own life.

You would think that I would trust more in a God—

who used a little mud to cure blindness

who walked on water

who raised his friend Lazarus from the dead

who raised Himself from the dead

—than in my own logic and only that which my eyes can see.

You would think...

One Thing {#270-279}

2011-08-08T07:30:00.001-04:00

He (the formerly blind man) answered, "Whether [Jesus] is a sinner I do not know. One thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see." {John 9:25}

When he woke up that morning, of all the things that this man, blind from birth, thought that the day might hold, I am pretty sure that looking into the angry faces of Pharises defending the circumstances of his healing was not at all one of them.

After all, the poor man was just sitting there, minding his own business, when Jesus saw him, made some mud with his saliva, and gave him the gift of vision he had never had before.

But, as usual, where Jesus is concerned, people like to complicate things.

First there was the matter that the vision-inducing mud-making happened on the Sabbath. Then, they had to drag the man's parents in to confirm that he had indeed been blind since birth, and not just faking it. The parents are afraid, and tell the Pharisees to ask the man himself. They are afraid to say anything remotely good about Jesus, because the Pharisees only want to hear people say he is a sinner. That there is no way he could be God.

The whole situation seems to have been blown quite ridiculously out of proportion.

But for the blind man—seeing angry faces for the first time, marveling at what the sun looks like suspended in a cerulean blue sky, watching leaves on trees dance in the wind—for him, there is only one thing. All the proof he needs about who Jesus is is wrapped up in this one thing—yesterday I was blind, today I can see.

Sometimes I over-complicate not only my life, but my relationship with God. I feel that I must do this, and this, and this, and then, if I have messed up on any of them, I must get it right before God can love and accept me. But in my overcomplication, I forget the one thing that I know...

This one thing I know: God is love.

When I feel most alone and unlovable and hopeless and pathetic and useless, God still loves me. When I have messed up more than more my share, when I have failed to be who I know God wants me to be, even if everyone else justifiably turns their back on me, God's love will never fail.

I need to remember the simplicity of this.

Like the blind man, yesterday I was blind, now I see. No one else could ever have brought about such a change.

I am going to stick with Him.

* * * * *

Today I am thankful for...

270:: the One Thing of knowing that Jesus loves me.

271:: phone calls that remind me how blessed I am to have all the beautiful people I have in my life.

272:: passport photos that don't make me look like a felon this time around.

273:: finding a cookbook I really wanted for only $5.

274:: that there are only 60 days left until I leave for Paris.

275:: the leaders of my church, and how much time, effort and love they put into serving.

276:: the lemony smell of Pledge after you finish dusting.

277:: crockpots, and walking into your home at the end of a long day, and knowing dinner is ready, ~~even~~ especially if you live alone.

278:: coffee, beautiful coffee.

279:: the beginning of a new week to serve and glorify God.

How blessed I am...

How to be a better listener

2011-08-04T11:00:00.001-04:00

Given the silence theme of my week, when I came across this TED Talk by sound expert Julian Treasure, I decided to give the video the eight minutes.

I was not disappointed.

Mr. Treasure begins the video with the words, 'We are losing our listening.' I could not agree more. He goes on to talk about the world we around us, how we listen to it, and how to become better listeners.

The first of the five exercises designed to help us listen better is [*spoiler alert*] silence.

Enjoy this, it's well worth the almost eight minutes.

Unafraid of What Is Difficult

2011-08-02T11:00:00.001-04:00

You know how at times it seems like there is Something out there trying to send you a message?

Yeah, me too.

After yesterday's Life Journal entry, the one from Psalm 62, about silence and waiting, when I turned on my Kobo this morning, to read today's reading from, A Year With Rilke, this is what greeted me:

Unafraid of What Is Difficult
Don't be confused by the nature of solitude, when something inside you wants to break free from your loneliness. This very wish, when you use it as a tool for understanding, can illumine your solitude and expand it to include all that it is. Bound by conventions, people tend to reach for what is easy. It is clear, however, that here we must be unafraid of what is difficult. For all living things in nature must unfold in their particular way and become themselves at any cost and despite all opposition.
—Rainier Maria Rilke
Rome, May 14, 1904
Letters To A Young Poet

Yes, silence and solitude—heck—ALL the spiritual disciplines are difficult. Everything that causes you to grow has difficulty that comes automatically with it. I don't need to discipline myself to eat potato chips; that comes perfectly naturally to me. But I do need to push myself to eat broccoli.

So, while yesterday's goal of the week may not have started out well, I am continuing to press on...

Silence & Waiting {#259-269}

2011-08-01T08:49:00.005-04:00

For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. {Psalm 62:1}

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. {Psalm 62:5}

Waiting and silence.

To be honest, not exactly my two favorite things.

I've wrestled with waiting, and I know its importance. I understand that waiting isn't always a spectator sport, that sometimes, when you are waiting for something, the most important thing you can do is to keep living, keep learning, so that when the thing you are waiting for arrives, you are ready.

But the addition of silence to the equation changes things immensely.

Silence—the removal of noise and distractions and diversions, all the things that can help one forget that they might actually be waiting for, or lacking something—leaves just me, sitting before God, no toys to amuse me, no words to nothing to draw God's attention away from all the areas that I still don't trust, still am not obedient, still am lacking.

Waiting in silence removed the facade of words that I tend to use to attempt to justify my bad ideas and actions, or excuse my bad decisions.

Silence is a game-changer.

I am comfortable with noise. I get noise. When I am working, there is seldom time when I do not have music, or a movie, or a podcast playing in the background. As a young girl with three brothers who had an uncanny ability to make a ridiculous amount of noise, when they wanted my attention, and I wanted to read, I would curl up in front of our stereo's huge speakers, my left ear pressed against the music, a finger in my other ear, and happily read for hours.

Again, I am comfortable with noise.

But if you believe David's words above, silence needs to go hand in hand with waiting, to give us the vitally important things we need for our daily lives—things like hope and salvation. And I do believe this, it is just hard.

So, this week, I am practicing the spiritual discipline of silence. The New Living Translation of Psalm 62:5 reads, "Let all that I am wait quietly before God."

This is my goal for this week.

* * * * *

Today I am thankful for...

259:: homemade strawberry jam to share with friends.
260:: COBS cranberry custard scone and tea.

261:: baking mini jam tarts for coworkers.
262:: a quiet evening at home to attempt to get my world back to 'normal'.

263:: having the opportunity to read and review some amazing books.

264:: a walk through the Farmer's Market.

265:: getting to have one more movie night with Alicia before she heads back to Senegal.

266:: my dear friend Alicia herself, who has a beautiful hospitality of presence, you cannot help but feel comfortable and at home with her.

267:: my weekly coffee date with Laura, where we fix the world and laugh at ourselves.

268:: a holiday Monday giving me an opportunity to do all the little things that I need to before surgery later this month.

269:: for the reminder to wait in silence before my God.

A Clock of a Different Kind

2011-07-29T08:30:00.002-04:00

But you must not forget this one thing, dear friends: A day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day. The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent. {2 Peter 3:8,9}

It doesn't look like we humans have changed all that much since Peter wrote those words shortly after Jesus' death. We still want what we want, when we want it. And if we have to wait longer then we deem necessary, things begin to fall apart.

The folks Peter is writing to are waiting. Waiting for God to keep His promises. Waiting for Him to move, and to fulfill that which some of them heard from Jesus' own lips.

But nothing happens.

Well, not exactly nothing. Life still went on, but what they were waiting for didn't happen.

And while they are waiting in the nothingness, questions and doubts walked right in through the open door.

But Peter reminds them—and us—that God has a different kind of clock and calendar than we do. A different plan. He does things His way, and is not limited by human understanding, or merely what His eyes can see.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. {Isaiah 55:8,9}

It's not my job to understand and to know the full timing of God's plan in my life or in the world. My job is to trust. To be faithful. To love justice and mercy and to show them to the world. To believe that regardless what my eyes see, God is still in charge, will keep His promises, and has a plan that isn't for me to worry about.

My job is to be faithful...

Fairy Tale Junkie

2011-07-28T07:00:00.005-04:00

Is it just me, or does this look ridiculously, brilliantly awesome?

Why I think this will be brilliant:

I love all things fairy tale-ish.
I love stories that begin with, 'Once upon a time...', even if they don't end, 'happily ever after.'
I still miss LOST, and if the writers are half as good in this as they were there, then I will gladly open my life back up to the joy of television that brings mystery and wonder into my life.
If I was ever going to give up city life, it would be to live in an enchanted town, even it it was ruled by an evil queen.
This all reminds me of one of my favorite Rilke quotes,

How should we be able to forget those ancient myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses; perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us. {Rainer Maria Rilke}

And how perfectly delightful that the show doesn't begin until after I get home from Paris!?

Are you a fairy-tale lover as well?

Review: Untitled: Thoughts on the Creative Process by Blaine Hogan

2011-07-27T14:30:00.002-04:00

{Normally, book reviews would happen over at my Page Addict blog, but this one is different, given my recent thoughts on creativity, which is why we are here today.}

Every once in a while you come across a book that you know will be important to your life.

Untitled: Thoughts on the Creative Process is exactly such a book.

I used to believe that truly creative people didn't and shouldn't have to work at it. That brilliance should flower and swirl out of the tips of a creative person's fingers even when they weren't trying. But now, after more than half a decade as a graphic designer, the days when it feels like I will never have another creative idea again, outnumber the others more than I want to admit.

Every person in an even remotely creative field knows the pressure of having to create something from nothing in a compressed time period. Blaine Hogan, creative director at Willow Creek Community Church, also knows and understands the demands of needing to be creative under the relentless pressure of deadlines.

This understanding has given him a unique and passionate outlook of the courage and—yes— hard work it takes to meet the creative demands of our work and life. While not pulling any punches, it is a conversational, practical and hope-filled manifesto, written by someone who has traveled this road before us.

It doesn't matter what creative field you find yourself in, Untitled will make you better at what you do. Even if you are not in a traditionally creative field, there is still much you can glean from this book.

I could gush—and friends would tell you that I have—about this book, but honestly, I don't need to. Right now, go buy the book, let it speak for itself. Read it. And when you are finished reading it, don't be surprised if, like me, you want to read it again.

You simply won't be sorry.

Showing Up

2011-07-26T11:00:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about the creative process lately. Given some books I've been reading, as well as the blogs of some fantastically brilliant people, this topic is one that keeps coming up again and again.

When you work in a creative field, it sometimes feels like you have to be creative on demand. At PORTICO, there is always a new sermon series coming up, or brochure, and every week there has a Sunday means that there are a whole lot of elements that go into our worship services.

There are days when it feels like the demand for creativity far exceeds the supply I have.

There was a time when I believed that to be truly creative, one shouldn't have to work at it at all. That creative energy should just flow like swirls from the fingertips. That a truly creative person could sneeze onto a window pane and it would be a thing of beauty.

I no longer believe in this fairy tale.

Which is part of the reason I've been thinking about all this. In truth, I am still solidifying exactly what my creative process looks like. There are elements that I are fairly set into my routine. The three pages that I write every morning {a la Julia Cameron's morning pages in The Artist's Way}, as well as read whatever I can find on the subject, and limit the amount of time I spend in front of a screen or monitor.

And every month, I sit down and design a desktop calendar, mostly for myself, although I have recently discovered that there are those out there who use them as well, which is kind of fun.

The 'rules' when I design my desktop calendars, are simple. Every month, my goal is to make this month's calendar like nothing I have worked on in the last month. If I have used a photo in a certain way in the previous month, or learned and used a new technique, or even drew a flower in a certain way, then it cannot be done for this month's calendar. Whatever the idea is, it has to be like nothing else I have done in the last 30 days. Sometimes it works out, sometimes...not so much.

When I began working on August's desktop calendar last week, I had a specific Bible verse that I wanted to use. But every time I started typing the words, I ended up typing, 'Be still and know that I am God'. Not the verse I wanted, but I ended up giving in to it. After a while, I got tired of fighting it.

Here is the final product:

Then, my sister-in-law Loralie wrote a post on Jayden's CaringBridge blog yesterday afternoon. In her beautiful way, she described how these past few months have affected her, and how she had been running, avoiding, keeping busy for fear that she wouldn't be able to hold it together if she actually stopped and though about her son having cancer.

Then, she had a breakthrough. I will let you read the post in her own words, but I will share the last line of her post...

"So today I sit and rest and be still and know that He is God."

As I read it, I simultaneously started to laugh and cry. Suddenly, I knew that this one was for Loralie, not me.

This grace-filled realization that sometimes, you can do all the planning—all the prep work, come at it with armed with sketches and dreams and preconceived notions—but sometimes, you just need to show up to do the work, and God will take you and what you've brought, and breathe a breath into it that makes it into something far greater than you ever imagined.

Sometimes, you just have to show up.

Who holds my hand {#247-258}

2011-07-25T06:58:00.006-04:00

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you.' {Isaiah 41:13}

There are times, when looking at certain situations in my life, that the overwhelming emotion is one of hopelessness.

A bad habit to overcome.

Situations well beyond my control.

Good changes that never seem to stick around for more than a few days.

Somehow, I get it into my head that if I only try harder, then it will all work out. That it will mean more if I can do it myself, and then bring it to God to show Him that He is right in loving me, because I am not a total failure.

And to make things worse, the harder I try, the bigger and grander failure and disappointment seems to be... and the more alone it all makes me feel.

And then I come across a verse like Isaiah 41:13, and am reminded that I was never supposed to go it alone. I once again remember Who it is who holds my hand, and when He whispers, 'Don't be afraid, I am here to help you', it is not a reprimand, but a reminder of truth. And that I was never meant to do it all on my own, but rather to walk with my God, who wants me to trust him.

I need to remember Who holds my hand...

* * * * *

Today I am thankful for...

247:: He who holds my hand.

248:: that Jayden's bedsore is healing!

249:: butternut squash pasta with butternut squash pasta sauce. pure yum...

250:: a brand new jar of sweet pickles.

251:: a super comfy Roots chair to take a Sunday afternoon nap in.

252:: my beautiful, beautiful niece, Megan.

253:: that there are only 74 days left until I get on a plane to go to my happy place.

254:: books, and the ability to read.

255:: living so close to the GO station, making trips to downtown Toronto so very easy.

256:: emails that make me smile.

257:: a job that I love!

258:: that every day is a new chance to trust God more.

How To Be Great

2011-07-21T11:00:00.006-04:00

He {Hezekiah} trusted in the Lord God of Israel; so that after him was none like him among all the kings of Judah, nor any that were before him. {2 Kings 18:5}

In a sea of kings of Israel and Judah whose primary descriptor was, 'he did evil in the eyes of the Lord', Hezekiah stands gloriously out. Not only did he do 'right in the eyes of the Lord', but he also trusted God, and according to the verse above, that trust made him great.

I don't know about you, but when I think of great people, it's usually the blindingly intelligent, the charismatic leaders, the overwhelmingly talented, the fearless fighting for injustice, or the hugely selfless giving themselves to improve the world, that I think of.

But here we find another yardstick for greatness, and the secret to Hezekiah's success. This one thing that set him apart from his predecessors, and all who came after him was this one thing: he trusted in God.

I am subscribing to King Hezekiah's One-Step to Being The Best King Ever plan: Trust God. Keep trusting God. And when you get up tomorrow, if the world seems to be crumbling before your very eyes, keep trusting God.

After all, who doesn't want to be great?

You are what you chase...

2011-07-19T11:00:00.004-04:00

They went after false idols and became false... {2 Kings 17:15}

There's an old saying that goes, you are what you eat. Moms tend to throw that one out there when their kids prefer Twinkies over vegetables, thinking that somehow the prospect of being broccoli would be better than being golden, spongy, cream-filled goodness. {Clearly this argument didn't get my mom very far!}

But in today's Life Journal reading, when I read the middle of verse 15 and found the words above, it hit me that it's not only the things that we put inside of us that determine who we are, but also the things that we follow.

In the NIV translation, false is translated, worthless. The NASB calls it vanity. No matter how you stack it up, it's not good.

Even after being given strict and direct instructions from God Himself to worship and follow only Him, the Israelites still went off in the other direction, worshiping golden livestock, and every other god they could find from whatever rock they could dig it up under. They always seemed to want more.

How very much like the Israelites we still are today.

Sure, our idols may not resemble cattle, but we follow them nonetheless.

Money.
Stuff.
Entertainment with—at best—questionable morality.
More stuff.
Mindless diversions.

And these things that we follow leave us much the same as the things themselves: greedy, empty, hollow, immoral. Not a life anyone would claim to aspire to. And greatly contrasting to the life James talks about in another of today's Life Journal readings...

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. {James 3:17}

So, the question of the day is, who or what are you chasing after?

Unshakeable {#237-246}

2011-07-18T07:58:00.009-04:00

Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire. —Hebrews 12:28

If there is anything I have learned in this life, it is that nothing is secure. Things shake and wobble and fall down and break.

Nothing is secure.

Sitting here, I can think of many of the ways that my world has been shaken over the years. My family's car accident back in 1977. Gram's heart attack. Work issues. Dad's stroke. Death. Mom's cancer. Most recently, my nephew Jayden's cancer.

So many things that could leave one feeling turned inside out and upside down.

Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken...

As crazy as life can get, how grateful my heart is that none of the things that take my breath away, take God by surprise. None of these things that so shake my world, cause even a tremor is His. He, like His kingdom, is unshakeable.

And for this, today I worship my God...

* * * * *

Today I am thankful for...

237:: God's unshakeable kingdom.

238:: air conditioning on a crazy hot day.

239:: working my way back into routine.

240:: crossing things off the to-do lists.

241:: turning the last page of a delightfully entertaining book.

242:: starting and finishing a beautifully written memoir in 24 hours!

243:: the anticipation of a weekend visit from a good friend.

244:: a beautiful day to visit Niagara-on-the-Lake with @labellaverita.

245:: conversations full of both laughter and tears.

246:: the gift of two decades of friendship.

Being Broken

2011-07-15T07:08:00.005-04:00

One of the daily readings books I have going this year is Henri Nouwen's Bread For the Journey. The reading from this book for today is one that has hit me where I am, and I wanted to share it with you...

Being Broken
—Henri Nouwen
Jesus was broken on the cross. He lived his suffering and death not as an evil to avoid at all costs but a mission to embrace. We too are broken. We live with broken bodies, broken hearts, broken minds, or broken spirits. We suffer from broken relationships.

How can we live in our brokenness? Jesus invites us to embrace our brokenness as he embraced the cross and live it as part of our mission. He asks us not to reject our brokenness as a curse from God that reminds us of our sinfulness but to accept it and put it under God's blessing for our purification and sanctification. Thus, our brokenness can become a gateway to new life.

May we all find God's peace in our brokenness...

86 days until...

2011-07-13T17:40:00.002-04:00

...I can walk in le jardin du Luxembourg once again.

book!

2011-07-12T11:01:00.000-04:00

I make no apologies for the fact that I read.

A lot.

So, when I say that I have read an absolutely brilliant memoir, and that it would be in everyone's best interest to do so as well, I don't say it lightly.

Today, on my Page Addict blog, I have posted a review of Ian Morgan Cron's, Jesus, My Father, the CIA, and Me. I loved this book. And I am fortunate enough to be able to give a copy away to a lucky reader. All you have to do is comment on the review, answering the question at the end of the post {and shoot me an email so I know how to contact you if you are the winner}.

Good luck... and see you over there!

Leaning {#215-236}

2011-07-11T06:55:00.006-04:00

"In that day the remnant of Israel and the survivors of the house of Jacob will no more lean on him who struck them, but will lean on the Lord, the Holy one of Israel, in truth." —Isaiah 10:20

As I read this verse this morning, the thing that struck me is that the people of Israel, in the good days to come, are not standing on their own two feet. There is no expectation for them to stand, but instead to lean. To me, I would assume that their standing would be the goal. But no... it is the destiny of God's people is not to stand, but instead to lean. And not just lean, but lean on the right thing—God and His truth.

As an independent person, a single girl who lives alone, I am a big fan of standing on my own two feet. My parents did a great job of teaching me how to do just so. After all, when you are the only one, you've got to take care of everything yourself. If I don't take the garbage out—as much as I hate the task—it doesn't get taken out. For the most part, I have become pretty adept at standing on these two size-ten feet.

But again, the assumption in this verse, and in others that have come to mind as I write this, is that our natural human posture isn't so much standing, but leaning.

The question—the truly important question—is what are we leaning on?

Too often I tend to trust my own 'wisdom' as my leaning post. (Apparently I have a short memory, as my own wisdom has, at times, been about as solid as a bowl of Jell-o!) Emotions, fickle as they can be, are no where near strong enough to lean on, especially in the dark, hard days.

Far too often in my life I have chosen to lean on things never designed to bear my weight or be trusted, and I have felt the accompanying pain of stumbling, and even hitting the ground.

There is only One that I can truly lean on, who is strong enough to hold me up, even when I am at my weakest.

Oh, for the grace to lean only on my God and His truth...

* * * * *

Today I am thankful for...

215:: the glory that are to-do lists.

216:: summer roasted vegetables for dinner.

217:: having lunch with my favorite niece, Megan, on her birthday.

218:: getting to read Jayden one of my favorite Dr. Seuss stories.

219:: handing out with the parents.

220:: a clear day to see the mountains from afar.

221:: finding the good coffee at the Alberta Children's Hospital.

222:: getting to watch SYTYCD with others who love it too!

223:: a good night's sleep after a horrible one.

224:: the excitement of our summer interns at PORTICO.

225:: a day off.

226:: being so blessed as to live in a free country.

227:: Starbucks Passion Fruit Lemonade on a hot day.

228:: not needing glasses!

229:: connecting with old friends visiting from Africa.

230:: a photo wave 'hi' from the Alberta Children's Hospital all the way to Mississagua.

231:: surgery going well, a little boy home playing trains.

232:: walking to the Streetsville Farmer's market with Saundra and buying the most fragrant strawberries ever!

233:: movie night with the girls and strawberry belgian waffles.

234:: a whole weekend of good sleep.

235:: waking up early to do my Life Journal, another step to getting the routine back.

236:: a God I can fully trust to lean on.

surviving summer

2011-07-01T14:00:00.012-04:00

July 1. Canada Day. The official beginning of summer, with all its heat, humidity and glaring, burning sun.

The only word that all this brings to mind: ick.

If you don't know me, or haven't been around my little corner of the internet, then you may not know that I hate summer, and all that it brings. My usual goal for each summer is simple: endure until life gets more bearable.

In an effort to not just endure, once again this summer, I am giving myself a to-do list of things that hopefully will keep my mind off of the unbearable heat and on something more productive, more creative.

Here is this summer's list of diversions...

The 25 books of summer. If you follow my Page Addict blog, you would be well aware that my goal of reading 60 books this year has been seriously derailed during the first half of this year. I am considerably behind. But with this new mini reading goal, 25 books will definitely catch me up. The one I am reading right now, Jesus, My Father, the CIA, and Me' is absolutely brilliant. I began it last night, and will be surprised if I am not finished it by the time I go to bed tomorrow night. My review will be on the PA blog, and I will even be giving away a copy of it to one lucky reader.

RWE writing prompts. Back in the beginning of June, I began to do some writing exercises from the Ralph Waldo Emerson website. Unfortunately, my vacation in Calgary kind of derailed me from that, first being so busy as I was immersed in family, then the tiredness and mini-jet lag once I returned. But this summer, I have no reason to not continue them. There are still 29 to do, and my goal is to have them all done by Labor Day.

Being a local tourist. It has been a while since I have done some at home touristing. The AGO, Casa Loma, downtown Oakville, Niagara-on-the-Lake are all places that I would love to visit sometime during these 68 days.

Re-establishing routine. Since vacation in June, my routine has been absolutely demolished. Every morning, my goal is to write three pages in a composition notebook before I do anything else. Julia Cameron calls them 'morning pages' and the goal is to clear out the mental cobwebs and anything else lingering in my head before the creative work of the day begins. There is also my Life Journal, daily Bible reading and jouraling, that has taken a hit in the consistency department in the last few weeks. My goal for the summer is to get back on track in both of these disciplines.

Finding beauty. Of my three words of the year: beauty, grace and simplicity, the one that I have been ignoring the most is definitely beauty. There are multiple reasons for this, but this summer, I plan to focus on it. Every day, my goal is to take a photo of something that I consider beautiful. It will mean bringing my camera with me everywhere, which is something I have grown unaccustomed to, and taking the time to look for the beauty shielded by everyday life. These I will post to my Creative Disorder blog.

Study french. Given that I will be visiting my happy place, Paris in 98 days, it is important to me that I learn as much as I can of the language of my heart's home.

Well, there you have it. This is my plan to survive summer. What about you? Do you have any summer plans/goals/to-do lists?

Ah, fear...

2011-06-08T22:25:00.003-04:00

#Trust30 Writing Prompt

The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them. —Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now. (Author: Mary Jaksch)

* * * * *

Ah, fear.

For a long time I had convinced myself that fear played no real part in my life. But the reality is that even if you put a different label on something, it doesn't actually change what it is. As I write this, I cannot help but hear Juliet's infamous quote, as written by William Shakespeare,

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose 
By any other name would smell as sweet."

By the same token, calling fear anything else, does not change what it actually is.

So, what is it that I fear?

I. fear. failure.

You have no idea how much those three words pain me. They are just so banal. So common. So prosaic.

So everything that I don't want to be in my life.

But it is true. I fear failure. It keeps me from trying things that I really want to do. It intimidates me when I lie awake at night, taunting, telling me that what I have done, what I can do, isn't enough, and never will be enough. It prods me towards procrastination. Makes me second guess and question the validity of both my design and writing work. It makes me stay in the safe, well-lit playgrounds of creativity instead of heading out to discover the dark, undiscovered, dangerous ones. Keeps me silent, for fear of being wrong, or thought stupid. It keeps me craving a perfection that does not exist, ignoring the beauty that is right before me.

When it all comes down to it, fearing failure is kind of ridiculous. How can you get anywhere without learning, and what better way to learn than first-hand experience?

And besides, for someone who has failed as often as I have, and gotten up and kept going, shouldn't I be less afraid of something that I know isn't actually fatal?

What a beautiful grace that the fears, and failures of our past, do not have to define us, so long as we don't let them.

Choosing to be brave...

Five Years—either way

2011-06-07T20:57:00.008-04:00

There will be an agreement in whatever variety of actions, so they be each honest and natural in their hour. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

What would you say to the person you were five years ago?
What will you say to the person you’ll be in five years?

(Author: Corbett Barr)

* * * * *

The unthinkable will happen. But none of it will take God by surprise.

Without the unthinkable, you wouldn't be who you are today.

Many of the things you think are vitally important today won't matter in ten years.
What things?

Take your good intentions and power them with hard work and love.
The cost of making dreams come true is forgotten in light of the gain.

Many things, including making pie crust, aren't as hard as you think they are.
Pass the pie, please.

Stop thinking you need to do it all yourself.
Needing community is not weakness.

Your heart will break in ways you cannot imagine.
There is a beautiful grace in heartbreak and beyond.

Stop worrying about being perfect.
Some of your greatest achievements were 'mistakes'.

Don't let fear control you.
Don't let fear control you.

Keep watching LOST. You won't be sorry.
I still don't get the whole polar bear thing...

Never give up.
Thank you.

* * * * *

Today I am beginning #Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Each day there is a prompt, and the goal is to take that prompt and go from there.

remembering the gratitude... {#207-214)

2011-06-06T08:30:00.000-04:00

"I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder." —G.K. Chesterton

There are weeks when the gratitude—the seeing and naming of the gifts of God—seems to flow like a swollen spring stream. Then, there are others when I must force my eyes to see what is right in front of me.

Then there are weeks like these that I am in.

Weeks of crazy busyness.

Days when all that runs around my mind are the things yet undone, all those details that must be taken care of before I can get on the airplane on Friday night and feel as though everything here is good.

These are the days I am living in.

And the thing that gets sacrificed, is the noticing. I know the gifts are there. I can see them all around me, the ways God shows His love for me... I am just too busy to write them down. And at the end of the day, when my head finally stops spinning, remembering them to write them down is almost impossible.

So, there are not many gifts this week, not for a lack of them existing, just for a lack of paying attention.

This week, no matter how busy it will be, I will force myself to pay attention.

* * * * *

I am thankful for...

207:: a co-worker who always remembers to send me what I need before I need it... actually, well before I need it!

208:: a bus shelter in a torrential downpour.

209:: blonde{r} hair!

210:: Italian strawberry cake {photo to come}

211:: gracious friends who ate and raved about the cake, even though it wasn't completely baked, albeit very yummy, if I may say so myself!

212:: movie night with the girls.

213:: Sunday afternoon naps.

214:: "I have not stopped thanking God for you..." {Ephesians 1:16} All the friends who make my life the beautiful place that it is; this week in particular, my movie night girls, Barbara, Erynne, Merrilee, Jenn & Lyndsay. And, although absent geographically, always present in my soul on a movie night, Alicia...who comes home this week! {something else to be thankful for!}

What are you grateful for?

128 days

2011-06-01T05:57:00.001-04:00

Change your words. Change your world.

2011-05-31T12:19:00.002-04:00

One of the church communications people I follow, Tim Schraeder, tweeted this video. Its message is immensely powerful to me, both in my role as a church communications chick, and a writer.

Perhaps, even more simply, as a human being.

Good Words {#191-206}

2011-05-30T07:04:00.007-04:00

Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad. —Proverbs 12:25

I love how this verse perfectly explains the power that one person's well-placed words can have on a heavy heart.

I can think back to times when my own heart was heavy and anxiety-ridden, and a few simple words from a friend, or even a stranger, made what was seemingly impossible to carry a bit easier, a bit lighter.

Too often, only the negative gets expressed in our culture. There seems to be no shortage of people and words designed to correct us, chastise us, or tell us what someone else thinks we are doing wrong...

...or nothing gets said. When something positive comes to mind that I could say, too often I choose not to, thinking that the other person probably doesn't need to hear what I have to say, or will think that I am a creeper, or just weird.

But as I sit here over my bowl of Cheerios, to my recollection, no kind, heart-lightening words ever spoken to me—by friend or stranger—was ever unneeded, ever unwanted.

Not one.

And if I could use some good words in my life, then chances are, so do those around me.

"In life you can never be too kind or too fair; everyone you meet is carrying a heavy load." —Brian Tracy

* * * * *

I am thankful for...

191:: the end of fireworks and the beginning of sleep!

192:: the first read of what has become a new favorite book, full of love, wonder and hope.

193:: a few days of quiet and rest to regain what I had lost.

194:: having both cotton puffs and ear drop to fight off an ear infection.

195:: the fact that wisdom isn't hidden, but still must be sought after.

196:: finally booking our flight to Paris!

197:: getting a room at my very favorite hotel in the world—the only place in Paris I have ever stayed.
198:: getting to now actually plan the trip. {130 days!}

199:: D & L getting some great news about Jayden, and the fact that he doesn't need to have radiation.

200:: a raspberry white chocolate scone from Kate's Bakery.201:: two words of life: Cafe Americano.

202:: time spent with a good friend, sharing our lives.

203:: making pie crust for the first time, and the fact that it actually worked! {no more fear!}

204:: that my parents are living a dream and are going to Ireland.

205:: for a job that I love, and the excitement to get back to it this morning.

206:: for all the kind words ever spoken to me—in person, electronically, on paper—and how they lifted my heart when I needed it.

favorite things: 133

2011-05-27T07:13:00.009-04:00

Happy Friday, my friends!

If you've spent much time in these parts, it would be no surprise to you that my favorite place, favorite city, the place I always want to be, is Paris, France. Old news.

So, why is 133 one of my favorite things?

Because as of last night, in only 133 days, my friend Barbara and I ARE GOING TO PARIS!

That is right! After months of talking and pre-planning and getting our hopes up, only to have them dashed by rising fuel costs and their way of ballooning air costs, last night, we booked not only our flight, but also {and I just got the confirmation email} my home away from home, the Familia Hotel. {11 rue des Ecoles, Paris, FR 75005—just in case you were wondering!}

We will see this...

And climb this...

And drink this...
And walk on bridges over this...

Only 133 more sleeps!

But Wait...There's More!

2011-05-27T07:12:00.000-04:00

As if yesterday wasn't fantastical enough, with Paris finally being a go, not to mention So You Think You Can Dance is back on television, but D & L {brother & sister-in-law} got some good news about Jayden!

I'll let Doug tell you in his own words...

As Each Day Requires {#178-190}

2011-05-23T07:46:00.005-04:00

"Christ... is always there at the door of our souls, wanting to enter in, though he does not force our consent. If we agree to his entry, he enters; directly we cease to want him, he is gone. We cannot bind our will today for tomorrow; we cannot make a pact with him that tomorrow he will be with us, even in spite of ourselves. Our consent to his presence is the same as his presence. Consent is an act. It can only be actual, that is to say in the present. We have not been given a will that can be applied to the future." —Simone Weil

You know those times when it seems like God is trying to get you to pay attention to something, and in your humanness, you either write it off to coincidence, ignore it for the diversion of whatever is in front of you, or you just simply don't get it?

Yeah, I'm having one of those times.

My favorite Moleskine journal happens to be my very first one. Christmas 2006, my friend Ang gave me a Moleskine Plain Reporter's Notebook, and with that fantastic gift, my love of all things Moleskine was born. In this notebook, over the years, I have a collection of words—not only mine, but quotes of others, sermon notes, song lyrics, meeting notes—and even the occasional illustration or doodle. This journal contains my very favorite of things that I never want to leave home without.

When I was wandering through the journal last week, I once again was taken by the above Simone Weil quote... and this idea that we only have today.

This is something I struggle with. When I begin something, I want to know that I have the ability/resources/will power/ whatever to be able to continue doing something for the rest of my life. In my mind, if it is worth doing right now, it is worth doing forever... and conversely, if I cannot do it forever, then why should I bother doing it right now?

I also like to live in the future, to dream of the good things to come. A visit with my family, a new book, wandering the streets of Paris... somehow these things become much more delightful to dream about than whatever I am supposed to be focused on right now.

Ridiculous, right?!

Then in yesterday's Life Journal readings, I read Solomon's speech as the temple was completed, and noticed this in 1 Kings...

"Let these words of mine, which I have pleaded before the Lord, be near to the Lord our God day and night, that he may maintain the cause of his servant and the cause of his people Israel, as each day requires, the peoples of the earth may know that the Lord is God; there is no other. Let your heart therefore be wholly true to the Lord our God, walking in his statutes and keeping his commandments, as at this day." {vs. 59-61, italics mine}

As each day requires. Solomon, in all his wisdom, understood what Simone Weil also got, that all we have is today.

Each day must be lived on its own. I cannot change the past, I cannot manipulate the future, the only thing I have in my hands is today, this moment. This is the place, the arena, the playground where I can make the good choices, make a difference, make my mark, make my stand, make a life.

Here—today—is where I live.

The gifts I count today...

178:: homemade strawberry scones baking in the oven.

179:: the smell of freshly cut grass.

180:: waking in the gently falling rain.

181:: poetry. all poetry.

182:: seeing an opportunity to help a stranger, taking it, and seeing the gratitude in eyes I will never see again.

183:: super fun paper clips!

184:: holiday weekends, the chance to slow down.

185:: a steaming cup of tea on a cool, rainy evening.

186:: attempting a new slow cooker recipe, and having it be a success.

187:: hearing Jayden sing in the background while I talked to his dad on the phone.

188:: a telephone conversation with Nicky, the birthday boy, hearing how grown up he sounds, and simultaneously how funny he is.

189:: getting a chance to talk to Loralie.

190:: for today...for all that today will hold, all that it won't hold, and the grace to live it to the full.

Favorite words...

2011-05-20T11:00:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since I've done a Favorites Fridays post, but this week, when I read this poem, I knew that it was time for another one.

I've made no secret that Rainer Maria Rilke is my favorite poet. The more of his writing-both poetry and letters- I read, the more I love them. The first time I walked into the Rodin garden in Paris, France and saw his name on the plaque on the museum wall, it was like running into a friend in a place where never would have expected to find one.

Like G.K. Chesterton, I feel like Rainer and I would have been friends, had history and geography been kinder.

This poem is from 'A Year with Rilke: Daily Readings from the Best of Rainer Maria Rilke', one that I am reading this year. I could gush and tell you how wonderful it is...but I think that is what this whole post is anyway!

Here is the poem...

A hunger drives us.
We want to contain it all in our naked hands,
our brimming senses, our speechless hearts.
We want to become it, or offer it—but to whom?
We could hold it forever—but, after all,
what can we keep? Not the beholding,
so slow to learn. Not anything that has happened here.
Nothing. There are the hurts. And, always, the hardships.
And there's the long knowing of love—all of it
unsayable. Later, amidst the stars, we will see:
these are better unsaid.

—Rainer Maria Rilke, from the Ninth Duino Elegy

What I'm Reading...

2011-05-18T08:27:00.001-04:00

Visit my Page Addict blog to find out...

my prayer for today...

2011-05-17T07:44:00.003-04:00

...as echoed from my favorite poet's words.

Put out my eyes, and I can see you still,
Slam my ears to, and I can hear you yet;
And without any feet can go to you;
And tongueless, I can conjure you at will.
Break off my arms, I shall take hold of you
And grasp you with my heart as with a hand;
Arrest my heart, my brain will beat as true;
And if you set this brain of mine afire,
Then on my blood-stream I yet will carry you.
—Rainer Maria Rilke

doubt + faith {#159-177}

2011-05-16T07:00:00.006-04:00

Dubito ergo cogito; cogito ergo sum.
 (I doubt, therefore I think; I think, therefore I am.)
—Rene Descartes

I've known the second half of this quote forever. I think, therefore I am. Even quoted it in some of my more 'existential' moments. But only last week, when I was working on collecting quotes about doubt for work, did I discover that it was only half of the equation. That I was missing the first part.

The part about doubt.

Doubt isn't something I tend to think a lot about, until it is staring me in the face. It's one of those things that creeps up on you. If you're anything like me, you might even be able to convince yourself for a period of time that what you're feeling really isn't doubt, but something more a bit prettier... skepticism, perhaps.

But then comes the moment when you wake up in the middle of the night, and the thing sitting on the edge of your bed is none other than doubt himself, and he has no plans to let you go back to sleep.

Recently, I told my small group that my favorite person in the Bible is the father in Mark chapter 9 who brought his son to be healed of an unclean spirit by the disciples. But the disciples were unable to cast the spirit out. Jesus, after the father explained the situation to him, tells the father that anything is possible for the person who believes.

The father's response is one I have echoed in my heart so very many times, especially in the last six months:

I believe; help my unbelief! {vs. 24}

Too often, I forget that we humans are bundles of paradoxes. That we are capable of multiple and contrary things simultaneously. This father's desperate words on behalf of his son reminds me that the mixture of emotions that runs through me is perfectly normal. And this prayer has become one of my most frequent.

Sometimes I get lost in the intersection of knowing that my omnipotent God can do everything and anything, but just because He can doesn't mean that He will. Just because He is limitless, it doesn't mean that my desired, preferred, suzi-approved solution will be the one that God in His infinite and perfect wisdom will choose... especially given that my wisdom tends to be more of the selfish and human variety.

Is this doubt? Sometimes I think so, sometimes not. Most days, I think it is just the oh-so-slippery surface of faith.

“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;
we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
—C.S. Lewis

But even in the midst of all that is, and all that could be, there are bright spots. Gifts from God that shine through all the stuff that I would rather forget, illuminating them in a way that I don't believe I would have ever seen them.

It is these gifts that I continue to count today...

159:: a new hair color & the absence of gray!

160:: a quiet, restful day on the sofa to nurse a cold.

161:: that even after days of not writing down the gifts, they are still there, waiting for me to notice them.

162:: a plane ticket to Calgary, and a chance to hang out with my favorite little people for a whole week in June!

163:: closing my office door behind me at the end of a long week, knowing I worked well, and everything is ready for Sunday.

164:: that no matter what happens—or doesn't happen—God is love.

165:: that I was born in a free country, into a family that loved and protected me.

166:: for my mom.

167:: the fact that you don't have to be a biological parent to make spiritual investments into the next generation.

168:: laughter at work.

169:: a quiet, peaceful morning.

170:: for a niece and nephews that I couldn't love more if I had given birth to them myself.

171:: that doubts are not fatal.

172:: friends who seek me out to pray with me when my heart is breaking.

173:: the perfect cafe Americano.

174:: that after the tickle-torture part of the pedicure, the massage part comes.

175:: khaki-colored toe nails.

176:: the knowledge of eternity, and how things here are hardly the end.

177:: that doubt and faith can co-exist, and that faith can win.

waiting...

2011-05-03T12:00:00.001-04:00

I don't think there is anything in life that actually prepares you for one of the children in your life to be sick. That being said, I think my brother and sister-in-law are handling Jayden's illness, and the roller coaster of emotion and information as well as anyone ever could.

The waiting, however, is the part I could do without.

Loralie, my sister-in-law wrote a great post on Jayden's CaringBridge website about patience. She sums the virtue up brilliantly.

And while I wholeheartedly agree, there are times in life when I wish the road of faith wasn't so darn slippery, shifting, unpredictable and unknown. But, I suppose, that would like wanting water to not be wet.

Apparently wishes do not need to be rooted in reality.

I read this poem/prayer from Walter Brueggemann's brilliant book, Prayers For A Privileged People last week, and knew that there would be a time when I would need it. Today is that day.

Waiting and Longing
—Walter Brueggemann, Prayers For A Privileged People

God of the seasons,
God of the years,
God of the eons,
Alpha and Omega,
before us and after us.

You promise and we wait:
We wait with eager longing,
we wait amid doubt and anxiety,
we wait with patience thin
and then doubt,
and then we take life into our
own hands.

We wait because you are the one and the only one.
We wait for your peace and your mercy,
for your justice and your good rule.

Give us your spirit that we may wait
obediently and with discernment,
caringly and without passivity,
trustingly and without cynicism,
honestly and without utopianism.

Grant that our wait may be appropriate to your coming
soon and very soon,
soon and not late,
late but not too late.

We wait while the world groans in eager longing.

Guardians of the Soul {#158}

2011-05-02T05:49:00.005-04:00

Confession: I set my alarm clock, got up early, and watched the royal wedding on Friday.

The way I saw it, having 'attended' Prince William's mother's wedding in the same manor 30 years ago, I felt it only right that this sparse, although long-standing tradition be continued.

The one thing that most struck me, in the deluge of information that came at the world through the lens of the media, was a photo released on Wednesday, of Kate and her sister/main of honor Pippa leaving their home, and driving to London for the big day. Photos captured them smiling, looking comfortable in each other's company, as they headed towards all that lay ahead.

When I saw those photos, I started to feel sad for the late Princess Diana. Thirty years ago, the hours preceding her wedding weren't filled with laughter with a friend. She had no equal in age as her maid of honor, just a bunch of children as bridesmaids. A friend, who is an avid royal watcher, told me that in the 24 hours before the 1981 wedding, Diana was alone at Clarence House, her last meal as a single woman was served to her on a tray by a maid. She didn't even receive a phone call from her soon-to-be groom.

You can think all you want—or don't want—about Britain's royal family, but no matter how you feel about them, I cannot imagine anyone thinking that this was a good way to begin what was supposed to be a happy, fairytale-ish, new life.

All these thoughts came the same day as Life Journal reflections about David and Jonathan's friendship. It all started with these words of David in a Psalm...

Look to the right and see:
there is no one who takes notice of me;
no refuge remains to me;
no one cares for my soul.
—Psalm 142:4

You can feel the pain in David's words. While I am not sure of the timing, either David would be missing his friend Jonathan because of Saul's madness, or Jonathan's own death. Either way, how David's heart must have ached for the friend of whom he said in 2 Samuel 1:28b (ESV), "your love to me was extraordinary". It was clear that even among all the mighty men that David was surrounded by, he did not find Jonathan's equal.

It is easy to find others with things in common. It is also easy to believe that an actual friendship can be had with someone, even if you only ever see their face on a monitor. But a friend who 'cares for your soul'? This is a much more rare and beautiful gift.

The poet Rilke wrote,

I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other. —Rainer Maria

Basically, to care for each other's soul.

I am so blessed to have friends who care for my soul. From the friendship that celebrates its 20th anniversary this year, to those the have come into my life more recently, but are no less vital. Beautiful women of God who not only care for my soul, but allow me the privilege of caring for theirs as well.

Without a doubt, I know that the night before I marry my own prince—should that day ever arrive—I will not be alone, but will be surrounded by my beautiful friends and family, caring for my soul as always.

And if one of them wants to serve me dinner on a tray, I don't think I will object too strongly!

* * * * *

Although there is only one thing on today's list, it is a big one, and should encompass many more than one...

I am grateful for...

158:: the friends, the guardians of my soul, who so enrich my life, laugh with me, hold me together when life falls apart, and make my world a much better place.

the gift that is laughter {#135-157}

2011-04-25T06:43:00.005-04:00

If you've never heard me rave about my niece and nephews, only one thing can be true: we haven't met.

Having never been married, and therefore never had children of my own, my heart is made complete by the fact that my brothers have had the most perfect children in the world in the form of the one girl and six—almost seven—boys that they have brought into our family. Since my family all lives out in the wild and wintery west, there isn't much that could begin to tempt me to move my big city life in that direction, but when my oldest nephew Nicky asks me when I am going to come to visit him, it's hard to not drop everything and run for the suitcase.

One of the greatest things about my family is that we laugh. Not any polite, gentle kind of laughter, but the kind of laughter that makes both your throat and stomach hurt afterward. The kind that involves snorting. And milk flying from noses. The good kind.

Recently my sister-in-law, Loralie, has posted some conversations she and my brother have had with the kids, the two boys in particular, on Facebook, that have left me smiling, and just plain laughing out loud. Especially the last one, which I may have peed just a little when I read it the first time. {My poor niece Megan seems to have gotten caught in the cross-fire here, but being the only girl in a family riddled with boys is something that I understand only too well, and I know it will only make her stronger in the end :-) }

What an amazing gift it is that laughter can be passed down through the generations...

Jayden: Daddy can I have more whip cream? 
Dad: Just hold on a second.  
Jayden: Daddy can I have more whip cream? 
Dad: I'll get it in a second...just wait please.
Jayden: Daddy can I have more whip cream? 
Dad: Jayden. I said you needed to wait! Please stop asking.
 Jayden: I wasn't asking. I was just singing...."Dad-dy can you pleeease get meeee more whip creeeeeam" (in a singing voice)

* * * * *

Jayden: "I think God is talking to Megan."
Lor: "What is he saying?"
 Jayden: "Beeeeeee patient"
Lor: (laughing) "Yes Jayden. I think you are right!"

* * * * *

 This conversation happened during Nicky's math while Lor was explaining how every set in math is a group of shapes with the same attribute.
Lor: You, Daddy and Jayden could be a set. What attribute do you all have the same? 
Nicky: We all have brown eyes. 
Lor: Right! Megan and I could be in the same set too. Why? 
Nicky: Because you both have anger issues.*

* in defense of my sister-in-law and niece, neither of them actually have anger issues!

* * * * * * * * * *

So grateful for...

135:: being wished a happy birthday eve.

136:: the knowledge that even receiving potential bad news about the unborn nephew doesn't change God's character; He is still love, He still deals in the miraculous, He is not limited by human wisdom or imagination; He can still do the impossible; He still heals.

137:: an early morning phone call to wish me a happy birthday.

138:: all the many phone calls, texts, Facebook messages and Tweets that made me smile and feel loved.

139:: phone call from my oldest brother.

140:: messages from baby brother and sister-in-law.

141:: the friend who sang over and over again!

142:: the friends who took me to Panera for lunch.

143:: the friend who made me laugh at the number I wasn't even able to say!

144:: chocolate cupcakes hanging on my door handle when I got home.

145:: the gift that reminds me that I am loved. {thanks Mom & Dad!}
146:: clean, lavender-smelling sheets as I lay down to sleep and dream of the beautiful day that it was.

147:: a late-night phone call from the brother, the niece and nephew; Nicky asking me when I was going to come visit him.

148:: that I serve a God who sees me. {Psalm 31:7}

149:: the simple fact that the God who never should have died, faced death, so that we—for whom death was inevitable—wouldn't have to.

150:: waking up early on a day when you don't have to.

151:: rooibos provence tea during Life Journal time.

152:: the privilege of being able to use my gifts in a worship service.

153:: for the lessons only silence can teach.

154:: holiday lunches with good friends.

155:: having a weekend where someone else—actually the same person!—cooked for me twice! {thanks, friend}

156:: having a friend that you can always count on to laugh with you.

157:: that the sense of humor can be passed down through the generations...

Silent Saturday

2011-04-23T07:01:00.007-04:00

sandwiched between the Day that is Good
and the Day that is Holy
is the one that is Silent

how did Jesus' disciples spend
this Silent Saturday?

did they wonder what they could have done?
should have done?
did they remember Jesus' words differently
in this new darkness?
did they remember His words of hope
or did the grief obscure what should have
made their hearts expectant?

should they have
spoken up?
fought off soldiers?
stuck beside Him all the way?
taken Judas out long ago?

Judas—
did they blame him more than they should have
because blaming themselves hurt too much?

what does one do on a day
when Light has died
when Life has died
and you don't have the expectation
or the hope
that He will rise tomorrow?

you wait.
you try to remember all the things
that you saw and heard when the Light shone brightly
some vital instruction
something that will help make sense
of the senseless

for those of us
on the other side of Easter
it is easy to overlook this day
this silence
this day after

because we know
it is also the day before

before the stone is rolled away
before hope rises
before an empty tomb
before a walk with a Stranger

but the Disciples did not
they were living it
in brutally real time

this makes me wonder...
all the things that today
cause us to despair
have strained our hope
turn our stomachs into knots of string
just by thinking about them
sickness
loneliness
cancer
injustice
war
death

i wonder
if we knew that Jesus would rise in
our despair
our hopelessness
tomorrow
what we would do with today?

the glory days are returning...

2011-04-19T07:00:00.001-04:00

All that is gold does not glitter,
not all those who wander are lost;
the old that is strong does not wither,
deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
a light from the shadows shall spring;
renenwed shall be blade that was broken,
the crownless again shall be king.
—J.R.R. Tolkien

Remember those three glorious Christmas seasons, when on one beautiful day, a week or two before the holiday you stood in line at a movie theater for a ridiculously long period of time, after getting there earlier that day to actually purchase tickets for yourself and ten or twenty of your closest friends, to ensure that the moment you had been waiting for, in some cases for about 365 days, was actually going to happen?

I do. Those three years when the December release date rolled around and the new Lord Of The Rings movie finally arrived in our eager and expectant lives were glorious, and even to this day, every time I turn the November page on the calendar, I feel a pang of sadness that those glory days are over.

It's not to say that I don't still enjoy the movies. Since the movies were released on DVD, I have spent more than a few weekends with one foot firmly planted in Middle Earth. But there is something special about the first time you see a movie, even if you've already read the book. The mystery of seeing someone else's vision of what you've both read brought to life, how it compares to your own, and takes on a life of its own is a beautiful thing. Regrettably, you can only see something for the first time once. Unless, of course, you can arrange for a bout of amnesia, which, having never attempted it, I probably wouldn't recommend.

So, before you actually begin to consider self-induced amnesia, let me make your day by telling you that in 610 days, on December 19, 2012, the glory is returning...

If you haven't yet read The Hobbit, don't worry, you've got a bit of time.

Abundance {#119-134}

2011-04-18T07:30:00.000-04:00

I laughed this morning.

Sitting by myself at the kitchen table, doing my Life Journal, I laughed as I read God's word.

It all began years ago...

More than a few years ago, while attending the Leadership Summit, I was privileged to hear Tim Sanders speak on the topic of scarcity vs. abundance. Scarcity being believing that there is not enough to go around, while Mr. Sanders defines the law of abundance as believing that there is always enough to go around.

I've been thinking about that session of the LS lately, since I have noticed that scarcity thinking has become more and more prevalent in my life... and it is not a good thing. This crept-in belief is slowly poisoning my outlook, from knowing that with Jesus, I have all that I truly need, to thinking that in order to be good, to be happy, I need more. Something else. And this scarcity thinking has me making bad decisions, rash decisions, and not being myself.

Back to today...

It began probably ten minutes earlier. After I got up and was gathering what I would need for the morning quiet time, I was thinking on this scarcity thing, and I thought to myself, "How does a person get beyond scarcity? What do I need to do to get myself out of this?"

I left the question hanging in the air as I opened my Bible for today's readings. When I got to Psalm 34, verse 9, that is when the laughter hit.

Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack! {vs. 9}

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

There, in black and white print was the answer to my question. And in case I may have doubted it, or thought it seemed a little too obscure, David, the Psalmist, went on...

The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

Come, O children, listen to me; 
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
 What man is there who desires life 
and loves many days, that he may see good? 
Keep your tongue from evil 
and your lips from speaking deceit. 
Turn away from evil and do good; 
seek peace and pursue it.

Could my question have been answered any better had I had an actual audience with my God in His throne room?

Sure, the answer isn't easy, and I know that I have some work cut out for me—as I seek hard after God, pursue peace instead of more, and rid myself of the lies that I have been believing for too long—but how amazing is it that when we ask our questions, He hears them, and loves us enough to answer them, if only we pay attention?

* * * * *

Paying attention to the gifts...

119:: a serendipitous moment resulting in an online chat with a dearly missed friend in Africa.

120:: God's love, even when I feel unlovable.

121:: heart-shaped ice cubes.

122:: Mom wanting to fly across the country to be with me for my birthday... even if it didn't work out.

123:: my birthday present from Mom & Dad arriving six days early, and the anticipation of waiting to open it.
124:: pretty party favors hanging in my kitchen.

125:: an awesome job at a church I love.

126:: anticipating a visit from a dear friend.

127:: all the friends who ate and laughed and loved at my Welcome To Spring party. {Yummy cake courtesy of Lyndsay, who rocks!}

128:: receiving the cookbook that I have wanted practically FOREVER! {thank you, Ang!}

129:: birthday gifts: all perfect, every one of them.

130:: beginning the book that two friends have raved about.

131:: laying down to sleep with the echoes of laughter still hanging in the air, remembering all the beautiful moments of the evening.

132:: the reminder to love one another.

133:: a rainy day with one of my closest friends doing all the things that we love to do, talking and laughing through it all.

134:: that sometimes, when I ask a question, God answers right away.

{nothing}

2011-04-14T07:00:00.000-04:00

There are some days that the words just won't come.

Maybe it is because I let the busyness of life win. Perhaps I simply have nothing to say...

...or maybe it is really because there are days when I fear what is inside, and somehow believe that if I let it out, these things I don't even know I want to set free will define me. judge me. find me wanting.

On these days, perhaps it is best to let someone else do the talking for me. Who better than Madeleine L'Engle?

I will have nothing to do with a God who cares only occasionally. I need a God who is with us always, everywhere, in the deepest depths as well as the highest heights. It is when things go wrong, when good things do not happen, when our prayers seem to have been lost, that God is most present. We do not need the sheltering wings when things go smoothly. We are closest to God in the darkness, stumbling along blindly. —Madeleine L'Engle

Where would I be without a full-time God?

I don't think I want to know.

tension

2011-04-12T08:00:00.004-04:00

I think I have loved Henri Nouwen's writing since the moment I was introduced to his books. His words seem to me to be the perfect combination of wisdom, humility, passion, and holiness. Reading his beautiful daybook, Bread For The Journey has been such a treat so far this year, and I'm pretty sure it won't be the last year that I do so.

Every once in a while, a day sticks out in my mind. Perhaps the topic, or maybe just where my head happens to be that day, but there seems to be one every once in a while that I just cannot get out of my head.

The reading from April 6 is just such an example...

Being Humble and Confident
—Henri Nouwen, Bread For The Journey, April 6

As we look at the stars and let our minds wander into the many galaxies, we come to feel so small and insignificant that anything we do, say, or think seems completely useless. But if we look into our souls and let our minds wander into the endless galaxies of our interior lives, we become so tall and significant that everything we do, say, or think appears to be of great importance.

We have to keep looking both ways to remain humble and confident, humorous and serious, playful and responsible. Yes, the human being is very small and very tall. It is the tension between the two that keeps us spiritually awake.

The tension between the two keeps us spiritually awake. I think it is easy to live on either side of a spectrum in this life of a Christ follower. It would be easy to err on the side that Jesus is love, and it really doesn't matter what I do so long as I am happy, simply because Jesus loves me. Conversely, it would be easy to take the role of the zealous, hyper-holy follower of Jesus, removing myself from the world to remove all temptation, never engage in culture for fear that it will taint and make me unholy, and be unswerving in my judgments, never allowing love to factor in.

Jesus hasn't called us to either extreme, but rather to a life of tension. Tension between the 'anything goes' and the 'everything goes'. Tension between how life is today, and how I want it to be. Tension between hating the sin and loving the sinner. Tension between the holiness that I would settle for, and the true one that God has called me to.

Henri is, once again, beautifully right. Without this tension, I would easily be asleep.

going my way... {#108-118}

2011-04-11T07:30:00.001-04:00

Life does a good job of teaching us that things won't always go our way. Sometimes a brutally good job.

Our job, it seems to me, is to manage how we handle these things that don't go the way we want them to... how we deal with it when life goes pear-shaped and the only thing we can control is our own reaction to the situation.

There are days when I handle these things beautifully, and can see how much I have grown...

...and then there are the days that drown those good days out simply by their sheer volume. Days when I react more like a spoiled child in a grocery store who wants the chocolate and will use whatever means she can volume-wise to get it.

But I am learning and growing—although some days it hardly seems so—in the grace of God. This grace that I need more than air, as I count the gifts given to me, heals my dry, cracked soul, one golden drop at a time.

One drop at a time...

* * * * *

Golden drops of grace...

108. The four pounds of coffee Dad brought me back from Guatemala that are making my office smell like heaven.

109. Even when I am completely alone, my God is still here.

110. The smell of lavender.

111. Incredibly creative people who help me think outside of boxes of my own making.

112. Crawling into a freshly made bed.

113. God speaking when I set my ears to listen.

114. A mini road-trip with good friends.

115. Farmer's market flowers.
116. Reconnecting with a good friend after too much geography and too much time have gotten in the way.

117. Planning my 'Welcome To Spring' party.

118. A phone call from Mom...

spring things...

2011-04-08T07:00:00.002-04:00

Threshold of Spring
—Rainer Maria Rilke, Uncollected Poems

Harshness gone. All at once caring spreads over
the naked gray of the meadows.
Tiny rivulets sing in different voices.
A softness, as if from everywhere,
is touching the earth.
Paths appear across the land and beckon.
Surprised once again you sense
its coming in the empty tree.

When it comes to poetry about the seasons, Spring is definitely the prom queen of the four. Poets seem to see Spring as the most mystical and magical of all the seasons, and I suppose it is for good reason. No other season has that beautiful, resurrection quality, where after the long, cold, dark months, Spring brings us back flowers and birdsong, convincing us that life will go on, that winter won't prevail forever... that even though it has felt like it, there is life after snow.

One of my very favorite spring things is going to St. Jacobs, both the farmer's market and the town with my small group... which is what we are doing tomorrow!

Whatever you find yourself doing, I hope you have a happy, happy weekend!

learning to be a good receiver...

2011-04-05T11:00:00.002-04:00

Confession: I am not a good receiver.

When it comes to giving, I have no problem there at all. I love the giving part, especially when I know that someone really needs, or would really love what I am giving them. Love that.

But turn the tables, and I start to feel all awkward and prickly. Last week my mom asked me to give her a list of things I would like for my birthday. I understand her request, we do live pretty much on opposite sides of the country, and she doesn't have the ability to just stop by and see what is going on in my life. But putting together a list of things that I would like for someone else just seems so very uncomfortable. Like asking for something.

That being said, I do have a friend who tells me that my inability or unwillingness to ask for help is not good, and while it is uncomfortable to hear, I know she is right. Somewhere along the way I have equated independence with the need to do everything on my own, or I shouldn't do it at all. For someone who is part of a faith community, I am beginning to see the dangers and pitfalls in such an attitude.

Then yesterday, Henri Nouwen joined in on the discussion, in his book, Bread For The Journey...

Daring To Become Dependent
—Henri Nouwen, Bread for the Journey, April 4

When someone give us a watch but we never wear it, that watch is not really received. When someone offers us an idea but we do not respond to it, that idea is not truly received. When someone introduces us to a friend but we ignore him or her, that friend does not feel well received.

Receiving is an art. It means allowing the other to become part of our lives. It means daring to become dependent on the other. It asks for the inner freedom to say, "Without you I wouldn't be who I am." Receiving with the heart is, therefore, a gesture of humility and love. So many people have been deeply hurt because their gifts were not well received. Let us be good receivers.

So, I am in the process of learning how to be a good receiver.

What about you?
Are you a good receiver, or do you need to work on it like me?

grace & white space {#91-107}

2011-04-04T06:19:00.005-04:00

it's too easy to define your life solely by the things you do not have. by those things that somehow, along the way, you had dreamed or wished you would have, but for whatever reason, simply have not arrived.

a spouse
children
the 'right' home
good friends
the dream job
any job
good health
{insert whatever it is you want but don't have}

it's far too easy to rehearse that list, and if one is not careful, they can begin to see their life solely in the context of what it isn't, of what is lacking.

as a graphic designer, i am a huge proponent of the concept of 'white space', which is leaving a portion of what you are designing blank and unmarked. instead of filling space up with more text or graphics, leaving white space creates room within the design, and allows the important elements that are on the page to breathe, and speak to the reader.

by not filling up the page, what is important can clearly be seen.

perhaps that is why God doesn't give us all the things that our hearts desire. maybe that is why he doesn't fill our lives so full of everything... because what, then, would we truly value? how would we know what was most important?

i cannot help but be grateful for the things that i wished for that didn't arrive, and the beautiful life it has afforded me...

...and for all the gifts, unexpected and rediscovered, that God does give me, and the grace to be able to count them.

* * * * *

i am so grateful for...

91. The blank cheque of hope, knowing that whatever I am waiting for, God is still the same.

92. The smell of fresh coffee grinding at Starbucks.

93. The fact that the things that happen to me are not my life, and all the lessons we are learning from Ecclesiastes.

94. Celebrating nephews who share the same birthday.

95. The privilege of walking through life with some amazing young women of God.

96. Spring cherry green tea on a morning when coffee won't do.

97. Sharing licorice babies with co-workers.

98. That no matter what the question is, hope in God is the answer.

99. Meeting with a friend over pink cupcakes to discuss what God is saying to each of us.

100. A Friday afternoon field trip to St. Jacobs—and starting the weekend early.

101. Find a beautiful new Lug—and having the self-control not to buy yet another one!

102. A pretty, floral-y scarf that feels amazing wrapped around me neck—and, apparently, makes my eyes look bluer.

103. The scrapbook mom made me of our trip to NYC, and sharing it with friends, old and new.

104. Watching Marie Antoinette with B & M over quiche and cupcakes.

105. Getting my first massage, and the friend in massage therapy school who made me homework!

106. My nephew N who asked his mother to have the pastors pray for his brother, J {who has been in a wheelchair since the discovery of tumors/cancer in December}, because N wants to go for a hike with J next week. N said to his mother, "God healed him before and He can do it again... I know it!"

107. How the faith of a child reminds me that sometimes I think and believe too much like a grown up.

Happy April!

2011-04-01T00:01:00.002-04:00

I love April...

...and not just because it is my birthday month.

Although late fall is my favorite season, there is something magical to me about this month.

Have you ever read Rosamunde Pilcher's beautiful book, September? She writes about what is obviously her favorite month {not to mention her birthday month} with so much love and passion, one would almost actually the believe there to be golden light shining down on Scotland during September.

Well, if i ever wrote a book about my favorite month, I would hope that my readers would believe that in April the atmosphere has a pinkish, sparkly tinge to it, and everywhere you turn, the faint smell of cherry blossoms.

All this to say, I couldn't be happier that April has finally arrived.

Happy April!

{If you want to use the balloons as your computer's desktop, simply click on it and 'save as'.}

Simple ≠ Easy

2011-03-31T07:00:00.002-04:00

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. —Psalm 39:7

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. —Psalm 42:11

The questions in these verses remind me of that old Johnny Carson skit where he wore a turban and held a piece of paper to his forehead with an answer on it. When the question was revealed, the answer was most always hilarious.

But while they all were similarly funny, for these questions posed by the Psalmists, Johnny would only need one card, and on it would be written, Hope in God.

What about cancer in a little body? Hope in God.

Other illness in my family? Hope in God.

Things not turning out as I'd planned? Hope in God.

The turbulence in the world? Hope in God.

Tsunamis, earthquakes, floods...? Hope in God.

Unanswered prayers and unrealized dreams? Hope in God.

It seems simple, almost formulaic, but while the answer is simple, it is far from easy—anything but easy. Standing rock solid on my hope in God, regardless of what I wait for not arriving, regardless of the turmoil going on in and around me, regardless of all the things that would serve to push me off this sometimes tiny foundation of hope, is not easy.

But whoever said that life was going to be easy? Not my mom, and certainly not Jesus... who said, "In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." {John 16:33}

Who better to put our hope in than the One who already faced down the world and won?

soul health vs. soul neglect

2011-03-29T08:00:00.001-04:00

Sitting at Starbucks last night, before my small group arrived, I was going through my Moleskine reporter notebook, reading over notes I had taken at the Leading From a Healthy Soul conference.

In one of the sessions, Mindy Caliguire explained the difference between a healthy soul, and one that has been neglected. Here are the symptoms of each:

Symptoms of soul neglect:

fear
defensiveness
impatience
lack of love
lose sight of why we do what we do
driven-ness
isolation
insomnia
physical symptoms: digestive problems, headaches, etc.
apathy
judgmental
rushed
irritable
insecurity

Symptoms of soul health:

joyful composure
fearless
peace in real time, in all circumstances
optimism/hope
humility
passion
clarity
affection for pursuing God
flexibility
forgiveness
gentleness
kindness
fresh vision
supernatural strength
words of life
opposite of bitterness

Re-reading this list has been a good wake up call for me. When too many of the first list start to make an appearance in my life, it's time for some 'soul spa' days.

What about you? How's your soul?

Gratitude & freedom... [#79-90}

2011-03-28T08:00:00.004-04:00

Yesterday at PORTICO we had a movie screening of Freedom Fighter, the story of Rev. Majed El Shafie, himself once tortured for his Christian faith in Egypt, now the president and founder of One Free World International, fighting for those persecuted for their faith all over the world.

Here is a clip from the movie...

It's far too easy to live in religious freedom and think else everyone shares the same freedoms that we do. This moving film is designed to move those of us with all the freedom in the world to speak out for those who do not.

One way to get involved is to join the One Million Voices campaign. The way I see it, I have paid so very little for my own freedom, how could I not expend my energy and resources on behalf of those who have not been so blessed?

* * * * *

...and the gratitude list continues...

79. friends who push me to my dreams even when I doubt yourself.

80. a job that I love.

81. coffee. Starbucks. enough said.

82. going to sleep on Friday night and not turning the alarm on.

83. delightful little Italian pastries.

84. Rosamunde Pilcher's 'Winters Solstice' and beginning it again for at least the 24th time.

85. the balance of accomplishing things I didn't expect to and nothing I wanted to.

86. a strong, well-timed message I needed to hear.

87. summer roasted vegetables on a cold day.

88. walking into Starbucks and being greeted by my favorite baristas, who already know what I want.

89. curling up in my cozy bed with my Kobo in my hand, and Charlotte Martin's Piano Trees in my ears.

90. the simple, yet under-appreciated fact that by living in Canada, I have the gift and freedom of worshiping my God freely and without fear.

true

2011-03-25T08:30:00.005-04:00

In the video I posted yesterday with poet Sarah Kay, she talks about having her students write out ten things that they know to be true.

I thought I would do the same.

Here are ten things that i know to be true
{in no particular order}...

The only geographical place in the world I have ever felt at home is Paris, France.
There is a special place in my heart that only comes alive when I hear my family laugh.
There is a God who loves me. {He loves you too.}
Creativity is not an endless well you can always draw from and never take time to replenish.
We are, every one of us, dichotomies in some way... and it is far easier to overlook one's own dichotomies than those of others.
It is naïve to think that one's own bad mood does not affect those surrounding you.
I too easily let the small things immobilize me.
Watching a pot really doesn't stop it from boiling—but wow—does it ever take a long time!
When the little voice in your head tells you to do—or not to do— something, you MUST always listen to that little voice.
Any day when you can wake up and walk past Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris in the same hour, will be a good day.

What do you know to be true?

beauty of poetry

2011-03-24T08:00:00.000-04:00

I have always been fascinated by spoken word poetry. It's something that I have often thought I would like to try, but don't think I have been brave enough.

Or maybe that is just a fancy way of saying that I have been afraid.

This morning, I watched this TED talk video. Dave Gibbons tweeted the link, and as I listened to this poet, she has inspired me to begin writing poetry again. It's long, a little over 18 minutes, but it is well worth it.

I'm honestly not sure why I stopped writing poetry in the first place. Perhaps because in the glare of everyday life, poetry sometimes seems frivolous. But can beauty every truly be frivolous? And for one who is embracing and exploring the idea of beauty this year, could poetry be overlooked in this journey? Sitting here in the quiet morning, I don't think so.

Perhaps, given that fact that recently I have begun reading the works of more poets—Christina Rossetti, Luci Shaw, Emily Dickinson, Rilke—I am now ripe to begin again for myself. To start the journey, and see where it takes me.

I guess we'll find out...

grace & poetry

2011-03-21T08:30:00.003-04:00

There are days when it is easier than others to be grateful.

Some days, I find that I cannot write my gratitude gifts down in my Field Notes booklet fast enough. Other days, it seems that the blank page taunts me.

What I have learned, however, is that the days when nothing comes easy, those are the days that I most need to be grateful, that I most need to remember the good.

This week, with the advent of great news {see #62-64}, there is much to be grateful for. One of those things is a little poetry book I've been reading that simply makes my heart happy. And it fits perfectly in with this day of giving thanks...

Psalm For The January Thaw, Part 2.
—Luci Shaw, Harvesting Fog, p. 14,15

Glory be to God for changes. For bulbs
breaking the darkness with their green beaks.
For moles and moths and velvet green moss
waiting to fill the driveway cracks. For the way
the sun pierces the window minutes earlier each day.
For earthquakes and tectonic plates—earth's bump
and grind—and new mountains pushing up
like teeth in a one-year-old. For melodrama—
lightning on the sky stage, and the burst of applause
that follows. Praise him for day and night, and light
switches by the door. For seasons, for cycles
and bicycles, for whales and waterspouts,
for watersheds and waterfalls and waking
and the letter W, for the waxing and waning
of weather so that we never get complacent. For all
the world, and for the way it twirls on its axis
like an exotic dancer. For the north pole and the
south pole and the equator and everything between.

More grace gifts... {#60-78}

60. friends who come and sit and laugh and eat chocolate cake with you when you are down.

61. finding the perfect pair of jeans—on sale!

62. a lunch time phone call that brought ~~good~~ brilliant news.

63. tumors on Jayden's spine, breastbone and skull are gone... and the two that remain are smaller!

64. bone regeneration in his little body—even during chemotherapy!

65. that God thinks about me. {Ps. 40:17}

66. getting to hear what God is saying to the people I work with every Wednesday.

67. planning a Welcome To Spring party.

68. turning the last page on a book that has been nothing but a blessing.

69. a comfortable, albeit messy home, to rest in when one is not feeling well.

70. english breakfast tea in a beautiful cup.

71. a full house at Starbucks that forced us to have coffee at the place we usually reserve for special occasions.

72. heating pad on cold days.

73. a hand massage.

74. the trilogy that reminds us that no matter how much bad happens, good will win in the end.

75. beginning a book I have long wanted to read.

76. herbes de Provence olive oil.

77. peanut butter and homemade strawberry jam on toast.

78. the friend whose birthday it is today. {happy, happy day, Merrilee!}

favorite things...

2011-03-18T07:00:00.001-04:00

Happy Friday!

It's been far too long since I've done a Favorite Things Friday... so today I decided it was time. There are two things that stick out in my mind, one in the world of books, and the other, music.

Of course, the book goes first!

I first discovered Cecelia Ahern on my last trip to Paris. On a rainy Sunday, I was wandering around the Carousel du Louvre, and when I made my way into the Virgin Megastore, something led me to a beautiful book by the Irish author, called If You Could See Me Now. Even though I was only in Paris for three days, and I did almost everything I wanted to, I still managed to finish this book before I left!

Having read just about everything she has written, I was enchanted to discover a new book, Girl In The Mirror, a small book containing two short stories. I haven't read it yet, but it is sitting on the table beside my bed waiting for me. I already know I will love it.

...and...

I LOVE this song by Adele. Love her new album, 21. Love. Enjoy the video...

...and have a beautiful weekend!

thinking of you...

2011-03-17T11:00:00.000-04:00

From yesterday's Life Journal...

You have multiplied, O Lord my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts towards us... As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. —Psalm 40:5, 17 ESV

Since the devastation form the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, one of the most frequently seen Twitter and Facebook status updates has been, 'my thoughts and prayers are with Japan', or something similar. Last Friday, @donmilleris, no doubt having seen many of the same updates, Tweeted, "If anything bad happens to me, I can't use your thoughts but I could use your prayers."

While initially I laughed, I believe he is wrong. What else spurs action and compassion but our thoughts?

Since December 3, some of the things that have meant the most to me, touched my soul most profoundly, have been seemingly random emails, notes and gifts, all that were precipitated by someone's thoughts for me and my family.

And while all this is good, there is something so grace-filled and perfect about God thinking of me. With the billions of people on a planet so filled with pain and injustice and tragedy, to think that my God thinks about me, even—or especially—when I am needy, is a beautiful grace.

I don't believe there has ever been another time of my life when I have needed this more. This knowledge that my God has thoughts for me, has cared for me in so very many ways, and even uses the thoughts of others to bless me, is a gift I will always cherish.

And more than cherish, it makes me want to act more on the thoughts that I have for the people in my life.

This is my prayer...

123 days

2011-03-16T11:00:00.003-04:00

In the last 123 days: my uncle passed away, parents stayed with me when they came down for the funeral, the day they got home my nephew Jayden got sick, his constipation turned out to be cancer, spinal surgery, what was thought to be a 'good' cancer turned out to be a 'bad' one, Jay got to come home just before Christmas {in a cool orange wheelchair}, our family had a very surreal Christmas Day, chemotherapy, trips to Disneyworld, more chemotherapy, Dad went to Guatemala to build houses, more chemotherapy, one of my brothers had surgery, another family member had some medical challenges, then day before yesterday, we found out yet another member of my family is now having her own set of medical challenges.

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

Living on the other side of the country from where most of this is happening, I have spent many of the last 123 days feeling frustrated that I am not there, wanting to help, but knowing there is really nothing I can do from here. Many phone calls that came my way ended with me in tears, the product of distance and disappointment. With the exception of the 25 days that I was with my family, each of these days I have keenly felt the geographical separation.

But yesterday was different.

While out with some friends at lunch, my phone rang. It was my brother Doug…

…calling to tell me that Jayden's oncologist informed them to say that many of the tumors they found on December 3 were gone, only two were left, and even they were smaller.

Good news.

Finally, ~~good~~ great news.

Over these last few days, the thing that has been haunting the playground of my mind is the unchanging, constant character of God. The Bible says that He is the beginning and the end. That His steadfast love never changes. That He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

He is the same God today that He was 124 days ago.

And as we waited for the results of the tests from last week, I could feel God impressing upon me over and over again, that no matter what the results were, no matter what happens, He has not changed. None of this has been a surprise to Him. He didn't go on vacation 123 days ago, or stop caring, or anything other human attribute that I might try to pin on Him.

He is still the same.

Even when it feels like the world is falling apart.

He is still the same.

Good news doesn't change His character. Neither does the bad.

He is still God, and He is still the same.

He is still love...

…and my heart is overflowing with gratitude for this simple grace.

Spring has returned...

2011-03-15T11:00:00.002-04:00

My Gram always said that the last snowfall of the year had the biggest snowflakes. After walking downtown on Saturday in the midst of some of the prettiest and hugest snowflakes ever, I am choosing to believe her words, and have decided that spring is here.

I am ready for a change...

faithful...

2011-03-14T16:28:00.002-04:00

i made this slide for PORTICO's Connect.One.Five for this Sunday.

i had no idea how much i would need it today...

gratitude...

2011-03-14T08:00:00.003-04:00

Happy Monday!

It was a good, but relatively quiet weekend in my world. There was a good deal of reading, ~~some~~ not enough writing, and my first two whole nights of sleep in almost a week. That alone is enough to have made this a good weekend!

As we live our lives through these days that at times seem so very long, yet are passing by so briskly, I have yet again found myself in one of Rilke's poems. How grateful I am for the wisdom and beauty with which he wrote...

Knots of Our Own Making
{Rainer Maria Rilke, The Book of Hours II, 16}

How surely gravity's law,
strong as an ocean current,
takes hold of even the smallest thing
and pulls it toward the heart of the world.
Each thing—
each stone, blossom, child—
is held in place.
Only we, in our arrogance,
push out beyond what we each belong to
for some empty freedom.
If we surrendered
to earth's intelligence
we could rise up rooted, like trees.
Instead we entangle ourselves
in knots of our own making
and struggle, lonely and confused.
So, like children, we begin again
to learn from the things,
because they are in God's heart;
they have never left him.

#31-59 of my One Thousand Gifts...

31. postponed plans that give the gift of time.

32. an unexpected conversation with a stranger at the laundromat.

33. getting to chat with one of my brothers, even if only for a few minutes.

34. blog comments that encourage and make me smile.

35. the beginning of Lent, and the yearly physical reminder that Easter is coming.

36. having friends that i can email to ask to pray for Jayden's tests.

37. the friend who emailed me back to say i could count on her to pray & that she loved me.

38. another friend's sweet response that brought tears to my eyes.

39. and another beautiful friend.

40. and another.

41. and another.

42. all the amazing, encouraging, beautiful friends that God has blessed me with.

43. tests done in good time, a hungry little boy & a trip to McDonald's.

44. the unusual ability to keep my mouth firmly closed when nothing but sarcasm was going to come out.

45. the blissful peace of a Friday night at home.

46. turning the first few pages of a Cara Black Parisian mystery novel.

47. finishing that same book the next day.

48. getting a dreaded chore done before 10:00 am

49. homemade potato cheddar soup.

50. finally getting an entire night's sleep.

51. re-reading a book and being more moved and challenged the second time.

52. trusting that no matter what news this week brings, God is still God, still in control, still love.

53. overripe bananas that sacrificed themselves to become banana praline pecan biscotti and blueberry banana bread.
54. reconnecting with a friend through laughter and tears.

55. being able to share some of my stupidest moments and knowing my friend will still love me.

56. birds singing in the tree outside.

57. my parents.

58. Rilke's poetry.

59. the grace to begin again.

waiting

2011-03-11T08:00:00.000-05:00

I suppose you could say i have a love/hate relationship with waiting.

Yes, there are benefits to delayed gratification, and when the thing you've waited for finally arrives, how much more do you appreciate it... blah, blah, blah.

But when you are stuck in the middle—or worse, the beginning—of waiting, the last thing in the world you want to do is romanticize it.

Yesterday, my four-year old nephew Jayden (pictured with his dad in Disneyworld) underwent a slew of tests to discover what is going on in his little body. To see if the miracle we've all been praying for has happened, either through the chemotherapy, a miracle, or a combination of both. The results, unfortunately, won't be available until late next week.

Ah, waiting. {insert appropriately violent eye-rolling episode here}

But at the height of my sarcasm, in the quiet of this morning's Life Journaling, came these words...

But for you, O Lord, do I wait;
it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer. | Psalm 38:11

Ultimately, it is not the medical professionals who we are waiting for, much as they would like to think that. It isn't time itself that is the enemy. It isn't some wishy-washy, foundation-less hope of a good outcome that is our goal.

Our hope is firmly placed in the Lord our God. It is for Him, and—this I tend to forget—with Him that we wait. While we wait for news, it is the Healer Himself who offers comfort and peace and joy and laughter even in the midst of the waiting.

This is grace...

"It's for your own good."

2011-03-10T08:30:00.001-05:00

From yesterday's Life Journal...

And now Israel, what does the Lord your God require of you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statutes of the Lord, which I am commanding you today for your good? —Deuteronomy 10:12-13 ESV

I don't think I ever realized how these verses are so close to one of my long-time favorites,

He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God. —Micah 6:8 ESV

But there is a difference in Moses' words than Micah's. The addition of the words, "for your good".

I remember as a child—at times a head-strong one—hearing some variation of these words come out of my parents' mouths, while trying to get my brothers and I to do something that in all reality, we really didn't want to do.

Go to bed.
Drink your milk.
Eat your vegetables.
Take your medicine.
Don't run with scissors.

And many, if not all, of these things were followed with that classic line, "It's for your own good." Somehow, I don't think any of us ever fully believed them.

I have even seen it recently. Watching the parents of a four-year old little piece of my heart try to convince their little boy that letting doctors poke him, constantly bug him as he tries to play Xbox, and make him do things he wants no part of, is actually to make him better. I saw the skepticism in his espresso-colored eyes.

But the reality is that whether or not any of us feel like these things are in our own best interest, or for our own good, they actually are.

The reality is that the life that I desire to love and serve my God is only truly brought about by discipline and disciplines that curb my own natural tendencies—to live my way, to protect, to merely survive—and bring me to a place where i can better hear and obey God.

As I wrote yesterday, as this season of Lent begins, I don't want to emerge after Easter as the same person I am on this side. My prayer is that God would use the disciplines of both omitting things from and adding new disciplines to my life to transform me into someone who better understands and lives His grace and love.

undiverted

2011-03-09T19:29:00.003-05:00

With Easter being so late this year, it almost feels like beginning Lent on March 9 is joining the party after it already started. But every calendar I own tells me that today is the day.

While Lent isn't my favourite in the liturgical calendar {Advent is pretty hard to beat}, I have come to appreciate Lent for what it is: a time of preparation, self-examination, and repentance before we celebrate the death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus.

Lent is usually marked by fasting, most notably something sweet. But for someone like me, giving up chocolate and sweets would be kind of like most other people giving up broccoli. To prove my point, there is a container of Caramilk Mini Eggs sitting just beside my left hand as i type this. It has been there since Friday, and i have only eaten two so far.

{In the interest of full-disclosure, i will say that a bag of potato chips is far from safe in my presence…}

Once again, this year for Lent, I'm giving up my favourite diversions. Those things that keep me from doing the hard work of self-examination, keep me from paying attention to what goes on in and around me, keep me from doing the things that I know I should be doing. So, once again, I am turning down the noise, and turning up the quiet, the silence, the solitude that too often I convince myself that I don't really need.

My two companions for this journey are Eastertide: Prayers for Lent Through Easter from The Divine Hours, by Phyllis Tickle, and Devotions For Lent, from the Mosaic Holy Bible. It is from the latter that I will share with you a beautiful poem that sums up the way I begin this Lenten season.

Awe-full
—Frederick Ohler, Better than Nice and Other Unconventional Prayers

Great and holy God
awe and reverence
fear and trembling
do not come easily to us
for we are not
Old Testament Jews
or Moses
or mystics
or sensitive enough.
Forgive us
for slouching into Your presence
with little expectation
and less awe
than we would eagerly give a visiting dignitary.
We need
neither Jehovah nor a buddy—
neither "the Great and Powerful Oz" nor "the man upstairs."
Help us
to want what we need…
You
God
and may the altar of our hearts
tremble with delight
at
Your visitation
amen.

May I emerge from these 40 days a different person than I am today.

gratitude list {#1-#30}

2011-03-07T07:00:00.002-05:00

even when you love your job, there are times, when the alarm heralds that the new week has arrived, that you simply want to hurl the offending thing across the room, roll over, and finding a cool spot on the pillow, pretend that it really isn't true.

but it is. and each day is a gift.

including mondays, when i'm tired, didn't get everything i wanted to done on the weekend, and would trade my coffeemaker for more sleep.

today is a gift.

thanks to Ann Voskamp, and her book One Thousand Gifts {i hope you're not tired of me mentioning this book, because i'm certainly not tired of it yet!}, i have begun counting my own one thousand gifts… one thousand gifts from God that i am grateful for.

each monday, i will share my updated list with you.

here we go…

#1-30 of my very own One Thousand Gifts...

1. hearing a little boy say, 'i love you…' for the first time ever.

2. a comfortable old wool sweater that feels like a friend.

3. sitting at Starbucks alone, knowing that shortly friends will join me.
4. seeing an old couple walk down the street hand in hand.

5. old ladies of great faith who are not afraid to kick my butt spiritually when i need it.

6. khakis that fit perfectly.

7. candles and tea during Life Journal & morning pages.
8. snow falling perfectly.

9. vanilla rooibus tea latte.

10. a friend who goes out of her way to make my life easier.

11. the sun going behind the clouds, creating an unexpected haven of shade.

12. a swift, much-needed wake-up call to a major problem in the world.

13. "Monet Refuses the Operation", a poem by Lisel Mueller.

14. the quiet moments of a new day.

15. knowing that i have enough.

16. friends who help when i am down.

17. a clean kitchen table to start the day with Jesus at.

18. working crazy hard and getting everything done.

19. lunch & laughter.

20. planning a trip to Paris.

21. dad coming home from his missions trip safely.

22. a new Bible to learn from.

23. bananas ripe enough to become something even more yummy.

24. the person outside shoveling a snowy path for me.

25. awakenings—both slow and swift.

26. homemade strawberry jam.

27. a Jane Austen movie night with fellow JA lovers.

28. an unexpected and delightful lunch date.

29. sunday afternoon naps.

30. the time to start and finish a book in one weekend.

expectations

2011-03-03T11:00:00.004-05:00

after so very many years on this planet, you would think that i would have learned that a vast majority of all the disappointments i have had in life have been because reality neither matched nor exceeded the expectations that i held.

why am i surprised by this?

i have a good imagination. so many nights as a child waiting to fall asleep, instead of counting sheep—which i never saw the merits of— i would concoct marvelous stories in my head where i would be the heroine and not only save the world of monsters, aliens and all sorts of evil, but look very stylish doing it. {yes, even as a child, saving the world was equally as important as having good hair}. and when you add to this imagination, the unlimited resources of a rich dream life, well, anything is possible.

everyday-variety real life scarcely has a chance to compare.

"Expectations kill relationships." Ann Voskamp quotes her mother in her beautiful book, One Thousand Gifts. since reading it, this sentence has stuck in my head for days, slowly bring my world of unrealistic expectations versus everyday life reality to the forefront of my mind.

Expectations kill relationships.

there are so many situations flooding my mind where unmet expectations—both on my part and that of others—has strained, bruised and even ended relationships.

including my relationship with God.

how many times have i asked for something, already believing that it should be mine?

how often in the dark of night, illuminated only by the blue haze of the alarm clock, have i rehearsed all the things that i should have?

not to mention those times when it almost seems like i am fighting God to try to get my heart's desire, Him being the proverbial bad guy, one hand holding my dreams away, the other hand holding my head at a arms length as my own arms flair to reach what is not rightfully mine?

this morning in my Life Journal reading, Mark wrote about Jesus' disciples trying to keep children away from Him, so as not to bother him. but Jesus wanted the children near Him. perhaps because of the fun they bring. maybe their laughter. but perhaps, it was because they came to Him without expectations. they didn't want anything from Him, they were just there.

a part of me wonders that if in their lack of expectation, in their innocence, with wonder still fully intact, if those children saw more of a glimpse of the God part of Jesus than all the adults standing around, eyes clouded with expectations of what this teacher could do for them, ever could have.

this child-like, expectation-less, wonder-filled way is the how i want to live my life.

march

2011-03-01T11:00:00.000-05:00

i am the first person to want winter. by mid-july, when the heat and humidity in the GTA is relentless, i begin dreaming of softly falling snow. grey skies so pretty you want to knit a sweater out of them. boots. more boots.

but this year, i am tired of cold and snow. not that i desire summer in any way, i don't. simply put, want to see little buds of green on trees. i want to walk with a spring jacket and my purple umbrella through the spring rain. or perhaps, i just want to not be so cold that everything hurts.

regardless, hello March. you couldn't have gotten here at a better time.

community in a pizza box

2011-02-25T13:00:00.001-05:00

given my lack of cable TV, the fact that i think Matt Lauer is pretty, and the day doesn't feel like it can begin until i hear the opening music of the Today Show, every weekday morning, i download the previous day's podcast, and watch the Today Show from the day before.

i guess, more accurately, i watch the Yesterday Show.

while it's not a perfect situation— i do get my news some 24 hours after the rest of the world— i make the best of it by figuring that at least i get the news... and to see Matt.

earlier this week {on a Matt-less episode}, i heard the story of the pizza delivery driver who noticed that one of their customers, an 82-year old woman who has ordered a pizza every day for three years, hadn't ordered anything for a few days. immediately the driver was concerned, clocked out of her job, and went to check on the woman.

when she got no response at the house, she called 911. paramedics found the woman lying on the floor, unable to contact anyone to help her.

now some might hear this and wonder why on earth this woman had been eating pizza every day for three years. that's a question for another day. what is sticking in my mind is that the pizza delivery person cared enough for someone on the periphery of her life, to put everything else on hold to find out what was going on.

which has lead me to a slew of questions i am asking myself... how soon would i notice if someone in my life dropped out of communication? are the people that God has given me to care about okay? how would i know if they weren't? and on and on...

it's easy to get caught up in my own daily problems. these days, there seems to be more than i can sanely handle as it is. but the amount of madness and activity in my own life does not let me off the hook when it comes to those in my community that God has given me to care about.

paying attention is harder than it sometimes seems it should be. paying attention means putting aside all that distracts me and focusing on something that needs attention. it means hearing stories that may be painful. it means not choosing to ignore, even when ignoring seems like all you can handle.

i will admit, in these past few months, i have had tunnel vision when it comes to my family, and not much beyond that has crept into view. but expecting all the tough situations to evaporate before i can give others my focus is highly unrealistic.

it's time for me to start paying attention again.

on my mind...

2011-02-22T11:00:00.000-05:00

is it just me, or do long weekends seem to go by extraordinarily quickly?

regardless, it's tuesday, a new week, and while i had big plans for the last weekend, unfortunately, i was under the weather for a good part of it, and am still attempting to fight off whatever this actually is.

i hate the in-between. not quite feeling like my usual self, yet not sick enough to be home asleep in my comfy, warm bed. somewhere between café Americanos and chicken noodle soup.

it seems like i am always in the in-between.

some days it feels like i am perpetually 12-year old suzi... old enough to not be a child and 'know better', but still not quite a teenager.

all that aside, there are a few things on my mind today, and i thought i'd share them with you...

One Thousand Gifts | this beautiful book by Ann Voskamp has been the perfect companion for these late winter days. just go get it, you won't be sorry.

coconut M&Ms | i discovered these gems while in michigan a couple weekends back, and only bought one little bag, not knowing how i would love, love, love them. this morning, as i got to my office, there were three glorious bags of them sitting on my desk waiting for me. i have good friends.

le jardin du Luxembourg, Paris | it has been 1055 days since i have been in Paris, and am missing the place my heart calls home. in both my office and home i have a map of the city hanging on walls, and every time i look at it, my eyes naturally go to the spot of green that is the jardin du Luxembourg, a beautiful park on the left bank, not far from the hotel that i call home while in Paris. inside that park is a fountain and small pool of water that i would love to be sitting next to right this very minute. the Medici Fountain {shown right} is one of the best places to sit and think in the world. even though it isn't far from the madness of the Boulevard St. Michel, the noisy traffic seems to melt away and leaves you sitting in this timeless place, with a feeling that in that moment, anything is possible.

what fun we could have sitting there together, solving all the problems in the world... or just people watching.

that's all that is on my mind today. have a beautiful day.

laundromat

2011-02-18T11:00:00.004-05:00

you're probably already aware of this, but it's friday.

friday.

the last breath before the big exhale of a long weekend.

i was awake early this morning, so i packed up laundry in my bright orange Lug, and trudged through the mud and dark spring-like morning to the laundromat.

while the Streetsville laundromat has gone downhill in terms of upkeep in the years that i've been a patron, i find it to be an excellent place to write and read. something about not being surrounded by the usual distractions of home and possessions, i believe.

but whatever the reason is, it's also easier to think here.

this morning, i'm thinking of my three words for 2011.

it has been my practice for the last few years to pick a word that i want to focus on that year. sometimes it is one of the fruit of the Spirit. sometimes something else. but this year, even though—or perhaps, because—i was later in choosing the word, this year, i have three.

i tried to choose between them. even tried choosing two of the three, but nothing but the three of them together ever sat right with me. so, for 2011, i have three words.

my three words for this year are beauty, simplicity, and grace.

i won't get into them today. partly because i am still unpacking what each of them means to my life and how it will all play out, and partly because my laundry is just about finished. but you will be hearing me talk about these three things over these months. that much i can assure you.

have a beautiful weekend.

the day after love

2011-02-15T10:00:00.008-05:00

it's february 15. the day after love.

the day when those of us who are serially single can peek our heads up over the blankets to see if all those naked babies shooting arrows have finally returned to wherever they live the other 364 days of the year.

the day when all that prettily wrapped pink and red candy is half-price at Walmart, and the truly frugal are out doing next year's gift shopping.

the day after.

{insert collective sigh of relief here}

i used to be extremely jaded when it came to Valentine's Day. i used to be the one saying that it was a Hallmark-driven excuse of a 'holiday' that only served to make some people a lot of money, while separating the rest of us from ours. after all, who really believes that roses actually cost more on february 14 than they do on march 14? seriously?!

but these days i have found my peace with this day of love, and it has everything to do with the remarkable people in my life. sure, there may not be that one special guy, but there are no shortage of friends in my landscape.

...friends who i find it difficult to differentiate them from family.

...friends who i haven't seen in years, yet still can laugh and talk like the long separation was but days.

...friends who i go out to lunch with every monday, who have been mistaken for my sisters.

...friends who talk and laugh and cry together over steamy cups at Starbucks, working through life, faith and everything else.

so, regardless what all the marketing says about February 14, my life is so full of love, how could i feel anything but blessed and extraordinarily cherished?

"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved."
—Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

waiting

2011-02-09T06:45:00.004-05:00

WaitingForBus
Originally uploaded by misunderstoodQ

i think too much about waiting.

truth be told, i've never really been a good wait-er. {a brief stint waitressing proved that i wasn't much good at that either.} the every day, constant waiting that we all do, i don't have so much of a problem with that. perhaps it is the advent of the Kobo in my life, and the beauty of carrying around hundreds of books with me wherever i go, that has alleviated that.

but i'm talking about big waiting.

...waiting for dreams to come true.

...waiting for change, both in and around me.

waiting...

what i seem to forget that none of these big things i am waiting for will actually happen unless my waiting is a time of active participation. unless i work towards the dream, practice the spiritual disciplines that will create the change, all my waiting will be for nothing.

today, once again, i am embracing the waiting, seeing it for the incubation period that it is. knowing that the seeds i plant today will yield fruit in another season.

as always, my job is to be faithful...

gifts

2011-02-08T08:30:00.002-05:00

so many things run into each other, crashing, bumping and moving around in my mind. like bumper cars.

hit and bounce.

move on.

hit and bounce.

hit and bounce.

people, more importantly friends, i believe, come into our lives at times when we most need them. i've seen it happen time and again throughout my 16,000 plus days. so, for someone who sees books as friends, the arrival of Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts has been a welcomed addition to my life.

a well-timed, beautifully written book can help clarify all that seems muddled and jumbled and impossibly tangled in my mind. and the combination of this book, studying Ecclesiastes with my small group, and good friends who listen as i try to detangle everything going on in my mind has made the last few days a gift.

not a completely pain-free gift, but a gift nonetheless.

but even as i read and pray and talk, recognizing the wisdom here, i realize that one cannot swallow it all whole and expect to live it out from that moment on perfectly. wisdom doesn't work that way. not much that is truly important in life does.

"For all real answers, don't they come in strata, gradations of understanding? —Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

for all the important things in life, time is the necessary ingredient. time to work it out, live it out, let the gift of wisdom seep into your soul and change you from the inside out.

so all these gifts, these words—written, spoken and prayed—are my companions through this season of too much silence, not enough answers, and a renewed discovery of grace.

my heart is filled with gratitude...

yearning

2011-02-07T17:04:00.002-05:00

my heart yearns

for a myriad of things
these days

but the constant—
the one that never leaves—
is Paris.

unique

2011-02-04T17:07:00.001-05:00

i love my job.

today i got to email out to all of PORTICO's staff a new questionnaire for them to answer. ultimately, these answers will accompany their photo on the staff page of our website. it was such fun putting the questions together, but for me, the best part is when the answers come in.

getting to see the individual personalities come out in what are just a few short questions never ceases to amaze me, and always reminds me of how originally and uniquely God has created us all.

the problem is, i think i'm hooked now.

i'll make you a deal, i'll give you a sneak peek as to not only the questions, but also my answers, and maybe, if you're feeling brave or adventurous or you have nothing else to do, you could leave a comment with your answers to the questions, so i can keep the marveling going throughout the weekend.

what say you? here are my answers...

Farthest you’ve ever been from home: D’nepropetrovsk, Ukraine
Eye color: Blue, grey or green, depending on the day
Beach, country or city? City
Favorite cereal: Coco Krispies
Favorite crayon color: Cerulean Frost
Favorite dessert: Crème brûlée
Favorite book: The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak
If you could travel right now, where would you go? Paris, France {via Calgary & NYC}
If you were a super hero, what super power would you have? Omni-linguism {the ability to understand any form of language}

your turn...

routine

2011-02-03T16:42:00.003-05:00

“I travel a lot; I hate having my life disrupted by routine.” —Caskie Stinnett

this quote pretty much explains how i used to feel about routine. whenever possible, i would take a different way in to work. i refused to be nailed down to traditional meal times. a career change took me from the banker's hours of a job at a credit union to a retail store position, and loved that my schedule changed every day, not to mention every week. basically, routine was pretty much a four letter word.

but i'm feeling different about it these days.

since getting home after almost a month with my family, i have been struggling to get back to even the most basic of schedules. from the time i wake up, right on through until the time i go to bed, i am pretty universally routine-deprived right now.

and now, it needs to stop.

i know myself well enough to know that if i begin to put too many rules in effect, that i won't do anything. so i need to work within my own limitations, and sell myself the benefits of doing the things that i know i should be doing, instead of simply saying, "do it!"

{does anyone else play mind games with themselves? does it actually work?}

so much of my day is lost if i waste the morning away, so it is important that i start things off right. but it's not even so easy as actually getting up the first time the alarm breaks into my sleep. it's going to bed on time. and making sure that the kitchen is clean before that, and the table is cleared of all distractions, and my life journal, bible and morning pages notebook are where i can find them. and my lunch is made and ready to take to work. and...

you get the picture.

so, tonight, while i do my much-neglected laundry, i will turn up Charlotte Martin's new CD {which you should totally get, by the way}, and i will get some organization and new routine-making happening in my little world.

who knows? by next week, i may be unstoppable...

joy

2011-02-01T11:00:00.001-05:00

i've been thinking a lot about joy lately.

about how it is too often mistaken for happiness. how it is a decision. but mostly how it has absolutely nothing to do with the situation that you find yourself in.

some of my favorite verses in the bible, from the end of the book of Habakkuk, reminded me of this...

Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
—Habakkuk 3:17,18

the situation clearly doesn't matter. food or no food. wealth, no wealth. things to worry about, no worries, Habakkuk reminds that no matter what is happening in my life, i still need to be joyful, because none of these things can change that my God loves me.

so today, i am telling my heart to rejoice.

choosing joy

2011-01-31T11:00:00.003-05:00

i am truly enjoying the books of daily readings that i've undertaken for this year. the three of them are all so different, that each brings a very different element to my day, and they all seem to be taking turns being any particular day's favorite.

yesterday's favorite, however, was easy to call... and something i needed {and still need} to hear.

Choosing Joy
by Henri Nouwen, Bread For The Journey {January 30}

Joy is what makes life worth living, but for many joy seems hard to find. They complain that their lives are sorrowful and depressing. What then brings the joy we so much desire? Are some people just lucky, while others have run out of luck? Strange as it may sound, we can choose joy. Two people can be part of the same event, but one may choose to live it quite differently from the other. One may choose to trust that what happened, painful as it may be, holds a promise. The other may choose despair and be destroyed by it.

What makes us human is precisely this freedom of choice.

i choose joy.

weekend

2011-01-28T11:00:00.001-05:00

friday is here, and not a moment too soon.

as i've said before, i'm not a TGIF kind of girl. perhaps because i love my job and all the opportunities that come my way during the week, that while weekends are great, they're not usually necessary for survival... just enjoyment.

this weekend, however, finds me tired. weary. the kind of internal exhaustion that makes one actually wish for a cold or even the flu, if only to stay home and sleep for days.

but life rarely stops simply because we're tired. i've got a fairly busy weekend planned. tonight i am meeting the girls in my small group at Starbucks. with my extended Christmas vacation, i haven't got to see these girls since we met for dinner in early December. it will be good to catch up with these amazing young women.

tomorrow morning i am heading downtown for my favorite beauty ritual—hair color and hand massage–at the Aveda Academy. good times. afterwards, i'll probably stop off at the St. Lawrence market to pick up some yummy things, like asparagus and garlic, and use them to make dinner tomorrow night.

sunday after church, i have my usual 'coffee and set the world straight' date with a good friend, and then, the good part. originally i was thinking of having some friends over to watch the Screen Actors Guild awards, but the lure of getting into my pajamas at noon on Sunday for the glorious rest of the day is just too darn strong.

during this beautiful, blissful Sunday afternoon, i plan to nap, read, write a few letters, and generally do nothing more strenuous than deciding which book i will get to enjoy. {right now, i'm thinking it will be The Book Thief, which i am reading for the second time, but that is subject to change.}

i hope you have a delightful weekend, whatever you find yourself doing.

grateful

2011-01-27T07:49:00.005-05:00

back in December, shortly after we found out about my nephew's illness, i was hanging out with some girls from my small group over dinner. one of them asked me if, during all the madness, i had someone that i could be talk to about how i was feeling. someone i could pour my heart and raw emotions out to honestly.

to say that i am grateful that my unequivocal answer to the question is 'yes', would be a gross understatement.

i have been so much more than blessed by the amazing friends that have not only stood by me spiritually, but also emotionally and physically, through the last crazy month and a half, let alone beyond that.

...the friend who dropped her life and came running from another country when i most needed my closest of friends.

...the friend who, on the night of my Christmas party, dropped everything to come over and finish all that i couldn't through my tears.

...the friend who didn't mind my after midnight call one crazy night over the holidays, when my need to talk to someone about something—anything— trivial and non-emotional was overwhelming.

...the friends who, even though i haven't seen them in way too long, have no idea how much their messages of love and prayers have impacted my life.

...those who let me rant and cry and laugh, and who are not at all surprised that i can do all three of these things at one time. friends who let me not only be myself, but give me the space and safety to express what i am feeling these days.

how one person can be so blessed, amazes me daily.

let me...

2011-01-24T08:28:00.005-05:00

on the wall above my computer at work i have a card that my mother sent me years ago. this is what it says...

When in doubt, repeat this prayer:

let me change what i can.

let me accept that which i cannot change.

let me ignore that which i cannot change or accept.

let me run away from that which i cannot change, accept, or ignore.

let me lock myself in the bathroom, hold my hands over my ears, and hum about that which i cannot change, accept, ignore or run away from.

let me...

i LOVE this card. it makes me happy. but more importantly, it reminds me how easy it is to go from attempting to face and deal with situations that arise in life, to falling into old traps of avoidance and running away.

i've always been big on running away. since i love traveling, it probably makes sense that my defense mechanism of choice is the one that will take me somewhere else. anywhere else. at any given moment i can tell you five places that i would love to be in a heartbeat.

but the reality is that running away, ignoring, or even locking myself in the bathroom is no way to handle life, no matter how insane it gets. for the most part, even for one who doesn't like confrontation, the best way to face life is head on, with the security of knowing that you don't face it alone.

let me face life with the faith and hope that i know are mine in Jesus...

solitude

2011-01-21T06:38:00.003-05:00

i love new beginnings. january. even the new school year. a chance to start over, unfettered by whatever happened before. even this year, although it feels a bit like i'm beginning a bit late, there are some pleasures that only a new year can afford.

pleasures like beginning a new book {or two} of daily readings. i know that even in May someone could pick up a book of daily readings, devotional or otherwise, but there is something that irks me deep inside at the thought of starting a book in the middle, that just keeps me from doing so.

so, this week, i am getting caught up on the daily readings that i missed while i was away from the three {yes, three} books of daily meditations that will be part of my journey this year. you might ask, 'why three?', and the only answer i have for you is 'why not three?' :-)

in truth, these are three that i have wanted to read for a while, and since i am in the perfect january window, and choosing between Rilke, Buechner and Nouwen seems pretty much impossible, here we are. {you can find out all three here.}

today's reading from Henri Nouwen's book, Bread For The Journey, is definitely one that i needed to hear. living alone, on the other side of the country from my family, i have grown accustomed to the benefits of solitude. however, after 25 days of living at my parents, and being surrounded by family, since returning home, my heart has been fighting the aloneness. this is what Mr. Nouwen writes on day 21...

Solitude is the garden for our hearts, which yearn for love. It is the place where our aloneness can bear fruit. it is the home for our restless bodies and anxious minds. Solitude, whether it is connected with a physical space or not, is essential for our spiritual lives. It is not an essay place to be, since we are so insecure and fearful that we are easily distracted by whatever promises immediate satisfaction. Solitude is not immediately satisfying, because in solitude we meet our demons, our addictions, our feelings of lust and anger, and our immense need for recognition and approval. But if we do not run away, we will meet there also the One who said, "Do not be afraid. I am with you, and i will guide you throughout the valley of darkness."

Let's keep returning to our solitude.

so, this is my goal right now. to once again grown comfortable with and embrace the solitude.

defeated

2011-01-20T20:09:00.002-05:00

i've had a day.

it was a perfect storm of madness of different varieties, and i have had all the madness i can take. so, the moment i finish this post, i'll be heading for bed. it is my sincere hope that tonight's sleep will be the 'reset' button that i need to make it all go away.

i've said it before, and i know i'll say it again, but Rilke must really have been the perfect man. he always seems to have the perfect words even when i don't know what i need to hear. and today, i need to hear the last couple lines of my very favorite poem...

The Man Watching
by Ranier Maria Rilke
by rainer maria rilke
I can tell by the way the trees beat, after
so many dull days, on my worried windowpanes
that a storm is coming,
and I hear the far-off fields say things
I can't bear without a friend,
I can't love without a sister
The storm, the shifter of shapes, drives on
across the woods and across time,
and the world looks as if it had no age:
the landscape like a line in the psalm book,
is seriousness and weight and eternity.
What we choose to fight is so tiny!
What fights us is so great!
If only we would let ourselves be dominated
as things do by some immense storm,
we would become strong too, and not need names.
When we win it's with small things,
and the triumph itself makes us small.
What is extraordinary and eternal
does not want to be bent by us.
I mean the Angel who appeared
to the wrestlers of the Old Testament:
when the wrestler's sinews
grew long like metal strings,
he felt them under his fingers
like chords of deep music.
Whoever was beaten by this Angel
(who often simply declined the fight)
went away proud and strengthened
and great from that harsh hand,
that kneaded him as if to change his shape.
Winning does not tempt that man.
This is how he grows: by being defeated, decisively,
by constantly greater beings.

i needed to be reminded that on these days, when i am feeling defeated on so many levels, that God can use even this defeat. my defeat.

until tomorrow...

hello

2011-01-19T21:39:00.004-05:00

hi there.

it's been so long since i wrote, i almost feel like i need to reintroduce myself to you.

i'm suzi. or susanne, suze, sue, depending on how close we are or how we were introduced. pretty much any variation of the name with the total exception of susan. to quote whitney houston, my name is not susan.

now that we've got that out of the way, this place is where i usually write my thoughts, ideas, musings. i say usually, because during those times when i don't want to know my own thoughts, ideas and musings, when i am scared of what i will find there, on those days i don't write.

there have been quite a few of those days lately.

but tonight i am breaking the silence.

last night i spent some time talking to God about the fact that in many ways, i don't know how to pray about Jayden and his situation. i won't bore you with all the details, but in essence, i asked God to tell me how to pray for this craziness.

i didn't have to wait very long for the answer.

this morning i heard about someone else who, in the midst of their own craziness, when asking for prayer, asked not that something miraculous would be done, but that they would be okay with whatever God was doing.

instantly, i knew this was my answer.

and this is now my prayer, not only for myself, but for my family.

that's all i have for tonight.

i'm back.

and the final tally...

2011-01-01T10:53:00.002-05:00

...of books i read in 2010 is 57 instead of my goal of 75.

my end of year thoughts, as well as favorite books of they year are here.

happy new year!

remembering not to forget

2010-12-11T10:07:00.005-05:00

"Never doubt in the dark what God told you in the light." —V. Raymond Edman

if you've hung around this planet long enough, you know that things don't always go the way you want them to.

   flat tires.
   bad haircuts.
   country music.
   any Microsoft product.
   unemployment.

you get the picture.

i don't know about you, but when things don't go my way, i don't always handle the unwanted interruption with consummate grace. i have an almost superhuman ability to whine, wallow and sulk. if there were Olympics for wanting my own way, i would have multiple gold medals. i'd need a bigger home simply to showcase them all.

and then, something crazy happens. you find out that this little person, who, while he's only been on this planet for four short years, has so entangled himself in your heart that you couldn't pull the two apart if you tried, is sick.

and you realize how very little and stupid the rest of it all is.

and somewhere in the flurry of details, facts, fear, and the ear-piercing sound of your own heart breaking, for a moment you forget. you forget that long before you met this little man that he was designed and loved by God. you forget the miracles that already happened resulting in his very presence in our lives. you forget that your job hasn't changed in the face of all that has changed. that your job is to pray, and love, and trust, and believe in not only the Baby Savior we're waiting for, but the Risen Savior who took on illness and death—and won.

my job is not to forget.

a dear friend sent me these verses {and more} this morning, and i am reading them over and over in an effort to remember not to forget...

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God
goes with you wherever you go." —Joshua 1:9

"The Lord himself goes before you & will be with you;
He will never leave you or forsake you. Do not be
afraid; do not be discouraged." —Deuteronomy 31:8

"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right
hand & says Do not fear, I will help you." —Isaiah 41:3

"The Lord is faithful to all His promises & loving to all He
has made. The Lord upholds all who fall and lifts up all
who are bowed down." —Psalm 145:13-14

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in
trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth give way &
the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though the waters
roar & foam, and the mountains quake with their surging." —Psalm 46:1-3

For updates on Jayden, visit http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jaydenphaneuf .

still

2010-12-06T21:33:00.003-05:00

in true advent form, we are waiting.

waiting for news on Jayden.

late yesterday, after a weekend of bad news followed by more bad news, we finally got a bit of good. last night's surgery went well.

and today, we are back to waiting.

here's the problem with waiting: when you're standing in the middle of the fear, the unknown, the dark, you have to struggle to remember the good. remember that no matter how alone you may feel, that you're never really alone. remember that no matter how dark and thick it is around you, that light always triumphs over darkness. remember that the hope we have is based on no small thing.

for the past three days i have had a line of a song in my head. it's a Christmas one by Steven Curtis Chapman, and until tonight, while i knew i had it in the vast recesses of my iTunes library, i wasn't sure which one it was. using my brilliant detective skills {i saw you roll your eyes...} i solved the mini mystery. it's called The Miracle of Christmas, and seems especially fitting this season, as we really need a miracle this year.

The Miracle of Christmas
by Steven Curtis Chapman

A child is born tonight in Bethlehem
His mother holds him close and sings a sweet lullaby
All the world is sleeping unaware that God himself has come in the night

The shepherds tremble as the angels sing
And in their song the voice of God speaks peace to the world
A miracle has happened, God has come and God has spoken
But the miracle has only just begun

And the God who spoke is speaking still
And the God who came still comes
And the miracle that happened still happens in the heart that will believe
And we see (receive) the miracle of Christmas

So come to Bethlehem again and see
The One who's come to rescue us, our Saviour and King
Bring your past, the joy, the sorrow, all your hope to find tomorrow
And hear the words again, fear not and know that God is near

For the God who spoke is speaking still
And the God who came still comes
And the miracle that happened still happens in the heart that will believe
And receive the miracle of Christmas

Believe the miracle of Christmas
Will you believe?

{emphasis mine}

"The God who came still comes..." this is the line that has been repeated over and over in my mind. the words i need to remember. that He is still Emmanuel, "God with us", not the God who was here, but God with us.

please continue to pray for Jayden, his mom, dad, sister, brother and the rest of our family as we continue to wait and hope in the God who is with us.

updated December calendar...

2010-12-06T13:44:00.003-05:00

if you would like to use this as your desktop, simply click on it, then right click on the larger version and 'save as'.

Jayden

2010-12-05T18:44:00.003-05:00

i've been trying to write a blog post since friday...

...but i have discovered that it is extremely difficult to write when your heart is breaking.

my 4-year old nephew Jayden is sick.

friday, after he woke up unable to walk, the doctors at the calgary children's hospital found that he has tumors—most notably two on his spine.

after efforts to try to shrink them, unless the little guy moves his legs soon, they will be doing surgery to remove some of the bone in his spine at 9:00 pm eastern time tonight.

being so far away really sucks. every bit of news that makes it here is bad, so right now we NEED some good news. Jayden needs something to go right, to be good.

who am i kidding? we all do.

desperately.

please pray...

Advent

2010-12-03T10:00:00.000-05:00

fifteen years ago this morning my Gram called up the stairs to ask if i wanted to look at the papers. ten minutes later my Grampa yelled up to me to let the paramedics in. in those short ten minutes, Gram—best friend, staunchest supporter, my own personal prayer warrior—left this life for the next.

suddenly, for the first time in my life, eternity never seemed so far away.

and i was left here, waiting, to see her again.

recently, others joined her. in the past 15 months, Grampa, Uncle Sylvio, and only last month Uncle Jerry, have all left gaping holes in the horizon of our family.

as the first week of this Advent season heads into the second, i've been reflecting on the theme of the season: waiting.

we are always waiting for something.

for an appointment.
a bus.
our turn.
a visit from a faraway friend.
a dream to come true.
to be healed.

yes, always waiting for something.

we do our best, however, to convince ourselves that we're not waiting. we are so very clever at diverting ourselves, focusing our attention on the things that we can make happen, filling the holes in our lives with all the things we can, convincing ourselves that in spite of what we don't have, we are still, somehow, complete.

and then, there is Advent.

these days celebrating the fact that in reality we don't have what we need to complete ourselves. that on our own, we are incomplete. that the baby in the manger wasn't only suppose to fulfill prophecy, but was also meant to fill our hearts. round us out, to be the people we are always destined to be.

and Advent also reminds us that while we are on this side of eternity, we will always be waiting—waiting see our Savior face to face, waiting to see ourselves fully in God's eyes, and yes, waiting to see those who have gone on before us.

so, this morning i miss my Gram, and so many others. but as i wait to see them again, i will embrace the waiting, letting it remind me that i am not yet complete, that i need this baby Savior, and that while i am alive, there is still so much for me to do while i wait.

and so i wait...

december

2010-12-01T16:15:00.003-05:00

best...

2010-11-28T19:13:00.000-05:00

this is the best TV cliffhanger finale episode ever.

seriously.

it gets me every time...

wonder

2010-11-09T07:00:00.000-05:00

i was sorting through the memories and memorabilia from my recent trip to New York City the other day, and came across my NYC Metro Card, where i found this quote on the back:

"Within five miles of where you live, there are enough strange things to keep you wondering all your life. Probably in your dooryard may be found enough to employ the intellect of a strong man; one of the great discoveries in science was made by a man cultivating the ordinary garden pea." —E. W. Howe

may you find and enjoy all the wonder hidden within your world.

favorite things...

2010-11-05T06:28:00.002-04:00

i used to do a lot more crafty kinds of things at home, especially back in the days when i worked in a credit union. it makes sense that creative energy needs to find a way to express itself, and that certainly wasn't happening when dealing with money, so i spent much free time sewing, cross-stitching, etc.

then i started working as a graphic designer, and everything changed.

being creative every day meant that when i came home at night, the last thing on earth i wanted to do was attempt to be creative yet again. my poor sewing machine can attest to that. it's been years since i have done more than dust him off.

but lately, my job has required a bit less of the creative, design work, and more communications, web work, leaving me with more creative energy when i get home than previous years.

so i've started making felt ornaments, and having way too much fun doing so!

this little bird i made last night, he is way too cute, and i think that he needs to have some similar, although differently colored friends really soon.

this goldfish may be my most favorite of all i've created. he was definitely time-consuming, with all his scales, but gosh, he turned out cute!

everything but this gingerbread man was made from patterns from a book called Fa La La La Felt, which i recently picked up. but this guy i drew and designed on my own.

and finally, these little partridges were the first ornaments i attempted, and i still think they are delightful.

it's actually relaxing, making them as i watch television at night... although my living room looks a bit like a kindergarten craft table.

it's a sacrifice i'm willing to make.

positive

2010-11-04T08:12:00.001-04:00

it is way too easy to focus on the negative things these days... at least it is for me. perhaps because the negative is easier to find, you really don't have to look for it. while the positive, the good, requires a bit of effort.

today i am choosing to look at the positive, and to celebrate, here are six things i am overwhelmingly grateful for, in no particular order...

my job. yesterday at our staff meeting, they celebrated staff who have worked at PORTICO for five years or more. given that i am getting ready to celebrate my 11th anniversary of working here, i got some love. it's been a great decade, and i love my job as much as ever.
my friend, Angela. i don't know anyone else on earth who would drive four hours just because i had a crazy idea that i wanted to go to the St. Lawrence Market with her. everyone needs a friend who would drive four hours just to satisfy one of their whims.
coffee. enough said.
family. it's been eleven months since i have seen most of my family, and as December 21, the day i will get on an airplane and head west, approaches, i am filled with anticipation to see the parents, the brothers, how big the niece and nephews have gotten, and to meet my newest nephew.
banana nut mueslix. i don't like a lot of breakfast cereals, but this one i love. it might not seem like much to you, but for someone who has a hard time eating breakfast, finding something i actually like and enjoy is a real treat.
this season. i love this season. beautiful colors. falling leaves, making nature look as thought it is in a constant state of motion. putting up my Christmas tree. preparations for my upcoming party, as well as making gifts to give to people i love. i love the anticipation of seeing people you haven't seen in ages, and the laughter that ensues.

what about you? what are you grateful for today?

off

2010-11-01T08:14:00.002-04:00

i am feeling off today.

it started sometime yesterday, not sure if i could actually pinpoint the time. but by late yesterday afternoon, it was official that i was not feeling like myself. i was achy and stuffed up, so i hoped that perhaps the 'offness' was a result of the onset of a cold, but this morning i awoke sans illness, but still not quite myself.

even as i wrote this morning, it felt strained and unfamiliar.

after getting ready, i walked out of the house and into dog pooh and anger. in retrospect, the anger was probably disproportionate to the amount of pooh stepped in. perhaps it was the cumulative amount of dog pooh i have stepped in over the last few months, or just another symptom of how i am feeling.

then as i walked to work, i almost got run into by a car. while the driver wasn't watching where she was going, it was my fault because i wasn't where i should have been... but that didn't stop me from angrily looking at the driver and asking, 'what on earth is wrong with you?!' through the windshield.

never would i have thought that i would end up being that person.

i am off today.

i'm not even sure what i most need. i only know that i don't feel like myself, now compounded by the guilt of taking my unfounded anger out on an unsuspecting stranger. i pray that she forgets and my outburst does not affect her day.

as in all my more ugly self-aware moments, Rilke words seem to find their way into my mind. these, the last part of the poem, 'I Am Praying Again, Awesome One' seem particularly fitting...

it is here in all the pieces of my shame
that i now find myself again.
i yearn to belong to something, to be contained
in an all-embracing mind that sees me
as a single thing.
i yearn to be held
in the great hands of your heart—
oh let them take me now.

into them i place these fragments, my life,
and you, God— spend them however you want.
—Rilke

falling

2010-10-27T06:39:00.007-04:00

there are days when it feels like everything is out of control.

falling.

not doing what i want, or need, or think it should be doing. but rather, spinning wildly, jerking erratically and heading towards the floor, only the sound of the crash remaining.

i was facing the window while in a meeting yesterday, and had to force myself to not simply sit and watch the constantly falling leaves. there wasn't a second where at least one leaf was making its mesmerizing, spinning, beautiful journey to the ground.

the trees appear to be wiser than i am.

to graciously give up what you cannot hold is a lesson i am still learning. to remember that there is a season for everything. to trust that the Maker of the season knows more and better than i, is a place i need to rest more. a place i need to live.

given all this, it is only fitting that i let Rilke weigh in on the situation. as always, i am silenced by his words...

Autumn
by Rainer Maria Rilke

The leaves are falling, falling as if from far up,
as if orchards were dying high in space.
Each leaf falls as if it were motioning "no."

And tonight the heavy earth is falling
away from all other stars in the loneliness.

We're all falling. This hand here is falling.
And look at the other one. It's in them all.

And yet there is Someone, whose hands
infinitely calm, holding up all this falling.

support

2010-10-26T07:21:00.004-04:00

if someone is on a church staff in a support capacity, should they attend that same church?

over the past few days, i've had three different {and unprovoked} conversations regarding this question with different friends, from different areas of my life, some currently on staff at different churches, some never having been employed by a church.

there appear to be no shortage of different opinions.

in my mind, it only makes sense that i attend PORTICO, the place of worship where i spend not only my sunday mornings, but my workdays as well. it is the place where my best energy, creative efforts and ideas get used—i pray—to not only glorify God, but to encourage and inspire the people who sit in the pews around me. from an implementation perspective, why would i not want to see what works, what doesn't and what i could improve on?

from a spiritual perspective, given how much blood, sweat and prayer that i put into PORTICO, could i ever feel anything but divided by attending another church? sure, there might be days when it would be easier, not getting pulled into work-mode when my goal is to worship would be nice, but would my heart be in it? or would i even—horrors—end up comparing them?

perhaps i over-simplify the situation, but if i do, i come by this over-simplification justifiably.

for pretty much my entire childhood and adolescence, my father worked at Chrysler. everything–all the meals my family consumed, Christmas and birthday presents, back to school clothes—was made possible because of dad's pay cheque from the automaker. to go along with that, i don't ever remember my dad owning a car that wasn't a Chrysler, and pretty much every car i have ever owned was the same. to this day, if i bought a car, it would have to be a Chrysler.

did dad have to buy Chrysler? well, no, he wasn't forced to. but to him, it was {and still is} the right thing to do.

and my dad isn't the only one who feels this way. this morning i read an article about Melinda Gates not allowing any Macintosh products to enter their home. would it kill the multi-millionaire to drop a couple hundred dollars on an iPod for one of the kids? probably not, but Ms. Gates appears to subscribe to the same 'you support what supports you' theory as my dad.

last week, on a church communications blog that i read, Over-Communicate, i read this post that has helped me solidify how i feel about this. the post uses John 10:11-13 as its basis, with Jesus talking about the difference between a shepherd and a hired hand in the care of sheep. when the wolf comes, where the hired hand hightails it out of there, the shepherd stays. why? the hired hand only collects a pay cheque, he doesn't own the sheep. the shepherd, however, owns and loves the sheep, and will do all he can to protect them.

this great post has stuck in my head, and the truth is, i don't want to be just a hired hand at PORTICO.

to be honest, before these conversations, i hadn't given all this much thought. it just makes sense to me that being part of PORTICO's staff would mean that i would attend PORTICO. it is where the rest of the staff and i use the best parts of ourselves, where we work side by side the sake of the kingdom of God in this corner of the world where we live.

why would i want to be anywhere else?

walked

2010-10-23T08:32:00.007-04:00

it seems, for the people in my life, that october is the month to go on vacation. right now, i have friends and family in Egypt, Israel, Texas and California.

as envious as i am, given that i always want to travel, there seems to be a bit of a theme woven throughout some of these vacations, and even crossing over into some of the books i have read this year.

more than one friend who was going to Israel told me that for them, the crux of the trip is to walk where Jesus walked. to see things He would have seen with His eyes.

this morning i received an email from my dad, who, with my mom, is finally living his lifetime-long dream of visiting the Alamo. in it, he said,

"What a feeling to be standing where all those heroes stood. To cross the line and stand with them. The feeling of hopelessness as you realize they were all going to die yet stayed there to serve their country."

my dad is living his dream, walking in the footsteps of his heroes.

after that, i read my friend Phil's blog post, and in it he has a video where Francis Chan talks about going to Oxford and getting a crash course in church history, actually seeing where some lived, and some died.

combine all that with some books i have read this year. A Walk With Jane Austen, for one, where a young woman drops her life to go to England for a month to visit the places where the famous author lived her life and wrote her words. and then there is the book i just finished, Juliet, which while it is a novel, is about a woman who discovers that she is related to the original Juliet, of Shakespeare fame, and returns to Siena, Italy to discover the truth, and her rightful inheritance.

there is something so compelling about connecting the past with the present. about standing in a place and wondering how many fascinating, or just plain normal people through the years have also stood in the same place. about wondering what they did, who they loved, how they faced down their own fears.

...as a child, i walked through forts on vacations with my family, where people of bravery took stands and fought to keep invaders away from their land, teaching me that the way things are now, is not they way they have always been. that there are things that are worth defending.

...i have wandered a Parisian garden where both my favorite sculptor and favorite poet wandered themselves, looking for inspiration and solace, hoping the garden would pass its magic into my own words and art.

...sadly, i have found myself standing in a gas chamber in Auschwitz, unable to keep the tears from flowing for all the lives that ended in that cold, cement room, and all the ways the world could have been made a better place had that room not ever been built.

there are still so many places that i want to touch the ground. so many people, long dead, whose ghosts i want to will my eyes to see. so very much history that i want to connect with.

so many places to walk...

where do you want to walk?

voices

2010-10-19T08:04:00.006-04:00

these past few weeks have been rough.

i have dealt with emotions and gone places i never anticipated going, all in my mind. it hasn't been a party, and i have not at all enjoyed it.

one thing i have learned—or more accurately, relearned— is the importance of what you allow the voices to tell you, and how much validity you place on those voices. that not every thought that finds its way into your head is truth and worthy of thinking about.

with all this in mind, i came across this prayer this morning. i have quoted from Prayers for a Privileged People by Walter Brueggemann before, and i am fairly sure this won't be the last time...

Hearing Better Voices
on reading the prophets

We make a pause
amid many voices—
some innocent and some seductive,
some violent and some coercive,
some forgiven and genuine,
some not.

Amid this cacophony that pulls us
in many directions,
we have these old voices of your prophets;
these voices to attest to
your fierce self,
your severe summons,
your generous promise,
your abiding presence.

Give us good ears,
perchance you have a word for us tonight;
Give us grace and courage to listen,
      to answer,
      to care,
      and to rejoice,
that we may be more fully your people.

this is my prayer today.

weight

2010-10-06T06:28:00.003-04:00

while emailing my good friend Alicia this morning, i started to explain to her why sometimes doing the things that i know are good for me are just so darn hard. it's not that i'm lazy, or i don't understand how important these things—writing, exercise, etc.— are. it's actually quite the opposite, i know how vital they are to a healthy me, and paradoxically, the weight of their importance, at time, cripples me.

when i am about to embark on something good for me, be it writing or working out or whatever, it is never just a single event in my mind. somehow my brain takes that event and turns it into something bigger. as though if it is worth my time to do today, then surely, here and now, i must make a commitment to do this good thing every day for the rest of my natural-born life. merely doing it once would be a 'why bother?'

then, the weight of a lifetime of said good thing starts to wear and feel incredibly daunting. the fatigue that plagues my mind as it attempts to wrap itself around this heavy commitment, and all the other things i will never do because i will be doing this forever, makes me want to go take a nap... which is not very conducive to getting anything done.

my challenge, it seems, is to not put added weight onto the daily tasks that i need and want to do. the writing i do today, is the by-product of today, not the rest of my life. walking to work is merely a 25-minute jaunt. not 25 minutes times 365 days times how many more years i will live. first off, i probably couldn't do the math, but no one can expect to live a lifetime in one day.

i only have to be faithful and disciplined for today. for right now.

and deal with tomorrow when it gets here.

October 2010 Desktop

2010-10-04T21:56:00.004-04:00

happy, happy october.