control issues

in today's my utmost for his highest reading, oswald chambers says that,

even the very smallest thing that we allow in our lives that is not under the control of the Holy Spirit is completely sufficient to account for spiritual confusion...

'even the very smallest thing...' so, i asked myself, what are those areas that i have not allowed the Holy Spirit to control, and lo and behold, they are the areas of my life that are a mess.

coincidence? i don't think so.

there are so many reasons that i have for not giving up control. feeling that i should be able to 'fix' my own life. giving up control seems like weakness. being a single woman living on my own, i feel the need to take care of myself. but the worst, and probably the most prevalent reason, is fear.

i really hate the fact that there are parts of my life so affected by fear, that it keeps me from completely trusting God. and the crazy thing is that this fear does not affect all of my life. i will go to a country where i don't speak the language, and know that God is with me and will take care of me, but at night, when i'm lying in the safety of my own bed, i find myself too often scheming up ways of taking care of some small need in my life, just in case God doesn't come through as i want him to, or when i want him to.

so, how does one resolve their long-standing control issues? i suppose just one minute at a time within the context of an examined life.

happy birthday gram

september 11 means something different to me. while in no way diminishing the events of 2001, decades before, this day became special because it is the day that marjorie jean crease, my gramma, was born.

my gram was an amazing woman who lived a quiet, simple life. and like too many that visit this planet, her true value wasn't fully appreciated until after she left us. i remember writing in my journal on the day she died, that it seemed like just so much light was gone from our world.

so much of who i am today is because of this woman. she inspired me to write when i didn't even know i could. she believed in me when i could find nothing of any value in myself. she encouraged me to live my dreams, but to stay rooted where it mattered, with God and with family. she kicked my butt when i needed it, and she prayed. she prayed for me. a lot.

after she died, i remember selfishly feeling a loss, that she was no longer here praying, but was reminded, in the form of an e.m. bounds quote i had on a bulletin board, that,

"{prayer} is no fitful, short-lived thing. it is no voice crying unheard and unheeded in the silence. it is a voice which goes into God’s ear, and it lives as long as God’s ear is open to holy pleas, as long as God’s heart is alive to holy things. God shapes the world by it.

{prayers} are deathless. the lips that uttered them may be closed to death, the heart that felt them may have ceased to beat, but they live before God, and God’s heart is set on them and they outlive the lives of those who uttered them; they outlive a generation, outlive an age, outlive a world. that man is the most immortal who has done the most and the best service of calling on God. they are God heroes, God’s saints, God’s servants, God’s vicegerents.

i believe that her prayers still echo over my and my family's lives today.

on december 3, 2008 it will be 13 years since the sunday morning that she left us...and judging by the hole still in my heart, it hardly seems possible that it could be that long. to quote sandra mccracken in her song portadown station, i still hear her 'voice in my head, but i miss the sound'. sometimes more than i can still believe.

happy birthday, gram. i love you and miss you always.

september

sheer brilliance

"the grace of God means something like: here is your life. you might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn't have been complete without you.”

~frederick buechner

broken

i think i am hopelessly broken.

not long ago i went to michigan to visit one of my favorite people ever, my best friend angie. angie and her family live a bit north of detroit, in a quiet and very pretty wooded area. it was late on a friday night, and as i turned off of I-96, my attention was caught by tiny lights at the side of the road. at first i thought that i was seeing things...clearly the drive had gotten to me.

but as i kept going down the dark road, i saw them again, and realized that i wasn't losing my mind, they were fireflies! hundreds of fireflies lined the roads as i drove to ang & todd's, practically a mini-firework welcoming committee. it was the most amazing thing, and all i could do was smile as i saw them illuminate, as if just for me.

the broken part is this: somewhere along the way, from the last time i had thought of fireflies, i had forgotten about them. not the amnesia type of forgetting, but the 'out of sight, out of mind' sort of forgetting, which, given how happy they make me is just plain sad.

why is it that i can remember every single negative remark directed at me for years, and yet i cannot remember how much i love fireflies? how is it even possible that i can remember cruel words hurled over a decade ago, but struggle to remember the kind words of a friend from last week? how can it be so much easier to remember hurt than to remember things that bring me joy?

how does one remember the things that they have a great propensity to forget?

new beginnings

another thing that i love about fall is the fact that life goes back to normal.

even when i was in school, i hated summer, beyond the dreaded heat, it's the annoyance that the people you most wanted to see were away, or worked weird hours, and the fact that the usual routine of life was just tossed out the window. not that i'm such a big fan of routine for myself, but i have always had the selfish tendency to want the people in my life to be where i can find them. (note to self: need to work on that.)

but yesterday...yesterday i walked to the church to get the sermon presentation on the G5, then walked to starbucks for an americano, then went out with erynne, and then ended the day by hanging out with alicia, two people i have barely seen given the madness of summer. good, good times.

and, we start our small group after the summer's hiatus tomorrow night. i'm exceedingly glad we took the summer off, given the madness of this year, i definitely needed the break. but i'm excited to get going again. it looks like we have a new member (welcome, michelle!) and many of the old ones returning, and i cannot wait to see how we are going to be challenged to grow this year... because if there is anything that the book of job taught us last year, it is that the challenges will come.

and so, before i go get ready for my day, because this time of year always makes me yearn to see les miserables yet again, i will leave you with the timeless words of victor hugo...

have no fear of robbers or murderers. they are external dangers, petty dangers. we should fear ourselves. prejudices are the real robbers; vices the real murders. the great dangers are within us. why worry about what threatens our heads or purses? let us think instead of what threatens our souls.

what i love about fall...

it's 7:02am. i've been up for about an hour and a half, a little later than usual, but this is one of those rare days when i can walk to work...and this fact, i love.

i know that i've annoyed some people with my extreme glee over the fact that at least according to my calendar, summer is over. all the teachers in my acquaintance, i believe, have collectively pooled their resources and put a contract out on my life. :-) so, in my defense, i will try to explain why i love fall so very much, beyond the fact that it means that summer is over, and won't be back for three whole seasons!

i love fall because:

• the days are shorter. i love leaving for work when it is still dark outside, it makes me feel like i am being so productive, and getting so much more done. and conversely, i dislike going to bed when there is some semblence of light outside, which, given my occasional gramma-like bedtime, happens in the summer. i dislike feeling like i'm missing out on something, but not enough to not go to sleep when i'm tired.
• the clothes are better. in the summer, you have to dress to stay cool. in the fall, you can dress how you want to.
• the food is better. apple pie. apple strudel. apple crisp. sweet potato anything. pumpkin anything. not to mention the fact that because it is not sweltering outside, one can bake!
• the colors are better. yes, green is okay (it is also michigan state's color, and that, in & of itself should tell you something is not right with the color), but oranges and reds and yellows, and leaves crunching under your feet as you walk...not to mention...
• the smell of fall...
• college football (in spite of the previously mentioned breakdown) whether or not i can watch it on television...
  
• the fact that fall ushers in the christmas season...

there are more, so many more, but here are just a few of the reasons that i am obnoxiously happy of the fact that summer is no longer among us.