Silent Saturday

sandwiched between the Day that is Good
and the Day that is Holy
is the one that is Silent

how did Jesus' disciples spend
this Silent Saturday?

did they wonder what they could have done?
should have done?
did they remember Jesus' words differently
in this new darkness?
did they remember His words of hope
or did the grief obscure what should have
made their hearts expectant?

should they have
        spoken up?
        fought off soldiers?
        stuck beside Him all the way?
        taken Judas out long ago?

Judas—
did they blame him more than they should have
because blaming themselves hurt too much?

what does one do on a day
when Light has died
when Life has died
and you don't have the expectation
or the hope
that He will rise tomorrow?

you wait.
you try to remember all the things
that you saw and heard when the Light shone brightly
some vital instruction
something that will help make sense
of the senseless

for those of us
on the other side of Easter
it is easy to overlook this day
this silence
this day after

because we know
it is also the day before

        before the stone is rolled away
        before hope rises
        before an empty tomb
        before a walk with a Stranger

but the Disciples did not
they were living it
in brutally real time

this makes me wonder...
all the things that today
cause us to despair
have strained our hope
turn our stomachs into knots of string
just by thinking about them
        sickness
        loneliness
        cancer
        injustice
        war
        death

i wonder
if we knew that Jesus would rise in
        our despair
        our hopelessness
tomorrow
what we would do with today?

Simple ≠ Easy

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you. —Psalm 39:7

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. —Psalm 42:11

The questions in these verses remind me of that old Johnny Carson skit where he wore a turban and held a piece of paper to his forehead with an answer on it. When the question was revealed, the answer was most always hilarious.

But while they all were similarly funny, for these questions posed by the Psalmists, Johnny would only need one card, and on it would be written, Hope in God.

What about cancer in a little body? Hope in God.

Other illness in my family? Hope in God.

Things not turning out as I'd planned? Hope in God.

The turbulence in the world? Hope in God.

Tsunamis, earthquakes, floods...? Hope in God.

Unanswered prayers and unrealized dreams? Hope in God.

It seems simple, almost formulaic, but while the answer is simple, it is far from easy—anything but easy. Standing rock solid on my hope in God, regardless of what I wait for not arriving, regardless of the turmoil going on in and around me, regardless of all the things that would serve to push me off this sometimes tiny foundation of hope, is not easy.

But whoever said that life was going to be easy? Not my mom, and certainly not Jesus... who said, "In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." {John 16:33}

Who better to put our hope in than the One who already faced down the world and won?

hurt

why is it so difficult to say the words, "you hurt me", even to those who we are closest?

if someone runs over a child's foot with a wagon, there is no question that that child will use all the powers available to them to tell the world that they've been hurt. children clearly have little problem in expressing it when pain comes their way.

but as an adult, i am always more prone to shield my true hurt feelings inside of me, downplaying them as effectively as i can to the rest of the world.

is it my pride, not wanting to be hurt further by a casual brush-off?

do i somehow think that suppressing it is the 'Christian' thing to do?

am i afraid that if i say the words that my hurt or anger will translated itself into tears, and what i have to say will be written off as 'emotional'?

or am i simply ashamed to admit that i was so delicate as to have been hurt by the situation?

if it was me, and i had hurt a friend, i would want them to say something, especially if i appeared oblivious to it, so that i could right the wrong.

it's probably wrong to hope that my friends and family have not done to me what i find it too easy to do... not to mention a bit hypocritical... or maybe a lot hypocritical.

i don't think that i will magically find a way to do this overnight, but i do need to find a way to express my hurt without anger, without it being discounted by emotion, and without downplaying it.

how do you handle it when someone hurts you?

so LOST

i am super tired tonight. and i tried... i REALLY tried to go to bed without writing this, but the questions are killing me.

watching LOST 24 hours after the rest of my world is leaving me dumbfounded and in awe after these emotions have worn off on most everyone else. and the questions... there are always more questions...

is penny dead?
where is desmond?
how did a handcuffed sayid end up on the airplane, and who is the agent with him?
how did hurley hear about the flight?
what happened to the airplane?
where are sun & sayid?
frank?! frank is the pilot of the one plane flying over the right coordinates?!
what happened to aaron, and why did kate decide to go back?
what's with hurley's guitar?
was it charlie's ghost who got him on the plane and did he ask for the guitar?
when did jin become a member of the dharma initiative?
why did eloise hawking not look surprised when desmond told her about her son?
will the light flashes/time changes stop on the island now?
will john come back to life or will jack see his ghost walking the island in his dad's shoes?
what shoes will jack's dad's ghost now wear on the island?
is there some sort of significance to christian's black and white shoes?



i may be a tad obsessed...

new questions

i've been thinking a good deal lately about why it is that at this time of year, we feel the need to change or improve our lives more than the other 51 weeks of the year. why do we need to wait until it's time to buy a new calendar before we are motivated to make the changes that we know all year long we need to make?

the thing that i keep coming back to is that we humans have a never-ending need for new beginnings. the possibility that we can start again, and maybe this time not mess something up. that maybe the next time we try, we'll do better, go farther, be stronger. i know that i have an unquenchable thirst to try again, especially on those days/weeks/years when i feel like all i have done is fail, fall down &/or disappoint.

2008 has definitely not been one of my favorite years. the month of january started off difficult, and ended with mom finding a lump in her breast...and in many ways, it went downhill from there. there were some great moments and occasions as well, but i know that in so many ways, i could have handled the year with more trust, obedience and grace than i did. i've seldom been so happy to see a year end.

but the reality is, that unless i do something about it, 2009 will be much the same. there will be struggles and pain ahead...there always is. Jesus didn't sugarcoat a life of discipleship, he said it would be hard...but that we would not be alone as we walk through it.

i love lamentations 3:19-26,

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

God's mercy and compassion are new every morning. and ever year, thankfully.

i found these ten questions on Pink Haired Girl's blog yesterday, and am working through them in an effort to be a better disciple this year. they're not the easiest of questions to answer, and even less easy to act on, but, in my estimation, staying the same is not an option.

1. what is one thing you could do this year to increase your enjoyment of God?
2. what is the most humanly impossible thing you will ask God to do this year?
3. what is the single most important thing you could do to improve the quality of your family life this year?
4. in which spiritual discipline do you most want to make progress this year, and what will you do about it?
5. what is the single biggest time-waster in your life, and what will you do about it this year?
6. what is the most helpful new way you could strengthen your church?
7. for whose salvation will you pray most fervently this year?
8. what’s the most important way you will, by God’s grace, try to make this year different from last year?
9. what one thing could you do to improve your prayer life this year?
10. what single thing that you plan to do this year will matter most in ten years? In eternity?

why?

at small group last night we were talking about why it is so difficult to actually pick up and read our Bibles with any kind of regularity. and when the question, 'why is this so difficult' was posed, there really wasn't an answer that emerged.

this has left me with somewhat of a 'splinter in my mind' {the matrix}, while not quite driving me mad, it is causing me to wonder exactly why it is that it is so difficult to be consistent. seriously, it's not like we are hopeless people who don't hold down jobs, pay our bills, have relationships, and do what we need to to be part of our world. and we all believe that reading God's word and prayer are vital to being the people we are called to be.

so, the question remains, why?

while not discounting the spiritual {"we fight not against flesh and blood..."}, i well know that far too often the biggest obstacle to my own spiritual growth is me. degrees of laziness and procrastination. other things perceived as more exciting to read or watch. an overcrowded schedule and perpetual tiredness. the list goes on...

it's easier to look for a solution when you fully understand the problem...which is probably why this is still bothering me. in the past year i've taken different steps... buying the books of the Bible, embracing different spiritual disciplines, etc., and while these have changed, and continue to refine me, this question still remains.

why do you think these things are so difficult?
what do you do to 'keep the romance alive' in your relationship with God?