expectations

after so very many years on this planet, you would think that i would have learned that a vast majority of all the disappointments i have had in life have been because reality neither matched nor exceeded the expectations that i held.

why am i surprised by this?

i have a good imagination. so many nights as a child waiting to fall asleep, instead of counting sheep—which i never saw the merits of— i would concoct marvelous stories in my head where i would be the heroine and not only save the world of monsters, aliens and all sorts of evil, but look very stylish doing it. {yes, even as a child, saving the world was equally as important as having good hair}. and when you add to this imagination, the unlimited resources of a rich dream life, well, anything is possible.

everyday-variety real life scarcely has a chance to compare.

"Expectations kill relationships." Ann Voskamp quotes her mother in her beautiful book, One Thousand Gifts. since reading it, this sentence has stuck in my head for days, slowly bring my world of unrealistic expectations versus everyday life reality to the forefront of my mind.

Expectations kill relationships.

there are so many situations flooding my mind where unmet expectations—both on my part and that of others—has strained, bruised and even ended relationships.

including my relationship with God.

how many times have i asked for something, already believing that it should be mine?

how often in the dark of night, illuminated only by the blue haze of the alarm clock, have i rehearsed all the things that i should have?

not to mention those times when it almost seems like i am fighting God to try to get my heart's desire, Him being the proverbial bad guy, one hand holding my dreams away, the other hand holding my head at a arms length as my own arms flair to reach what is not rightfully mine?

this morning in my Life Journal reading, Mark wrote about Jesus' disciples trying to keep children away from Him, so as not to bother him. but Jesus wanted the children near Him. perhaps because of the fun they bring. maybe their laughter. but perhaps, it was because they came to Him without expectations. they didn't want anything from Him, they were just there.

a part of me wonders that if in their lack of expectation, in their innocence, with wonder still fully intact, if those children saw more of a glimpse of the God part of Jesus than all the adults standing around, eyes clouded with expectations of what this teacher could do for them, ever could have.

this child-like, expectation-less, wonder-filled way is the how i want to live my life.

the day after love

it's february 15. the day after love.

the day when those of us who are serially single can peek our heads up over the blankets to see if all those naked babies shooting arrows have finally returned to wherever they live the other 364 days of the year.

the day when all that prettily wrapped pink and red candy is half-price at Walmart, and the truly frugal are out doing next year's gift shopping.

the day after.

{insert collective sigh of relief here}

i used to be extremely jaded when it came to Valentine's Day. i used to be the one saying that it was a Hallmark-driven excuse of a 'holiday' that only served to make some people a lot of money, while separating the rest of us from ours. after all, who really believes that roses actually cost more on february 14 than they do on march 14? seriously?!

but these days i have found my peace with this day of love, and it has everything to do with the remarkable people in my life. sure, there may not be that one special guy, but there are no shortage of friends in my landscape.

...friends who i find it difficult to differentiate them from family.

...friends who i haven't seen in years, yet still can laugh and talk like the long separation was but days.

...friends who i go out to lunch with every monday, who have been mistaken for my sisters.

...friends who talk and laugh and cry together over steamy cups at Starbucks, working through life, faith and everything else.

so, regardless what all the marketing says about February 14, my life is so full of love, how could i feel anything but blessed and extraordinarily cherished?

"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved."
       —Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

small-minded

i caught wind of this story on the Today Show last week, about two sisters, 83 and 87 years old, one of whom is suing the other over a $500,000 lottery win.

it seems that at one point, given their collective passion for gambling and all things lottery, they had an agreement to split all winnings. then there was a falling out {they don't even remember the cause} in 2004, and they haven't spoken since.

until one of the sisters bought a lottery ticket with their brother, and they won $500,000. now, the ousted sister wants her share.

she doesn't want to come to Easter dinner, but she wants her money.

"I miss her so much, and I love her, and I don't like what's taken place," Sokaitis said. "But all I want is what is rightfully mine. All I want is my share, nothing more."

* * * * *

i shake my head and wonder at the ridiculousness of this. how could you get so far into life, and have money be more important than a sibling?!

but as my head stops shaking, there is a little voice inside my head pointing out all the petty, insignificant things that i tend to put in front of my relationships.

        unforgiveness for a careless word spoken in my direction.
        a favor unreturned.
        hurt feelings.
        unreal expectations.

and while suing others would be absurd, i tend to withhold kindness, friendship, words...making me no worse than these two sisters— no, worse than them, because i have already judged them ridiculous for their pettiness, while standing in a cesspool of my own small-mindedness.

much as i laughed initially, i find myself thankful for this story, and for the spotlight it has shown into the darkness of my own soul.