doubt + faith {#159-177}

Dubito ergo cogito; cogito ergo sum.

(I doubt, therefore I think; I think, therefore I am.)

—Rene Descartes

I've known the second half of this quote forever. I think, therefore I am. Even quoted it in some of my more 'existential' moments. But only last week, when I was working on collecting quotes about doubt for work, did I discover that it was only half of the equation. That I was missing the first part.

The part about doubt.

Doubt isn't something I tend to think a lot about, until it is staring me in the face. It's one of those things that creeps up on you. If you're anything like me, you might even be able to convince yourself for a period of time that what you're feeling really isn't doubt, but something more a bit prettier... skepticism, perhaps.

But then comes the moment when you wake up in the middle of the night, and the thing sitting on the edge of your bed is none other than doubt himself, and he has no plans to let you go back to sleep.

Recently, I told my small group that my favorite person in the Bible is the father in Mark chapter 9 who brought his son to be healed of an unclean spirit by the disciples. But the disciples were unable to cast the spirit out. Jesus, after the father explained the situation to him, tells the father that anything is possible for the person who believes.

The father's response is one I have echoed in my heart so very many times, especially in the last six months:

I believe; help my unbelief! {vs. 24}

Too often, I forget that we humans are bundles of paradoxes. That we are capable of multiple and contrary things simultaneously. This father's desperate words on behalf of his son reminds me that the mixture of emotions that runs through me is perfectly normal. And this prayer has become one of my most frequent.

Sometimes I get lost in the intersection of knowing that my omnipotent God can do everything and anything, but just because He can doesn't mean that He will. Just because He is limitless, it doesn't mean that my desired, preferred, suzi-approved solution will be the one that God in His infinite and perfect wisdom will choose... especially given that my wisdom tends to be more of the selfish and human variety.

Is this doubt? Sometimes I think so, sometimes not. Most days, I think it is just the oh-so-slippery surface of faith.

“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;
we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

—C.S. Lewis

But even in the midst of all that is, and all that could be, there are bright spots. Gifts from God that shine through all the stuff that I would rather forget, illuminating them in a way that I don't believe I would have ever seen them.

It is these gifts that I continue to count today...

159:: a new hair color & the absence of gray!

160:: a quiet, restful day on the sofa to nurse a cold.

161:: that even after days of not writing down the gifts, they are still there, waiting for me to notice them.

162:: a plane ticket to Calgary, and a chance to hang out with my favorite little people for a whole week in June!

163:: closing my office door behind me at the end of a long week, knowing I worked well, and everything is ready for Sunday.

164:: that no matter what happens—or doesn't happen—God is love.

165:: that I was born in a free country, into a family that loved and protected me.

166:: for my mom.

167:: the fact that you don't have to be a biological parent to make spiritual investments into the next generation.

168:: laughter at work.

169:: a quiet, peaceful morning.

170:: for a niece and nephews that I couldn't love more if I had given birth to them myself.

171:: that doubts are not fatal.

172:: friends who seek me out to pray with me when my heart is breaking.

173:: the perfect cafe Americano.

174:: that after the tickle-torture part of the pedicure, the massage part comes.

175:: khaki-colored toe nails.

176:: the knowledge of eternity, and how things here are hardly the end.

177:: that doubt and faith can co-exist, and that faith can win.

Guardians of the Soul {#158}

Confession: I set my alarm clock, got up early, and watched the royal wedding on Friday.

The way I saw it, having 'attended' Prince William's mother's wedding in the same manor 30 years ago, I felt it only right that this sparse, although long-standing tradition be continued.

The one thing that most struck me, in the deluge of information that came at the world through the lens of the media, was a photo released on Wednesday, of Kate and her sister/main of honor Pippa leaving their home, and driving to London for the big day. Photos captured them smiling, looking comfortable in each other's company, as they headed towards all that lay ahead.

When I saw those photos, I started to feel sad for the late Princess Diana. Thirty years ago, the hours preceding her wedding weren't filled with laughter with a friend. She had no equal in age as her maid of honor, just a bunch of children as bridesmaids. A friend, who is an avid royal watcher, told me that in the 24 hours before the 1981 wedding, Diana was alone at Clarence House, her last meal as a single woman was served to her on a tray by a maid. She didn't even receive a phone call from her soon-to-be groom.

You can think all you want—or don't want—about Britain's royal family, but no matter how you feel about them, I cannot imagine anyone thinking that this was a good way to begin what was supposed to be a happy, fairytale-ish, new life.

All these thoughts came the same day as Life Journal reflections about David and Jonathan's friendship. It all started with these words of David in a Psalm...

Look to the right and see:
there is no one who takes notice of me;
no refuge remains to me;
no one cares for my soul.

—Psalm 142:4

You can feel the pain in David's words. While I am not sure of the timing, either David would be missing his friend Jonathan because of Saul's madness, or Jonathan's own death. Either way, how David's heart must have ached for the friend of whom he said in 2 Samuel 1:28b (ESV), "your love to me was extraordinary". It was clear that even among all the mighty men that David was surrounded by, he did not find Jonathan's equal.

It is easy to find others with things in common. It is also easy to believe that an actual friendship can be had with someone, even if you only ever see their face on a monitor. But a friend who 'cares for your soul'? This is a much more rare and beautiful gift.

The poet Rilke wrote,

I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other. —Rainer Maria

Basically, to care for each other's soul.

I am so blessed to have friends who care for my soul. From the friendship that celebrates its 20th anniversary this year, to those the have come into my life more recently, but are no less vital. Beautiful women of God who not only care for my soul, but allow me the privilege of caring for theirs as well.

Without a doubt, I know that the night before I marry my own prince—should that day ever arrive—I will not be alone, but will be surrounded by my beautiful friends and family, caring for my soul as always.

And if one of them wants to serve me dinner on a tray, I don't think I will object too strongly!

* * * * *

Although there is only one thing on today's list, it is a big one, and should encompass many more than one...

I am grateful for...

158:: the friends, the guardians of my soul, who so enrich my life, laugh with me, hold me together when life falls apart, and make my world a much better place.

spring things...

Threshold of Spring
—Rainer Maria Rilke, Uncollected Poems

Harshness gone. All at once caring spreads over
the naked gray of the meadows.
Tiny rivulets sing in different voices.
A softness, as if from everywhere,
is touching the earth.
Paths appear across the land and beckon.
Surprised once again you sense
its coming in the empty tree.

When it comes to poetry about the seasons, Spring is definitely the prom queen of the four. Poets seem to see Spring as the most mystical and magical of all the seasons, and I suppose it is for good reason. No other season has that beautiful, resurrection quality, where after the long, cold, dark months, Spring brings us back flowers and birdsong, convincing us that life will go on, that winter won't prevail forever... that even though it has felt like it, there is life after snow.

One of my very favorite spring things is going to St. Jacobs, both the farmer's market and the town with my small group... which is what we are doing tomorrow!



Whatever you find yourself doing, I hope you have a happy, happy weekend!

learning to be a good receiver...

Confession: I am not a good receiver.

When it comes to giving, I have no problem there at all. I love the giving part, especially when I know that someone really needs, or would really love what I am giving them. Love that.

But turn the tables, and I start to feel all awkward and prickly. Last week my mom asked me to give her a list of things I would like for my birthday. I understand her request, we do live pretty much on opposite sides of the country, and she doesn't have the ability to just stop by and see what is going on in my life. But putting together a list of things that I would like for someone else just seems so very uncomfortable. Like asking for something.

That being said, I do have a friend who tells me that my inability or unwillingness to ask for help is not good, and while it is uncomfortable to hear, I know she is right. Somewhere along the way I have equated independence with the need to do everything on my own, or I shouldn't do it at all. For someone who is part of a faith community, I am beginning to see the dangers and pitfalls in such an attitude.

Then yesterday, Henri Nouwen joined in on the discussion, in his book, Bread For The Journey...

Daring To Become Dependent
—Henri Nouwen, Bread for the Journey, April 4

When someone give us a watch but we never wear it, that watch is not really received. When someone offers us an idea but we do not respond to it, that idea is not truly received. When someone introduces us to a friend but we ignore him or her, that friend does not feel well received.

Receiving is an art. It means allowing the other to become part of our lives. It means daring to become dependent on the other. It asks for the inner freedom to say, "Without you I wouldn't be who I am." Receiving with the heart is, therefore, a gesture of humility and love. So many people have been deeply hurt because their gifts were not well received. Let us be good receivers.

So, I am in the process of learning how to be a good receiver.

What about you?
Are you a good receiver, or do you need to work on it like me?

grace & poetry

There are days when it is easier than others to be grateful.

Some days, I find that I cannot write my gratitude gifts down in my Field Notes booklet fast enough. Other days, it seems that the blank page taunts me.

What I have learned, however, is that the days when nothing comes easy, those are the days that I most need to be grateful, that I most need to remember the good.

This week, with the advent of great news {see #62-64}, there is much to be grateful for. One of those things is a little poetry book I've been reading that simply makes my heart happy. And it fits perfectly in with this day of giving thanks...

Psalm For The January Thaw, Part 2.
—Luci Shaw, Harvesting Fog, p. 14,15

Glory be to God for changes. For bulbs
breaking the darkness with their green beaks.
For moles and moths and velvet green moss
waiting to fill the driveway cracks. For the way
the sun pierces the window minutes earlier each day.
For earthquakes and tectonic plates—earth's bump
and grind—and new mountains pushing up
like teeth in a one-year-old. For melodrama—
lightning on the sky stage, and the burst of applause
that follows. Praise him for day and night, and light
switches by the door. For seasons, for cycles
and bicycles, for whales and waterspouts,
for watersheds and waterfalls and waking
and the letter W, for the waxing and waning
of weather so that we never get complacent. For all
the world, and for the way it twirls on its axis
like an exotic dancer. For the north pole and the
south pole and the equator and everything between.

More grace gifts... {#60-78}

60. friends who come and sit and laugh and eat chocolate cake with you when you are down.

61. finding the perfect pair of jeans—on sale!

62. a lunch time phone call that brought good brilliant news.

63. tumors on Jayden's spine, breastbone and skull are gone... and the two that remain are smaller!

64. bone regeneration in his little body—even during chemotherapy!

65. that God thinks about me. {Ps. 40:17}

66. getting to hear what God is saying to the people I work with every Wednesday.

67. planning a Welcome To Spring party.

68. turning the last page on a book that has been nothing but a blessing.

69. a comfortable, albeit messy home, to rest in when one is not feeling well.

70. english breakfast tea in a beautiful cup.

71. a full house at Starbucks that forced us to have coffee at the place we usually reserve for special occasions.

72. heating pad on cold days.

73. a hand massage.

74. the trilogy that reminds us that no matter how much bad happens, good will win in the end.

75. beginning a book I have long wanted to read.

76. herbes de Provence olive oil.

77. peanut butter and homemade strawberry jam on toast.

78. the friend whose birthday it is today. {happy, happy day, Merrilee!}

community in a pizza box

given my lack of cable TV, the fact that i think Matt Lauer is pretty, and the day doesn't feel like it can begin until i hear the opening music of the Today Show, every weekday morning, i download the previous day's podcast, and watch the Today Show from the day before.

i guess, more accurately, i watch the Yesterday Show.

while it's not a perfect situation— i do get my news some 24 hours after the rest of the world— i make the best of it by figuring that at least i get the news... and to see Matt.

earlier this week {on a Matt-less episode}, i heard the story of the pizza delivery driver who noticed that one of their customers, an 82-year old woman who has ordered a pizza every day for three years, hadn't ordered anything for a few days. immediately the driver was concerned, clocked out of her job, and went to check on the woman.

when she got no response at the house, she called 911. paramedics found the woman lying on the floor, unable to contact anyone to help her.

now some might hear this and wonder why on earth this woman had been eating pizza every day for three years. that's a question for another day. what is sticking in my mind is that the pizza delivery person cared enough for someone on the periphery of her life, to put everything else on hold to find out what was going on.

which has lead me to a slew of questions i am asking myself... how soon would i notice if someone in my life dropped out of communication? are the people that God has given me to care about okay? how would i know if they weren't? and on and on...

it's easy to get caught up in my own daily problems. these days, there seems to be more than i can sanely handle as it is. but the amount of madness and activity in my own life does not let me off the hook when it comes to those in my community that God has given me to care about.

paying attention is harder than it sometimes seems it should be. paying attention means putting aside all that distracts me and focusing on something that needs attention. it means hearing stories that may be painful. it means not choosing to ignore, even when ignoring seems like all you can handle.

i will admit, in these past few months, i have had tunnel vision when it comes to my family, and not much beyond that has crept into view. but expecting all the tough situations to evaporate before i can give others my focus is highly unrealistic.

it's time for me to start paying attention again.

the day after love

it's february 15. the day after love.

the day when those of us who are serially single can peek our heads up over the blankets to see if all those naked babies shooting arrows have finally returned to wherever they live the other 364 days of the year.

the day when all that prettily wrapped pink and red candy is half-price at Walmart, and the truly frugal are out doing next year's gift shopping.

the day after.

{insert collective sigh of relief here}

i used to be extremely jaded when it came to Valentine's Day. i used to be the one saying that it was a Hallmark-driven excuse of a 'holiday' that only served to make some people a lot of money, while separating the rest of us from ours. after all, who really believes that roses actually cost more on february 14 than they do on march 14? seriously?!

but these days i have found my peace with this day of love, and it has everything to do with the remarkable people in my life. sure, there may not be that one special guy, but there are no shortage of friends in my landscape.

...friends who i find it difficult to differentiate them from family.

...friends who i haven't seen in years, yet still can laugh and talk like the long separation was but days.

...friends who i go out to lunch with every monday, who have been mistaken for my sisters.

...friends who talk and laugh and cry together over steamy cups at Starbucks, working through life, faith and everything else.

so, regardless what all the marketing says about February 14, my life is so full of love, how could i feel anything but blessed and extraordinarily cherished?

"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved."
       —Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

unique

i love my job.

today i got to email out to all of PORTICO's staff a new questionnaire for them to answer. ultimately, these answers will accompany their photo on the staff page of our website. it was such fun putting the questions together, but for me, the best part is when the answers come in.

getting to see the individual personalities come out in what are just a few short questions never ceases to amaze me, and always reminds me of how originally and uniquely God has created us all.

the problem is, i think i'm hooked now.

i'll make you a deal, i'll give you a sneak peek as to not only the questions, but also my answers, and maybe, if you're feeling brave or adventurous or you have nothing else to do, you could leave a comment with your answers to the questions, so i can keep the marveling going throughout the weekend.

what say you? here are my answers...

Farthest you’ve ever been from home: D’nepropetrovsk, Ukraine
Eye color: Blue, grey or green, depending on the day
Beach, country or city? City
Favorite cereal: Coco Krispies
Favorite crayon color: Cerulean Frost
Favorite dessert: Crème brûlée
Favorite book: The Book Thief, by Markus Zusak
If you could travel right now, where would you go? Paris, France {via Calgary & NYC}
If you were a super hero, what super power would you have? Omni-linguism {the ability to understand any form of language}

your turn...

wasted

you know that tiny, nagging feeling that you get when something isn't exactly right? and try as you might, you cannot name the unrightness that you're feeling... it is hiding around some corner just beyond reach of your brain. finally, this morning i have been able to put a name to what has been haunting me.

my life is filled with people. those i work with, the ones i see at church on sunday, my small group on monday night, the baristas at starbucks, and everywhere in between. people of all walks of life with some of the most amazing stories you could imagine. some have faced loss that would have crippled someone else. some looking into the face of an illness or huge life obstacle, but who have still maintained the love and grace that would cause an outsider to believe nothing could be wrong in their lives.

fascinating, amazing people.

and yet, what i have noticed lately is a growing trend that when two or more people are talking, the most animated discussion tends to be about television, movies or some kind of celebrity faux pas. our most passionate discussions tend to be about people who don't exist... or who don't exist in our world.

the most disturbing part of this trend, to me, is that it is equally the same everywhere, from in line at starbucks, to the water cooler at work, to talk in the foyer after/before worship services on sunday morning. the question of the day seems to have migrated from, 'how are you?' to 'what did you watch?'

people are more than they-- or we-- watch on TV.

when our most passionate and animated conversations happen about Grey's Anatomy, LOST or SYTYCD, what is left for the actual people standing before us? if we use up our best brain power, our best social graces, our best words of praise for what is on a screen, what do we have to offer those who need us to grieve or rejoice or laugh with them? the real people.

what is there left when all our emotions are wasted on what doesn't really exist?

* * * * *

so, my friends, i'll ask you as i'm asking myself:
who are the most important people in your life?
do they know it?
does the rest of the world know it?

splendid palace

a couple of weeks ago, while visiting friends in detroit, we had the pleasure of visiting the Detroit Institute of Arts, a place that i have not visited in close to 20 years. i've always been an easy sell when it comes to art galleries. to have the ability to experience the creativity and imagination of people who have been dead for longer than i've been alive always fills me the best sense of anticipation.

walking in, the first thing i saw was this quote on the wall:

how enchanting to walk about...among those splendid palaces, those churches, those marble & bronze [statues]...

~Guiseppe Baretti, 1766

...and it only got better from there.

my favorite artist, Vincent van Gogh's Bank of the Oise at Auvers.
i always feel a bit more human simply being in his presence...

George Seurat's Le Crotoy Upstream.
pointillism never ceases to amaze me...

art on ceilings is always impressive...

life imitating art.

the DIA's front entrance.

wrought iron & unusual, ornate windows...
two of my favorite things.

this so reminded me of something you'd see in the Louvre...

...and this reminded me of the fountain Tom Hanks built in The Terminal.

i probably took 20 shots of this beautiful sculpture.
it was so perfectly suspended in the light...

i really do love ornate windows...

drops

it's friday, and it's raining. today as i sat at my desk, i could look beyond the monitor, and see the rain hit the new parking lot in waves. as long as i'm indoors, i like it when it's windy as it rains. it's almost as if the drops take on combined form... no longer simple, individual drops just falling towards the earth. banded together, they are a force to be reckoned with.

we humans are much the same. left on our own, it's too easy to simply fall into a pattern of existing, simply falling towards our eventual destination. unchecked, we can allow habits and patterns into our lives that will never allow us reach our goals. we can waste untold hours sitting in front of a computer or a television or a movie screen. we can miss hearing, or sharing, words of encouragement and love that could provide much-needed sustinance.

left alone, it is hard to be the people we are called to be.

for this reason, i am so grateful for the friends and family who regularly encourage me, share their lives, laugh with me, and even occasionally kick my butt when i need it.

without you all, i am fairly certain that i wouldn't even like me!

The Visitor

it may be a bit early in the year, but after tonight, i am fairly certain that i've found my favorite movie of 2009*.

erynne, alicia & i had wanted to watch rachel getting married, as an oscar weekend version of our semi-regular movie nights. but, alas, it was not out yet, so we had to go with something else. 'something else' turned out to be the visitor, a movie i had heard about first from a kindling's muse podcast from 2008's sundance festival, so, since nothing else especially appealed, we went with that.

in my estimation, it was brilliance. it was a perfect reminder that regardless of our current situation, if we are open and willing, there are connections and community to be found, even in the most unlikely of places. a simple common interest can be the beginning of a friendship that could change your life forever, if you are open and paying attention.

we all need reminders like the visitor. we need to remember to keep our eyes open.

*viewed in 2009

an evening in paris

tonight my good friend alicia and i went to a cooking class at a local grocery store. the title of the class was an evening in paris. how could we refuse such a title? we arrived at 7pm and listened as our chef, kelly hughes, laid out an overview of the evening.


first up was the salad, frisee aux lardons. now, i like salad. but to be honest, i didn't have a great deal of hope given what the promo had said about the salad... but wow, was i wrong. the salad was, perhaps because i had such low expectations, the best part of the meal for me!



next was my very favorite thing to eat when i am actually in paris, steak frites. the chef had some great tips about tying the meat (so oddly shaped pieces look the same as the rest), and pan searing. also, she showed us how to make a tarragon aioli to go with the dish. i had absolutely no idea that making mayonnaise could be so easy! and the piece de resistence of any dish with the word 'frites' in it, the hand cut, glorious french fries. i cannot tell you how good the whole thing was. both alicia and i were full before we were done, but, fortunately, we soldiered on, and none of this delicious food went to waste!


for dessert, my favorite indulgence of all time, creme brulee. there was a problem with the temperature of the oven, and so it wasn't as good as one may have hoped, but seriously, bad creme brulee is better than no creme brulee!

i took pictures of both of our creme brulees, and there were some very distinct markings on the tops of each of ours. we wondered if perhaps the 'brulee' part was a bit like reading tea leaves, and whatever design shows up in your burnt sugar would have some sort of meaning.


alicia's creme brulee clearly looks like the letter 'Z', which i think means that she has sleep in her future. at first i thought that mine looked like a happy face, but upon closer inspection, it looks like mine is a pair of shoes! o happy day!

all in all, it was a very fun evening with a good friend. thanx for the idea and for sharing this with me, alicia! let's go to paris again soon...

good question

last week i went on a road trip with some of my fellow church staff to the catalyst one day conference in granger, indiana. it was a great conference, and i am still sorting out the things that craig groeschel and andy stanley taught, and i think i probably will be for a while.

one of my highlights of the trip was the conversation we had in the van on the way there. we covered a boatload of topics, and i cannot even begin to expand on it, simply suffice it to say that it was completely remarkable.

the thing that stands out in my mind, however, was a question that owen black asked me as we drove through my old stomping grounds of windsor, ontario. since my family moved to alberta, i haven't been back to windsor in probably five or more years, so seeing a place that was at one time so familiar, and now so different, was slightly dali-esque. as we drove down huron line, owen asked me,

if someone offered to drop me off anywhere in the city to do whatever i wanted for however long, where would that place be?

of course i had an answer immediately {my friend deb's house... i truly believe that a couple hours in her kitchen talking and drinking coffee with her would be more therapeutic than a week of vacation!}, but what struck me was what a great question it was. and how often in life we get asked really great questions whose answers reveal part of us to others and ourselves... but also, more importantly, how infrequently i ask really great questions, to get to know those in my life better.

thank you, owen. you have helped me see how much more deliberate i need to be in all my relationships. i owe you one!