somewhere else

tonight, on my walk home, i happened to look up and see a happy plane*. as it banked left and headed off into a perfectly indigo sky, i felt the familiar longing that i was on that plane. but tonight was different. tonight there was no specific destination in mind. it wasn't paris, calgary, new york or even kiev, even though i was supposed to be headed there tonight.

tonight, i just want to be somewhere else.

*see thursday, oct 4's post, 'a theory'

live everything...

for our small group, we are doing a Bible study on the book of Job. in a literary sense, Job is my most favorite book of the Bible for so many reasons. but, for as many times as i've read the book, going slowly through it (it took seven days to go through chapter one!) is adding a whole new dimension...and i'm ending up with more questions than answers.

which isn't a bad thing, as long as i don't simply let the questions sit there and not do anything with them. but it's a good thing, because having been a follower of Christ for over thirty years (yikes!), it's easy to get into a mindset where i think i've gotten God figured out. between this, and philip yancey's book on prayer, i am reminded that in essence, all i think i know is mostly shadow.

i am reminded once again of Rilke's words, which i've quoted here before, but for my own remembrance i will do so again:

“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves ... Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point it, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps, then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

there is so much unresolved in my heart that sometimes i feel like it will burst, and my tendency is to rush to have it all figured out, so i can have a sense of completion. but i think in regards to a human soul, there is no real sense of completion that can be accomplished on this side of eternity. perhaps there is a reason why every day we start new, to remind us that no matter how far we go in life, we always have to start over again the next day. i cannot eat tomorrow's food today. i cannot carry today's discipline over to tomorrow, i need to be disciplined again tomorrow. tomorrow morning i will have a choice at 5am if i will get up to write, or if i will turn over & go back to sleep. i will have a choice to love or to be selfish. i will start all over again tomorrow.

my questions don't shake me as they used to when i was younger. what shakes me are those times of reflection when i cannot see any growth; times when i look more like the world than i do like Jesus. it is those times when i sometimes wonder if real change is possible. then, i can look back into my journals & see the journey i have come from and am reminded that i am not the same girl typing these words that i used to be, and the only reason for that is the grace & love of God. and this realization gives me hope for tomorrow...that the same God who brought me here will continue with me through my life.

regardless of the questions i am living.