waiting...

I don't think there is anything in life that actually prepares you for one of the children in your life to be sick. That being said, I think my brother and sister-in-law are handling Jayden's illness, and the roller coaster of emotion and information as well as anyone ever could.

The waiting, however, is the part I could do without.

Loralie, my sister-in-law wrote a great post on Jayden's CaringBridge website about patience. She sums the virtue up brilliantly.

And while I wholeheartedly agree, there are times in life when I wish the road of faith wasn't so darn slippery, shifting, unpredictable and unknown. But, I suppose, that would like wanting water to not be wet.

Apparently wishes do not need to be rooted in reality.

I read this poem/prayer from Walter Brueggemann's brilliant book, Prayers For A Privileged People last week, and knew that there would be a time when I would need it. Today is that day.

Waiting and Longing
—Walter Brueggemann, Prayers For A Privileged People

God of the seasons,
God of the years,
God of the eons,
    Alpha and Omega,
    before us and after us.

You promise and we wait:
                          We wait with eager longing,
                          we wait amid doubt and anxiety,
                          we wait with patience thin
                                                and then doubt,
                                                and then we take life into our
                                                                            own hands.

We wait because you are the one and the only one.
We wait for your peace and your mercy,
    for your justice and your good rule.

Give us your spirit that we may wait
    obediently and with discernment,
    caringly and without passivity,
    trustingly and without cynicism,
    honestly and without utopianism.

Grant that our wait may be appropriate to your coming
        soon and very soon,
        soon and not late,
        late but not too late.

We wait while the world groans in eager longing.

Guardians of the Soul {#158}

Confession: I set my alarm clock, got up early, and watched the royal wedding on Friday.

The way I saw it, having 'attended' Prince William's mother's wedding in the same manor 30 years ago, I felt it only right that this sparse, although long-standing tradition be continued.

The one thing that most struck me, in the deluge of information that came at the world through the lens of the media, was a photo released on Wednesday, of Kate and her sister/main of honor Pippa leaving their home, and driving to London for the big day. Photos captured them smiling, looking comfortable in each other's company, as they headed towards all that lay ahead.

When I saw those photos, I started to feel sad for the late Princess Diana. Thirty years ago, the hours preceding her wedding weren't filled with laughter with a friend. She had no equal in age as her maid of honor, just a bunch of children as bridesmaids. A friend, who is an avid royal watcher, told me that in the 24 hours before the 1981 wedding, Diana was alone at Clarence House, her last meal as a single woman was served to her on a tray by a maid. She didn't even receive a phone call from her soon-to-be groom.

You can think all you want—or don't want—about Britain's royal family, but no matter how you feel about them, I cannot imagine anyone thinking that this was a good way to begin what was supposed to be a happy, fairytale-ish, new life.

All these thoughts came the same day as Life Journal reflections about David and Jonathan's friendship. It all started with these words of David in a Psalm...

Look to the right and see:
there is no one who takes notice of me;
no refuge remains to me;
no one cares for my soul.

—Psalm 142:4

You can feel the pain in David's words. While I am not sure of the timing, either David would be missing his friend Jonathan because of Saul's madness, or Jonathan's own death. Either way, how David's heart must have ached for the friend of whom he said in 2 Samuel 1:28b (ESV), "your love to me was extraordinary". It was clear that even among all the mighty men that David was surrounded by, he did not find Jonathan's equal.

It is easy to find others with things in common. It is also easy to believe that an actual friendship can be had with someone, even if you only ever see their face on a monitor. But a friend who 'cares for your soul'? This is a much more rare and beautiful gift.

The poet Rilke wrote,

I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other. —Rainer Maria

Basically, to care for each other's soul.

I am so blessed to have friends who care for my soul. From the friendship that celebrates its 20th anniversary this year, to those the have come into my life more recently, but are no less vital. Beautiful women of God who not only care for my soul, but allow me the privilege of caring for theirs as well.

Without a doubt, I know that the night before I marry my own prince—should that day ever arrive—I will not be alone, but will be surrounded by my beautiful friends and family, caring for my soul as always.

And if one of them wants to serve me dinner on a tray, I don't think I will object too strongly!

* * * * *

Although there is only one thing on today's list, it is a big one, and should encompass many more than one...

I am grateful for...

158:: the friends, the guardians of my soul, who so enrich my life, laugh with me, hold me together when life falls apart, and make my world a much better place.

the gift that is laughter {#135-157}

If you've never heard me rave about my niece and nephews, only one thing can be true: we haven't met.

Having never been married, and therefore never had children of my own, my heart is made complete by the fact that my brothers have had the most perfect children in the world in the form of the one girl and six—almost seven—boys that they have brought into our family. Since my family all lives out in the wild and wintery west, there isn't much that could begin to tempt me to move my big city life in that direction, but when my oldest nephew Nicky asks me when I am going to come to visit him, it's hard to not drop everything and run for the suitcase.

One of the greatest things about my family is that we laugh. Not any polite, gentle kind of laughter, but the kind of laughter that makes both your throat and stomach hurt afterward. The kind that involves snorting. And milk flying from noses. The good kind.

Recently my sister-in-law, Loralie, has posted some conversations she and my brother have had with the kids, the two boys in particular, on Facebook, that have left me smiling, and just plain laughing out loud. Especially the last one, which I may have peed just a little when I read it the first time. {My poor niece Megan seems to have gotten caught in the cross-fire here, but being the only girl in a family riddled with boys is something that I understand only too well, and I know it will only make her stronger in the end :-) }

What an amazing gift it is that laughter can be passed down through the generations...

Jayden: Daddy can I have more whip cream?

Dad: Just hold on a second. 

Jayden: Daddy can I have more whip cream?

Dad: I'll get it in a second...just wait please.
Jayden: Daddy can I have more whip cream?

Dad: Jayden. I said you needed to wait! Please stop asking.

Jayden: I wasn't asking. I was just singing...."Dad-dy can you pleeease get meeee more whip creeeeeam" (in a singing voice)

* * * * *

Jayden: "I think God is talking to Megan."
Lor: "What is he saying?"

Jayden: "Beeeeeee patient"
Lor: (laughing) "Yes Jayden. I think you are right!"

* * * * *


This conversation happened during Nicky's math while Lor was explaining how every set in math is a group of shapes with the same attribute.
Lor: You, Daddy and Jayden could be a set. What attribute do you all have the same?

Nicky: We all have brown eyes.

Lor: Right! Megan and I could be in the same set too. Why?

Nicky: Because you both have anger issues.*

* in defense of my sister-in-law and niece, neither of them actually have anger issues!

* * * * * * * * * *

So grateful for...

135:: being wished a happy birthday eve.

136:: the knowledge that even receiving potential bad news about the unborn nephew doesn't change God's character; He is still love, He still deals in the miraculous, He is not limited by human wisdom or imagination; He can still do the impossible; He still heals.

137:: an early morning phone call to wish me a happy birthday.

138:: all the many phone calls, texts, Facebook messages and Tweets that made me smile and feel loved.

139:: phone call from my oldest brother.

140:: messages from baby brother and sister-in-law.

141:: the friend who sang over and over again!

142:: the friends who took me to Panera for lunch.

143:: the friend who made me laugh at the number I wasn't even able to say!

144:: chocolate cupcakes hanging on my door handle when I got home.

145:: the gift that reminds me that I am loved. {thanks Mom & Dad!}
146:: clean, lavender-smelling sheets as I lay down to sleep and dream of the beautiful day that it was.

147:: a late-night phone call from the brother, the niece and nephew; Nicky asking me when I was going to come visit him.

148:: that I serve a God who sees me. {Psalm 31:7}

149:: the simple fact that the God who never should have died, faced death, so that we—for whom death was inevitable—wouldn't have to.

150:: waking up early on a day when you don't have to.

151:: rooibos provence tea during Life Journal time.

152:: the privilege of being able to use my gifts in a worship service.

153:: for the lessons only silence can teach.

154:: holiday lunches with good friends.

155:: having a weekend where someone else—actually the same person!—cooked for me twice! {thanks, friend}

156:: having a friend that you can always count on to laugh with you.

157:: that the sense of humor can be passed down through the generations...

Silent Saturday

sandwiched between the Day that is Good
and the Day that is Holy
is the one that is Silent

how did Jesus' disciples spend
this Silent Saturday?

did they wonder what they could have done?
should have done?
did they remember Jesus' words differently
in this new darkness?
did they remember His words of hope
or did the grief obscure what should have
made their hearts expectant?

should they have
        spoken up?
        fought off soldiers?
        stuck beside Him all the way?
        taken Judas out long ago?

Judas—
did they blame him more than they should have
because blaming themselves hurt too much?

what does one do on a day
when Light has died
when Life has died
and you don't have the expectation
or the hope
that He will rise tomorrow?

you wait.
you try to remember all the things
that you saw and heard when the Light shone brightly
some vital instruction
something that will help make sense
of the senseless

for those of us
on the other side of Easter
it is easy to overlook this day
this silence
this day after

because we know
it is also the day before

        before the stone is rolled away
        before hope rises
        before an empty tomb
        before a walk with a Stranger

but the Disciples did not
they were living it
in brutally real time

this makes me wonder...
all the things that today
cause us to despair
have strained our hope
turn our stomachs into knots of string
just by thinking about them
        sickness
        loneliness
        cancer
        injustice
        war
        death

i wonder
if we knew that Jesus would rise in
        our despair
        our hopelessness
tomorrow
what we would do with today?

the glory days are returning...

All that is gold does not glitter,
not all those who wander are lost;
the old that is strong does not wither,
deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
a light from the shadows shall spring;
renenwed shall be blade that was broken,
the crownless again shall be king.

—J.R.R. Tolkien

Remember those three glorious Christmas seasons, when on one beautiful day, a week or two before the holiday you stood in line at a movie theater for a ridiculously long period of time, after getting there earlier that day to actually purchase tickets for yourself and ten or twenty of your closest friends, to ensure that the moment you had been waiting for, in some cases for about 365 days, was actually going to happen?

I do. Those three years when the December release date rolled around and the new Lord Of The Rings movie finally arrived in our eager and expectant lives were glorious, and even to this day, every time I turn the November page on the calendar, I feel a pang of sadness that those glory days are over.

It's not to say that I don't still enjoy the movies. Since the movies were released on DVD, I have spent more than a few weekends with one foot firmly planted in Middle Earth. But there is something special about the first time you see a movie, even if you've already read the book. The mystery of seeing someone else's vision of what you've both read brought to life, how it compares to your own, and takes on a life of its own is a beautiful thing. Regrettably, you can only see something for the first time once. Unless, of course, you can arrange for a bout of amnesia, which, having never attempted it, I probably wouldn't recommend.

So, before you actually begin to consider self-induced amnesia, let me make your day by telling you that in 610 days, on December 19, 2012, the glory is returning...



If you haven't yet read The Hobbit, don't worry, you've got a bit of time.

Abundance {#119-134}

I laughed this morning.

Sitting by myself at the kitchen table, doing my Life Journal, I laughed as I read God's word.

It all began years ago...

More than a few years ago, while attending the Leadership Summit, I was privileged to hear Tim Sanders speak on the topic of scarcity vs. abundance. Scarcity being believing that there is not enough to go around, while Mr. Sanders defines the law of abundance as believing that there is always enough to go around.

I've been thinking about that session of the LS lately, since I have noticed that scarcity thinking has become more and more prevalent in my life... and it is not a good thing. This crept-in belief is slowly poisoning my outlook, from knowing that with Jesus, I have all that I truly need, to thinking that in order to be good, to be happy, I need more. Something else. And this scarcity thinking has me making bad decisions, rash decisions, and not being myself.

Back to today...

It began probably ten minutes earlier. After I got up and was gathering what I would need for the morning quiet time, I was thinking on this scarcity thing, and I thought to myself, "How does a person get beyond scarcity? What do I need to do to get myself out of this?"

I left the question hanging in the air as I opened my Bible for today's readings. When I got to Psalm 34, verse 9, that is when the laughter hit.

Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack! {vs. 9}

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

There, in black and white print was the answer to my question. And in case I may have doubted it, or thought it seemed a little too obscure, David, the Psalmist, went on...

The young lions suffer want and hunger;
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

Come, O children, listen to me;

I will teach you the fear of the Lord.

What man is there who desires life

and loves many days, that he may see good?

Keep your tongue from evil

and your lips from speaking deceit.

Turn away from evil and do good;

seek peace and pursue it.

Could my question have been answered any better had I had an actual audience with my God in His throne room?

Sure, the answer isn't easy, and I know that I have some work cut out for me—as I seek hard after God, pursue peace instead of more, and rid myself of the lies that I have been believing for too long—but how amazing is it that when we ask our questions, He hears them, and loves us enough to answer them, if only we pay attention?

* * * * *

Paying attention to the gifts...

119:: a serendipitous moment resulting in an online chat with a dearly missed friend in Africa.

120:: God's love, even when I feel unlovable.

121:: heart-shaped ice cubes.

122:: Mom wanting to fly across the country to be with me for my birthday... even if it didn't work out.

123:: my birthday present from Mom & Dad arriving six days early, and the anticipation of waiting to open it.
124:: pretty party favors hanging in my kitchen.

125:: an awesome job at a church I love.

126:: anticipating a visit from a dear friend.

127:: all the friends who ate and laughed and loved at my Welcome To Spring party. {Yummy cake courtesy of Lyndsay, who rocks!}

128:: receiving the cookbook that I have wanted practically FOREVER! {thank you, Ang!}

129:: birthday gifts: all perfect, every one of them.

130:: beginning the book that two friends have raved about.

131:: laying down to sleep with the echoes of laughter still hanging in the air, remembering all the beautiful moments of the evening.

132:: the reminder to love one another.

133:: a rainy day with one of my closest friends doing all the things that we love to do, talking and laughing through it all.

134:: that sometimes, when I ask a question, God answers right away.

{nothing}

There are some days that the words just won't come.

Maybe it is because I let the busyness of life win. Perhaps I simply have nothing to say...

...or maybe it is really because there are days when I fear what is inside, and somehow believe that if I let it out, these things I don't even know I want to set free will define me. judge me. find me wanting.

On these days, perhaps it is best to let someone else do the talking for me. Who better than Madeleine L'Engle?

I will have nothing to do with a God who cares only occasionally. I need a God who is with us always, everywhere, in the deepest depths as well as the highest heights. It is when things go wrong, when good things do not happen, when our prayers seem to have been lost, that God is most present. We do not need the sheltering wings when things go smoothly. We are closest to God in the darkness, stumbling along blindly. —Madeleine L'Engle

Where would I be without a full-time God?

I don't think I want to know.