there is so much that i just don't understand.

beginning with myself, and the less than intelligent choices that i make with alarming frequency... most of which have to do with the annoying discontentment that seems to shadow me, and in those moments when my guard is down, and i'm feeling much like my life is just so much the consolation prize version of the life i wanted, then the sub-intelligent choices seem to make so much more sense.

the reality is that the reasons for discontentment will always be around, and will always be numerous. there will always be some unrealized dream or goal, some piece of life that just doesn't fit the way i want it to...something. i cannot control any of these things, and freedom comes when i start to remember this.

the only thing i can control is my response. it's okay that my unrealized dreams break my heart, if the death of a dream doesn't break my heart, then i can't have wanted it that badly. but broken isn't bad, it's just a place to start again. Brennan Manning sums it up pretty well in the Ragamuffin Gospel when he says:

"to be alive is to be broken. and to be broken is to stand in need of grace. honesty keeps us in touch with our neediness and the truth that we are saved sinners. there is a beautiful transparency to honest disciples who never wear a false face and do not pretent to be anything but who they are."
may i live to be beautifully transparent.


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