tonight, i am tired

not the pretty, light kind of tired that falls asleep gently when the pillow surrounds your head. but a heavy, harsh, relentless kind of tired that does not bode well for sleep.

it seems as though i am constantly letting people down...that through all that is happening, i should be stronger, more able to keep juggling, be more patient, keep writing, keep hopeful, keep...on.

tonight, at small group, i was once again reminded that regardless of circumstances and glasses half empty or full, God is still God. he is unchanging, and though surrounded by a world that doesn't seem to know how to stay the same or be still for even a moment, this remains true. here is my solace. this is my peace.

so, i am shutting my computer off now, and will go lay my head on a pillow, and trust that sleep will come.

four movies & soundtrack

in the past seven days, i have seen more new movies than i probably have in the rest of this year. (okay, in reality, not so much, but it does seem like it.)  perhaps it is the quality of these movies, and one of their soundtracks, that makes them seem all the more impressive.

movie #1: august rush

soundtrack: august rush

i didn't see this at the theatre, as it seemed just a little to forumulaic and predictable, and while, in reality, it was formulaic and predictable, it was immensely enjoyable nonetheless, probably mostly due to its superb soundtrack (which, yes, alicia, i did purchase, as you predicted!) but there is something about the quality of cinematography (best use of natural & artificial light i have seen in a while), and the seemless weaving of music, almost as an inanimate lead character, that makes me glad i spent the time (instead of watching bride & prejudice for the umpteenth time...i just watched that classic later!)

movie #2: dan in real life

here is where i eat my first helping of crow. i'll say it...i have not been a fan of steve carell. i don't watch the office. and i will also admit that i did not see this movie earlier simply because of steve, himself. on my way to ukraine in march, this was the movie playing on the plane, and i chose to talk to the guy in the seat beside me over watching this movie. so, imagine my surprise when i actually LOVED this movie. juliet binoche, one of my favorite french actresses, edged out only by oscar-winning marion cotillard, was perfect. dane cook, not a personal favorite, was good, and, in spite of all my best and strongest preconceived notions, steve carell was amazing. it is a movie that i will watch again and again...and in reality, i've already watched it again!

movie #3: lars and the real girl

here is my biggest surprise. i had read all the excellent reviews. i knew that this was a brilliant movie going into it. perhaps it was the gushing review after gushing review monotony that disarmed me, and left me sitting on my sofa in tears, wondering when it stopped mattering that one of the lead 'characters' wasn't even a real person...only an adult-size plastic doll. that was when i realized the genius of this movie...i forgot she wasn't real. i forgot ryan gosling's character wasn't real. i forgot that i am at heart a city girl, and longed, for a brief moment, to live in a small northern town with so much community, that they would embrace this apparently crazy man and his not-so-real girlfriend. this could be one of my top ten movies...EVER.

movie #4: get smart

after so much drama, both in real life & on the screen, it was time to laugh. i faithfully watched don adams in the television show of the same name, and was a tiny bit fearful that the movie would not equal it. well, holy crap was i wrong! steve carell caught the perfect essence of his predecessor, without going too far...ann hathaway was a perfect agent 99. and i laughed so hard, there was actually a moment when i stopped breathing ([maxwel smart:] are you thinking what I'm thinking? [the chief]: I don't know. Were you thinking, "holy $#!^, holy $#!^, a sword fish almost went through my head"? if so, then yes.)  even now, sitting here in my home, i am laughing like an idiot thinking about it! perfect movie. i do need to go see it again, to pick up some of the many brilliant lines that i was too busy trying not to pee while laughing to remember.

well, there you have it. this week, i need to catch up on my reading...but i'm afraid my books have some work to do to live up to some of these movies!

arrogance...

i have found yet another rilke poem that has moved me. (why am i still surprised by this?) 

Dedication (Rainer Maria Rilke)

I have great faith in all things not yet spoken.
I want my deepest pious feelings freed.
What no one yet has dared to risk and warrant
will be for me a challenge I must meet.

If this presumptious seems, God, may I be forgiven.
For what I want to say to you is this:
my efforts shall be like a driving force,
quite without anger, without timidness
as little children show their love for you.

With these outflowing, river-like, with deltas
that spread like arms to reach the open sea,
with the recurrent tides that never cease
will I acknowledge you, will I proclaim you
as no one ever has before.

And if this should be arrogance, so let me
arrogant be to justify my prayer
that stands so serious and so alone
before your forehead, circled by the clouds. 

so much...there is just so much in here, the first stanza is so full of life, i could use it as a springboard to write for days. but what has struck me most tonight is in the second stanza, "my efforts shall be like a driving force/quite without anger, without timidness/as little children show their love for you."

when is the last time that i showed God my love for him as a child shows love?

last sunday, when mom & dad were here, after church, we went out for lunch with my friends lynn & kurt, and their two and a half year-old daughter liesl. while we were waiting for lunch, liesl was climbing all over me, hugging my head and the two of us were laughing our heads off. she didn't care that other people where watching. she didn't care that she might be too loud, and disturb the people at the next table. she didn't care that people were laughing (probably mostly at me, but you get the point). she didn't care.

sometimes we get so caught up in being 'grown ups', that we forget that we are God's children, and sometimes he just wants us to love and enjoy him; to follow the path he's put before us with so much abandon and passion; to get so caught up in showing God we love him, that we, like liesl, don't care what other people think.

this is who i want to be...

another friend

i admit that i LOVE alanis morissette's music, and her new album, flavors of entanglement is no exception to that rule. one of the things that i love about her, which has been evidenced in her music for years, is that she is on a journey, seeking 'something'. and flavors is no different.

one of her most compelling songs reminds me, lyrics-wise only, of alanis' brilliant, that i would be good. it is called incomplete, and these are some of the lyrics:

ever unfolding
ever expanding
ever adventurous
and torturous
and never done

one day i will speak freely
i'll be less afraid 
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art
one day i will be faith-filled
i'll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and home

i have been running so sweaty my whole life
urgent for a finish line
and I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

'the rapture of being forever incomplete'. it's eerie how much this song echoes my own experiences. and sprinkled throughout out the album are phrases that i have actually either said or wrote in recent days.

i think, that even given our differences, if we had the chance, we'd be friends.

why?

listening: alanis morrissette's flavors of entanglement
mental state: glass half empty

why is it that when you really don't think you can handle one more thing, that invariably someone walks up to you needing something?

why is it that you can spend your whole life wanting something, then when you get it, you wonder what the big deal was, and want nothing more than to go back to the way things were?

why do i spend so much time wishing for tomorrow when i am not doing all i can today?

why do i put off those things that i really need to do, that will enhance the tomorrows that i wish for?

why do i think that getting the questions that roam around inside my head out will actually free me of them?

room to shine through...

listening: P.S. i love you soundtrack

i seem to have learned quite a few lessons recently. it's odd how that even as 'grown ups' (gosh, i hate putting myself in that category!) we still go through growth spurts. in all reality, i hope these spurts never actually end.

as usual, there is a theme running through all my lessons...and the theme is that i still don't have it all together. saturday night, during a worship service, my prayer was that all the pieces of me that tend to run in every different direction possible would unite to worship my God in that moment. right then, i was reminded of rilke's words, '...i yearn to belong to something, to be contained/in an all-embracing mind that sees me as a single thing/i yearn to be held/in the great hands of your heart..."

sunday, the feelings of incompleteness continued, my life feeling like just so many bulky, grey rocks with no cohesion. then tonight, it all came back again. only this time, with a different perspective. instead of lamenting the areas of my life that are incomplete, rather than wishing or hoping them into 'done-ness', i have actually become grateful that it is in and through these holes, these cracks, that God can shine, fill and use me extraordinarily... a stark contrast to my desired 'completeness', which could only ever hope to be ordinary.

for someone who so abhors the ordinary, i waste far too much time desiring it.