The Reader {#280-282}

Last week, in the Year with Rilke, I came across this poem, and it resonated deeply within me...

The Reader
by Rainer Maria Rilke

Who has not known a child like this,
who sinks into a deeper level of his being,
undisturbed by the swift turning
of each brimming page?
Even his own mother might wonder
if it is really he who sits there
saturated with his shadow.
And we, can we know
how much of him
disappears, as he reluctantly looks up
with eyes that yield
to the ready-made world without complaint?

—New Poems

How often, as a child did I find myself lost in book, preferring the world encountered on the page to that which we called real life? How many times did I choose to ignore my brothers to read and play with my favorite characters in a book? And when there was no book to read, how often did I pick up pen and paper, writing my own stories, creating my own worlds to dance and play in?

I couldn't put a number on it if I tried.

If I could choose to leave one part of myself to my niece and nephews, it would be this love of the written word, this love of books. Nothing makes my heart happier than when one of my little people picks up a book, either on their own, or to ask someone to read to them.

* * * * *

Today I am thankful for...

280:: for parents who, while they didn't fully understand my desire to constantly have my nose in a book, let me spend countless hours doing this thing that I loved.

281:: for authors who sacrificed their time, energy and stories to bring my imagination to life and create for me the infinite and endless playground of imagination.

282:: for the Bible, the ultimate book, and love letter from God. If there was only ever to be one book, this would be the one.

Who holds my hand {#247-258}

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you.' {Isaiah 41:13}

There are times, when looking at certain situations in my life, that the overwhelming emotion is one of hopelessness.

A bad habit to overcome.

Situations well beyond my control.

Good changes that never seem to stick around for more than a few days.

Somehow, I get it into my head that if I only try harder, then it will all work out. That it will mean more if I can do it myself, and then bring it to God to show Him that He is right in loving me, because I am not a total failure.

And to make things worse, the harder I try, the bigger and grander failure and disappointment seems to be... and the more alone it all makes me feel.

And then I come across a verse like Isaiah 41:13, and am reminded that I was never supposed to go it alone. I once again remember Who it is who holds my hand, and when He whispers, 'Don't be afraid, I am here to help you', it is not a reprimand, but a reminder of truth. And that I was never meant to do it all on my own, but rather to walk with my God, who wants me to trust him.

I need to remember Who holds my hand...

* * * * *

Today I am thankful for...

247:: He who holds my hand.

248:: that Jayden's bedsore is healing!

249:: butternut squash pasta with butternut squash pasta sauce. pure yum...

250:: a brand new jar of sweet pickles.

251:: a super comfy Roots chair to take a Sunday afternoon nap in.

252:: my beautiful, beautiful niece, Megan.

253:: that there are only 74 days left until I get on a plane to go to my happy place.

254:: books, and the ability to read.

255:: living so close to the GO station, making trips to downtown Toronto so very easy.

256:: emails that make me smile.

257:: a job that I love!

258:: that every day is a new chance to trust God more.

Unshakeable {#237-246}

Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire. —Hebrews 12:28

If there is anything I have learned in this life, it is that nothing is secure. Things shake and wobble and fall down and break.

Nothing is secure.

Sitting here, I can think of many of the ways that my world has been shaken over the years. My family's car accident back in 1977. Gram's heart attack. Work issues. Dad's stroke. Death. Mom's cancer. Most recently, my nephew Jayden's cancer.

So many things that could leave one feeling turned inside out and upside down.

Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken...

As crazy as life can get, how grateful my heart is that none of the things that take my breath away, take God by surprise. None of these things that so shake my world, cause even a tremor is His. He, like His kingdom, is unshakeable.

And for this, today I worship my God...

* * * * *

Today I am thankful for...

237:: God's unshakeable kingdom.

238:: air conditioning on a crazy hot day.

239:: working my way back into routine.

240:: crossing things off the to-do lists.

241:: turning the last page of a delightfully entertaining book.

242:: starting and finishing a beautifully written memoir in 24 hours!

243:: the anticipation of a weekend visit from a good friend.

244:: a beautiful day to visit Niagara-on-the-Lake with @labellaverita.

245:: conversations full of both laughter and tears.

246:: the gift of two decades of friendship.

Leaning {#215-236}

"In that day the remnant of Israel and the survivors of the house of Jacob will no more lean on him who struck them, but will lean on the Lord, the Holy one of Israel, in truth." —Isaiah 10:20

As I read this verse this morning, the thing that struck me is that the people of Israel, in the good days to come, are not standing on their own two feet. There is no expectation for them to stand, but instead to lean. To me, I would assume that their standing would be the goal. But no... it is the destiny of God's people is not to stand, but instead to lean. And not just lean, but lean on the right thing—God and His truth.

As an independent person, a single girl who lives alone, I am a big fan of standing on my own two feet. My parents did a great job of teaching me how to do just so. After all, when you are the only one, you've got to take care of everything yourself. If I don't take the garbage out—as much as I hate the task—it doesn't get taken out. For the most part, I have become pretty adept at standing on these two size-ten feet.

But again, the assumption in this verse, and in others that have come to mind as I write this, is that our natural human posture isn't so much standing, but leaning.

The question—the truly important question—is what are we leaning on?

Too often I tend to trust my own 'wisdom' as my leaning post. (Apparently I have a short memory, as my own wisdom has, at times, been about as solid as a bowl of Jell-o!) Emotions, fickle as they can be, are no where near strong enough to lean on, especially in the dark, hard days.

Far too often in my life I have chosen to lean on things never designed to bear my weight or be trusted, and I have felt the accompanying pain of stumbling, and even hitting the ground.

There is only One that I can truly lean on, who is strong enough to hold me up, even when I am at my weakest.

Oh, for the grace to lean only on my God and His truth...

* * * * *

Today I am thankful for...

215:: the glory that are to-do lists.

216:: summer roasted vegetables for dinner.

217:: having lunch with my favorite niece, Megan, on her birthday.

218:: getting to read Jayden one of my favorite Dr. Seuss stories.

219:: handing out with the parents.

220:: a clear day to see the mountains from afar.

221:: finding the good coffee at the Alberta Children's Hospital.

222:: getting to watch SYTYCD with others who love it too!

223:: a good night's sleep after a horrible one.

224:: the excitement of our summer interns at PORTICO.

225:: a day off.

226:: being so blessed as to live in a free country.

227:: Starbucks Passion Fruit Lemonade on a hot day.

228:: not needing glasses!

229:: connecting with old friends visiting from Africa.

230:: a photo wave 'hi' from the Alberta Children's Hospital all the way to Mississagua.

231:: surgery going well, a little boy home playing trains.

232:: walking to the Streetsville Farmer's market with Saundra and buying the most fragrant strawberries ever!

233:: movie night with the girls and strawberry belgian waffles.

234:: a whole weekend of good sleep.

235:: waking up early to do my Life Journal, another step to getting the routine back.

236:: a God I can fully trust to lean on.

remembering the gratitude... {#207-214)

"I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder." —G.K. Chesterton

There are weeks when the gratitude—the seeing and naming of the gifts of God—seems to flow like a swollen spring stream. Then, there are others when I must force my eyes to see what is right in front of me.

Then there are weeks like these that I am in.

Weeks of crazy busyness.

Days when all that runs around my mind are the things yet undone, all those details that must be taken care of before I can get on the airplane on Friday night and feel as though everything here is good.

These are the days I am living in.

And the thing that gets sacrificed, is the noticing. I know the gifts are there. I can see them all around me, the ways God shows His love for me... I am just too busy to write them down. And at the end of the day, when my head finally stops spinning, remembering them to write them down is almost impossible.

So, there are not many gifts this week, not for a lack of them existing, just for a lack of paying attention.

This week, no matter how busy it will be, I will force myself to pay attention.

* * * * *

I am thankful for...

207:: a co-worker who always remembers to send me what I need before I need it... actually, well before I need it!

208:: a bus shelter in a torrential downpour.

209:: blonde{r} hair!

210:: Italian strawberry cake {photo to come}

211:: gracious friends who ate and raved about the cake, even though it wasn't completely baked, albeit very yummy, if I may say so myself!

212:: movie night with the girls.

213:: Sunday afternoon naps.

214:: "I have not stopped thanking God for you..." {Ephesians 1:16} All the friends who make my life the beautiful place that it is; this week in particular, my movie night girls, Barbara, Erynne, Merrilee, Jenn & Lyndsay. And, although absent geographically, always present in my soul on a movie night, Alicia...who comes home this week! {something else to be thankful for!}

What are you grateful for?

Good Words {#191-206}

Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad. —Proverbs 12:25

I love how this verse perfectly explains the power that one person's well-placed words can have on a heavy heart.

I can think back to times when my own heart was heavy and anxiety-ridden, and a few simple words from a friend, or even a stranger, made what was seemingly impossible to carry a bit easier, a bit lighter.

Too often, only the negative gets expressed in our culture. There seems to be no shortage of people and words designed to correct us, chastise us, or tell us what someone else thinks we are doing wrong...

...or nothing gets said. When something positive comes to mind that I could say, too often I choose not to, thinking that the other person probably doesn't need to hear what I have to say, or will think that I am a creeper, or just weird.

But as I sit here over my bowl of Cheerios, to my recollection, no kind, heart-lightening words ever spoken to me—by friend or stranger—was ever unneeded, ever unwanted.

Not one.

And if I could use some good words in my life, then chances are, so do those around me.

"In life you can never be too kind or too fair; everyone you meet is carrying a heavy load." —Brian Tracy

* * * * *

I am thankful for...

191:: the end of fireworks and the beginning of sleep!

192:: the first read of what has become a new favorite book, full of love, wonder and hope.

193:: a few days of quiet and rest to regain what I had lost.

194:: having both cotton puffs and ear drop to fight off an ear infection.

195:: the fact that wisdom isn't hidden, but still must be sought after.

196:: finally booking our flight to Paris!

197:: getting a room at my very favorite hotel in the world—the only place in Paris I have ever stayed.
198:: getting to now actually plan the trip. {130 days!}

199:: D & L getting some great news about Jayden, and the fact that he doesn't need to have radiation.

200:: a raspberry white chocolate scone from Kate's Bakery.201:: two words of life: Cafe Americano.

202:: time spent with a good friend, sharing our lives.

203:: making pie crust for the first time, and the fact that it actually worked! {no more fear!}

204:: that my parents are living a dream and are going to Ireland.

205:: for a job that I love, and the excitement to get back to it this morning.

206:: for all the kind words ever spoken to me—in person, electronically, on paper—and how they lifted my heart when I needed it.

As Each Day Requires {#178-190}

"Christ... is always there at the door of our souls, wanting to enter in, though he does not force our consent. If we agree to his entry, he enters; directly we cease to want him, he is gone. We cannot bind our will today for tomorrow; we cannot make a pact with him that tomorrow he will be with us, even in spite of ourselves. Our consent to his presence is the same as his presence. Consent is an act. It can only be actual, that is to say in the present. We have not been given a will that can be applied to the future." —Simone Weil

You know those times when it seems like God is trying to get you to pay attention to something, and in your humanness, you either write it off to coincidence, ignore it for the diversion of whatever is in front of you, or you just simply don't get it?

Yeah, I'm having one of those times.

My favorite Moleskine journal happens to be my very first one. Christmas 2006, my friend Ang gave me a Moleskine Plain Reporter's Notebook, and with that fantastic gift, my love of all things Moleskine was born. In this notebook, over the years, I have a collection of words—not only mine, but quotes of others, sermon notes, song lyrics, meeting notes—and even the occasional illustration or doodle. This journal contains my very favorite of things that I never want to leave home without.

When I was wandering through the journal last week, I once again was taken by the above Simone Weil quote... and this idea that we only have today.

This is something I struggle with. When I begin something, I want to know that I have the ability/resources/will power/ whatever to be able to continue doing something for the rest of my life. In my mind, if it is worth doing right now, it is worth doing forever... and conversely, if I cannot do it forever, then why should I bother doing it right now?

I also like to live in the future, to dream of the good things to come. A visit with my family, a new book, wandering the streets of Paris... somehow these things become much more delightful to dream about than whatever I am supposed to be focused on right now.

Ridiculous, right?!

Then in yesterday's Life Journal readings, I read Solomon's speech as the temple was completed, and noticed this in 1 Kings...

"Let these words of mine, which I have pleaded before the Lord, be near to the Lord our God day and night, that he may maintain the cause of his servant and the cause of his people Israel, as each day requires, the peoples of the earth may know that the Lord is God; there is no other. Let your heart therefore be wholly true to the Lord our God, walking in his statutes and keeping his commandments, as at this day." {vs. 59-61, italics mine}

As each day requires. Solomon, in all his wisdom, understood what Simone Weil also got, that all we have is today.

Each day must be lived on its own. I cannot change the past, I cannot manipulate the future, the only thing I have in my hands is today, this moment. This is the place, the arena, the playground where I can make the good choices, make a difference, make my mark, make my stand, make a life.

Here—today—is where I live.

The gifts I count today...

178:: homemade strawberry scones baking in the oven.

179:: the smell of freshly cut grass.

180:: waking in the gently falling rain.

181:: poetry. all poetry.

182:: seeing an opportunity to help a stranger, taking it, and seeing the gratitude in eyes I will never see again.

183:: super fun paper clips!

184:: holiday weekends, the chance to slow down.

185:: a steaming cup of tea on a cool, rainy evening.

186:: attempting a new slow cooker recipe, and having it be a success.

187:: hearing Jayden sing in the background while I talked to his dad on the phone.

188:: a telephone conversation with Nicky, the birthday boy, hearing how grown up he sounds, and simultaneously how funny he is.

189:: getting a chance to talk to Loralie.

190:: for today...for all that today will hold, all that it won't hold, and the grace to live it to the full.

doubt + faith {#159-177}

Dubito ergo cogito; cogito ergo sum.

(I doubt, therefore I think; I think, therefore I am.)

—Rene Descartes

I've known the second half of this quote forever. I think, therefore I am. Even quoted it in some of my more 'existential' moments. But only last week, when I was working on collecting quotes about doubt for work, did I discover that it was only half of the equation. That I was missing the first part.

The part about doubt.

Doubt isn't something I tend to think a lot about, until it is staring me in the face. It's one of those things that creeps up on you. If you're anything like me, you might even be able to convince yourself for a period of time that what you're feeling really isn't doubt, but something more a bit prettier... skepticism, perhaps.

But then comes the moment when you wake up in the middle of the night, and the thing sitting on the edge of your bed is none other than doubt himself, and he has no plans to let you go back to sleep.

Recently, I told my small group that my favorite person in the Bible is the father in Mark chapter 9 who brought his son to be healed of an unclean spirit by the disciples. But the disciples were unable to cast the spirit out. Jesus, after the father explained the situation to him, tells the father that anything is possible for the person who believes.

The father's response is one I have echoed in my heart so very many times, especially in the last six months:

I believe; help my unbelief! {vs. 24}

Too often, I forget that we humans are bundles of paradoxes. That we are capable of multiple and contrary things simultaneously. This father's desperate words on behalf of his son reminds me that the mixture of emotions that runs through me is perfectly normal. And this prayer has become one of my most frequent.

Sometimes I get lost in the intersection of knowing that my omnipotent God can do everything and anything, but just because He can doesn't mean that He will. Just because He is limitless, it doesn't mean that my desired, preferred, suzi-approved solution will be the one that God in His infinite and perfect wisdom will choose... especially given that my wisdom tends to be more of the selfish and human variety.

Is this doubt? Sometimes I think so, sometimes not. Most days, I think it is just the oh-so-slippery surface of faith.

“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us;
we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

—C.S. Lewis

But even in the midst of all that is, and all that could be, there are bright spots. Gifts from God that shine through all the stuff that I would rather forget, illuminating them in a way that I don't believe I would have ever seen them.

It is these gifts that I continue to count today...

159:: a new hair color & the absence of gray!

160:: a quiet, restful day on the sofa to nurse a cold.

161:: that even after days of not writing down the gifts, they are still there, waiting for me to notice them.

162:: a plane ticket to Calgary, and a chance to hang out with my favorite little people for a whole week in June!

163:: closing my office door behind me at the end of a long week, knowing I worked well, and everything is ready for Sunday.

164:: that no matter what happens—or doesn't happen—God is love.

165:: that I was born in a free country, into a family that loved and protected me.

166:: for my mom.

167:: the fact that you don't have to be a biological parent to make spiritual investments into the next generation.

168:: laughter at work.

169:: a quiet, peaceful morning.

170:: for a niece and nephews that I couldn't love more if I had given birth to them myself.

171:: that doubts are not fatal.

172:: friends who seek me out to pray with me when my heart is breaking.

173:: the perfect cafe Americano.

174:: that after the tickle-torture part of the pedicure, the massage part comes.

175:: khaki-colored toe nails.

176:: the knowledge of eternity, and how things here are hardly the end.

177:: that doubt and faith can co-exist, and that faith can win.

going my way... {#108-118}

Life does a good job of teaching us that things won't always go our way. Sometimes a brutally good job.

Our job, it seems to me, is to manage how we handle these things that don't go the way we want them to... how we deal with it when life goes pear-shaped and the only thing we can control is our own reaction to the situation.

There are days when I handle these things beautifully, and can see how much I have grown...

...and then there are the days that drown those good days out simply by their sheer volume. Days when I react more like a spoiled child in a grocery store who wants the chocolate and will use whatever means she can volume-wise to get it.

But I am learning and growing—although some days it hardly seems so—in the grace of God. This grace that I need more than air, as I count the gifts given to me, heals my dry, cracked soul, one golden drop at a time.

One drop at a time...

* * * * *

Golden drops of grace...

108. The four pounds of coffee Dad brought me back from Guatemala that are making my office smell like heaven.

109. Even when I am completely alone, my God is still here.

110. The smell of lavender.

111. Incredibly creative people who help me think outside of boxes of my own making.

112. Crawling into a freshly made bed.

113. God speaking when I set my ears to listen.

114. A mini road-trip with good friends.

115. Farmer's market flowers.
116. Reconnecting with a good friend after too much geography and too much time have gotten in the way.

117. Planning my 'Welcome To Spring' party.

118. A phone call from Mom...

grace & white space {#91-107}

it's too easy to define your life solely by the things you do not have. by those things that somehow, along the way, you had dreamed or wished you would have, but for whatever reason, simply have not arrived.

• a spouse
• children
• the 'right' home
• good friends
• the dream job
• any job
• good health
• {insert whatever it is you want but don't have}

it's far too easy to rehearse that list, and if one is not careful, they can begin to see their life solely in the context of what it isn't, of what is lacking.

as a graphic designer, i am a huge proponent of the concept of 'white space', which is leaving a portion of what you are designing blank and unmarked. instead of filling space up with more text or graphics, leaving white space creates room within the design, and allows the important elements that are on the page to breathe, and speak to the reader.

by not filling up the page, what is important can clearly be seen.

perhaps that is why God doesn't give us all the things that our hearts desire. maybe that is why he doesn't fill our lives so full of everything... because what, then, would we truly value? how would we know what was most important?

i cannot help but be grateful for the things that i wished for that didn't arrive, and the beautiful life it has afforded me...

...and for all the gifts, unexpected and rediscovered, that God does give me, and the grace to be able to count them.

* * * * *

i am so grateful for...

91. The blank cheque of hope, knowing that whatever I am waiting for, God is still the same.

92. The smell of fresh coffee grinding at Starbucks.

93. The fact that the things that happen to me are not my life, and all the lessons we are learning from Ecclesiastes.

94. Celebrating nephews who share the same birthday.

95. The privilege of walking through life with some amazing young women of God.

96. Spring cherry green tea on a morning when coffee won't do.

97. Sharing licorice babies with co-workers.

98. That no matter what the question is, hope in God is the answer.

99. Meeting with a friend over pink cupcakes to discuss what God is saying to each of us.

100. A Friday afternoon field trip to St. Jacobs—and starting the weekend early.

101. Find a beautiful new Lug—and having the self-control not to buy yet another one!

102. A pretty, floral-y scarf that feels amazing wrapped around me neck—and, apparently, makes my eyes look bluer.

103. The scrapbook mom made me of our trip to NYC, and sharing it with friends, old and new.

104. Watching Marie Antoinette with B & M over quiche and cupcakes.

105. Getting my first massage, and the friend in massage therapy school who made me homework!

106. My nephew N who asked his mother to have the pastors pray for his brother, J {who has been in a wheelchair since the discovery of tumors/cancer in December}, because N wants to go for a hike with J next week. N said to his mother, "God healed him before and He can do it again... I know it!"

107. How the faith of a child reminds me that sometimes I think and believe too much like a grown up.

soul health vs. soul neglect

Sitting at Starbucks last night, before my small group arrived, I was going through my Moleskine reporter notebook, reading over notes I had taken at the Leading From a Healthy Soul conference.

In one of the sessions, Mindy Caliguire explained the difference between a healthy soul, and one that has been neglected. Here are the symptoms of each:


Symptoms of soul neglect:

• fear
• defensiveness
• impatience
• lack of love
• lose sight of why we do what we do
• driven-ness
• isolation
• insomnia
• physical symptoms: digestive problems, headaches, etc.
• apathy
• judgmental
  
• rushed
• irritable
• insecurity

Symptoms of soul health:

• joyful composure
• fearless
  
• peace in real time, in all circumstances
• optimism/hope
• humility
• passion
• clarity
• affection for pursuing God
• flexibility
• forgiveness
• gentleness
• kindness
• fresh vision
• supernatural strength
• words of life
• opposite of bitterness

Re-reading this list has been a good wake up call for me. When too many of the first list start to make an appearance in my life, it's time for some 'soul spa' days.

What about you? How's your soul?

Gratitude & freedom... [#79-90}

Yesterday at PORTICO we had a movie screening of Freedom Fighter, the story of Rev. Majed El Shafie, himself once tortured for his Christian faith in Egypt, now the president and founder of One Free World International, fighting for those persecuted for their faith all over the world.

Here is a clip from the movie...



It's far too easy to live in religious freedom and think else everyone shares the same freedoms that we do. This moving film is designed to move those of us with all the freedom in the world to speak out for those who do not.

One way to get involved is to join the One Million Voices campaign. The way I see it, I have paid so very little for my own freedom, how could I not expend my energy and resources on behalf of those who have not been so blessed?

* * * * *

...and the gratitude list continues...

79. friends who push me to my dreams even when I doubt yourself.

80. a job that I love.

81. coffee. Starbucks. enough said.

82. going to sleep on Friday night and not turning the alarm on.

83. delightful little Italian pastries.

84. Rosamunde Pilcher's 'Winters Solstice' and beginning it again for at least the 24th time.

85. the balance of accomplishing things I didn't expect to and nothing I wanted to.

86. a strong, well-timed message I needed to hear.

87. summer roasted vegetables on a cold day.

88. walking into Starbucks and being greeted by my favorite baristas, who already know what I want.

89. curling up in my cozy bed with my Kobo in my hand, and Charlotte Martin's Piano Trees in my ears.

90. the simple, yet under-appreciated fact that by living in Canada, I have the gift and freedom of worshiping my God freely and without fear.

grace & poetry

There are days when it is easier than others to be grateful.

Some days, I find that I cannot write my gratitude gifts down in my Field Notes booklet fast enough. Other days, it seems that the blank page taunts me.

What I have learned, however, is that the days when nothing comes easy, those are the days that I most need to be grateful, that I most need to remember the good.

This week, with the advent of great news {see #62-64}, there is much to be grateful for. One of those things is a little poetry book I've been reading that simply makes my heart happy. And it fits perfectly in with this day of giving thanks...

Psalm For The January Thaw, Part 2.
—Luci Shaw, Harvesting Fog, p. 14,15

Glory be to God for changes. For bulbs
breaking the darkness with their green beaks.
For moles and moths and velvet green moss
waiting to fill the driveway cracks. For the way
the sun pierces the window minutes earlier each day.
For earthquakes and tectonic plates—earth's bump
and grind—and new mountains pushing up
like teeth in a one-year-old. For melodrama—
lightning on the sky stage, and the burst of applause
that follows. Praise him for day and night, and light
switches by the door. For seasons, for cycles
and bicycles, for whales and waterspouts,
for watersheds and waterfalls and waking
and the letter W, for the waxing and waning
of weather so that we never get complacent. For all
the world, and for the way it twirls on its axis
like an exotic dancer. For the north pole and the
south pole and the equator and everything between.

More grace gifts... {#60-78}

60. friends who come and sit and laugh and eat chocolate cake with you when you are down.

61. finding the perfect pair of jeans—on sale!

62. a lunch time phone call that brought good brilliant news.

63. tumors on Jayden's spine, breastbone and skull are gone... and the two that remain are smaller!

64. bone regeneration in his little body—even during chemotherapy!

65. that God thinks about me. {Ps. 40:17}

66. getting to hear what God is saying to the people I work with every Wednesday.

67. planning a Welcome To Spring party.

68. turning the last page on a book that has been nothing but a blessing.

69. a comfortable, albeit messy home, to rest in when one is not feeling well.

70. english breakfast tea in a beautiful cup.

71. a full house at Starbucks that forced us to have coffee at the place we usually reserve for special occasions.

72. heating pad on cold days.

73. a hand massage.

74. the trilogy that reminds us that no matter how much bad happens, good will win in the end.

75. beginning a book I have long wanted to read.

76. herbes de Provence olive oil.

77. peanut butter and homemade strawberry jam on toast.

78. the friend whose birthday it is today. {happy, happy day, Merrilee!}

gratitude...

Happy Monday!

It was a good, but relatively quiet weekend in my world. There was a good deal of reading, some not enough writing, and my first two whole nights of sleep in almost a week. That alone is enough to have made this a good weekend!

As we live our lives through these days that at times seem so very long, yet are passing by so briskly, I have yet again found myself in one of Rilke's poems. How grateful I am for the wisdom and beauty with which he wrote...

Knots of Our Own Making
{Rainer Maria Rilke, The Book of Hours II, 16}

How surely gravity's law,
strong as an ocean current,
takes hold of even the smallest thing
and pulls it toward the heart of the world.
Each thing—
each stone, blossom, child—
is held in place.
Only we, in our arrogance,
push out beyond what we each belong to
for some empty freedom.
If we surrendered
to earth's intelligence
we could rise up rooted, like trees.
Instead we entangle ourselves
in knots of our own making
and struggle, lonely and confused.
So, like children, we begin again
to learn from the things,
because they are in God's heart;
they have never left him.

#31-59 of my One Thousand Gifts...

31. postponed plans that give the gift of time.

32. an unexpected conversation with a stranger at the laundromat.

33. getting to chat with one of my brothers, even if only for a few minutes.

34. blog comments that encourage and make me smile.

35. the beginning of Lent, and the yearly physical reminder that Easter is coming.

36. having friends that i can email to ask to pray for Jayden's tests.

37. the friend who emailed me back to say i could count on her to pray & that she loved me.

38. another friend's sweet response that brought tears to my eyes.

39. and another beautiful friend.

40. and another.

41. and another.

42. all the amazing, encouraging, beautiful friends that God has blessed me with.

43. tests done in good time, a hungry little boy & a trip to McDonald's.

44. the unusual ability to keep my mouth firmly closed when nothing but sarcasm was going to come out.

45. the blissful peace of a Friday night at home.

46. turning the first few pages of a Cara Black Parisian mystery novel.

47. finishing that same book the next day.

48. getting a dreaded chore done before 10:00 am

49. homemade potato cheddar soup.

50. finally getting an entire night's sleep.

51. re-reading a book and being more moved and challenged the second time.

52. trusting that no matter what news this week brings, God is still God, still in control, still love.

53. overripe bananas that sacrificed themselves to become banana praline pecan biscotti and blueberry banana bread.
54. reconnecting with a friend through laughter and tears.

55. being able to share some of my stupidest moments and knowing my friend will still love me.

56. birds singing in the tree outside.

57. my parents.

58. Rilke's poetry.

59. the grace to begin again.

gratitude list {#1-#30}

even when you love your job, there are times, when the alarm heralds that the new week has arrived, that you simply want to hurl the offending thing across the room, roll over, and finding a cool spot on the pillow, pretend that it really isn't true.

but it is. and each day is a gift.

including mondays, when i'm tired, didn't get everything i wanted to done on the weekend, and would trade my coffeemaker for more sleep.

today is a gift.

thanks to Ann Voskamp, and her book One Thousand Gifts {i hope you're not tired of me mentioning this book, because i'm certainly not tired of it yet!}, i have begun counting my own one thousand gifts… one thousand gifts from God that i am grateful for.

each monday, i will share my updated list with you.

here we go…

#1-30 of my very own One Thousand Gifts...

1. hearing a little boy say, 'i love you…' for the first time ever.

2. a comfortable old wool sweater that feels like a friend.

3. sitting at Starbucks alone, knowing that shortly friends will join me.
4. seeing an old couple walk down the street hand in hand.

5. old ladies of great faith who are not afraid to kick my butt spiritually when i need it.

6. khakis that fit perfectly.

7. candles and tea during Life Journal & morning pages.
8. snow falling perfectly.

9. vanilla rooibus tea latte.

10. a friend who goes out of her way to make my life easier.

11. the sun going behind the clouds, creating an unexpected haven of shade.

12. a swift, much-needed wake-up call to a major problem in the world.

13. "Monet Refuses the Operation", a poem by Lisel Mueller.

14. the quiet moments of a new day.

15. knowing that i have enough.

16. friends who help when i am down.

17. a clean kitchen table to start the day with Jesus at.

18. working crazy hard and getting everything done.

19. lunch & laughter.

20. planning a trip to Paris.

21. dad coming home from his missions trip safely.

22. a new Bible to learn from.

23. bananas ripe enough to become something even more yummy.

24. the person outside shoveling a snowy path for me.

25. awakenings—both slow and swift.

26. homemade strawberry jam.

27. a Jane Austen movie night with fellow JA lovers.

28. an unexpected and delightful lunch date.

29. sunday afternoon naps.

30. the time to start and finish a book in one weekend.

gifts

so many things run into each other, crashing, bumping and moving around in my mind. like bumper cars.

hit and bounce.

move on.

hit and bounce.

hit and bounce.

people, more importantly friends, i believe, come into our lives at times when we most need them. i've seen it happen time and again throughout my 16,000 plus days. so, for someone who sees books as friends, the arrival of Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts has been a welcomed addition to my life.

a well-timed, beautifully written book can help clarify all that seems muddled and jumbled and impossibly tangled in my mind. and the combination of this book, studying Ecclesiastes with my small group, and good friends who listen as i try to detangle everything going on in my mind has made the last few days a gift.

not a completely pain-free gift, but a gift nonetheless.

but even as i read and pray and talk, recognizing the wisdom here, i realize that one cannot swallow it all whole and expect to live it out from that moment on perfectly. wisdom doesn't work that way. not much that is truly important in life does.

"For all real answers, don't they come in strata, gradations of understanding? —Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

for all the important things in life, time is the necessary ingredient. time to work it out, live it out, let the gift of wisdom seep into your soul and change you from the inside out.

so all these gifts, these words—written, spoken and prayed—are my companions through this season of too much silence, not enough answers, and a renewed discovery of grace.

my heart is filled with gratitude...

He is risen.

the Christian religion asks us to put our trust not in ideas, and certainly not in ideologies, but in a God who was vulnerable enough to become human and die, and who desires to be present to us in ordinary circumstances. | Kathleen Norris

* * * * *

today, after this morning's easter worship service at PORTICO, i will meet my dad at the airport, and we will drive down to the southern most part of the country, for the funeral of my uncle silvio.

i've never been on a road trip with just dad before. usually dad goes on road trips with my brothers, and when we lived in the same province, mom and i did go on one or two. so while the reason for the trip is one of sadness, i am happy for the chance to do this with my dad.

it is a wonderment to me that it has been over ten years since i have seen many of my aunts, uncles and cousins. it will be good to be among people with whom i share so much history.

i love this quote by Kathleen Norris, and it fits with how i'm feeling today. as much as we would like to believe that we are invincible, death is as much a part of life as birth. after all, tomorrow evening i will walk through the doors of the funeral home that only ten months ago i walked through to say good-bye to my grandfather for the last time.

two funerals in ten months.

in the past ten months, we have only had one new arrival to my immediate family, making the exit from this world more ordinary than the entrance.

i need a God whose desire is to be in my ordinary circumstances. mostly because i'm not always sure i can handle the commonplace on my own, even on a good day.

so, this morning, my heart is filled with gratitude and worship for this risen Jesus.

He is risen, indeed.

long time coming...

about a million years ago, or, more accurately, in the late '80s, i fell in love with the ice dancing brother/sister duo Isabelle and Paul Duchesnay. they competed for canada, but most notably for france, and were, in my estimation, the best and most original in the world at the time.

but there was always heartbreak. sure, they won a world championship title in 1991, but in the 1988 olympic games, their jungle-themed free dance was not at all looked upon favorably by the judges, and they ended up in eighth place. even the silver medal that they won in albertville's 1992 olympics was bittersweet, as they had been favored to win gold, and by all rights, they should have.

their second place finish in the '92 games, was the last time that they competed as amateurs. and with their moving on to the professional world, i really didn't think that there was anything that could make me watch ice dancing, or even figure skating again.

until now.

congratulations Tessa Virture and Scott Moir. and thank you, not only for bringing the gold medal home to canada, but also for helping me rediscover a long lost love.

and then it was thursday...

it's been a busy morning so far.

i woke up at 5:15 am, did my personal devotions, wrote three pages, watched a few minutes of the Today Show, all before i walked to work. coffee is made. now just as i begin my work day, with Charlotte Martin's Piano Trees playing, i am filled with gratitude...

...for my family.
...for this job i have the privilege of doing.
...for my health.
...for friends.
...for coffee.
...for long weekends.
...for warm boots.
...for laughter.

...but mostly, for grace, without which one of the other things would really matter.

what are you grateful for today?

granted or gratitude

i don't know about you, but contentment can be the most elusive thing in the world for me. it is one of my most basic struggles. one of the biggest ways i struggle with contentment is always wanting to be in paris. it doesn't matter what day it is or what i am doing, if you ask me at any moment in life where i want to be, i can pretty much guarantee you that the answer would be the city of lights.

there are different ways of coping with things... the weapon of choice in the phaneuf family has almost always been humor.

how i love my family!

when it comes to life
the critical thing is whether
you take things for granted
or take them with gratitude. | g.k. chesterton

p.s. the picture is a product of staying after work for the Book of Acts class, wanting to be in paris, and having eaten too many gummy bears in one sitting...