missing Easter

it's only eight days until i board a plane and head to Kiev, Ukraine.

i feel the need to keep repeating the above sentence in my head, partly because it doens't seem real, and partly because it's all too real & happening so quickly. perhaps when i start packing this weekend it will seem a little more real...

it hit me about a week or so ago that since Ukraine celebrates Orthodox Easter on April 27, as opposed to the March 23 holiday we celebrate, we will miss Easter this year. it surprised me that i really feel a loss about this. after all, we who love and follow Jesus shouldn't need a holiday to remind us of the sacrifice he made so we could have a way back to God. but, nonetheless, i feel a sense of loss.

so, because of this sense of loss, i picked up a book that i bought after Easter a couple of years ago, but haven't yet read, called The Last Eyewitness: The Final Week, by chris seay and david capes. the book tells the story of the last week of Jesus life through the eyes of the disciple john at the end of his life.

one part that has had a profound effect on me, is in one of the first chapters, where john recounts when Jesus, at the last supper, washed the disciples' feet. after he goes into some detail, the author wrote this,

When Jesus washed our feet he made an announcement to all who follow his path that life would not be about comfort, health, prosperity, and selfish pursuit.

too often, we Christ followers think that 'happy' is the default emotion of our lives. when we have struggles, trials, or things that move us away from the comfortable, happy place that we like our lives to be in, we think that it is bad, it is wrong. but Jesus never promised us the we would always be happy. he showed us how to rejoice in our suffering. he showed us how to love when everyone around us seems to be against us. he showed us how to trust the invisible God when everything we can see betrays us.

so, this is how i will spend my easter season this year...trusting the God i cannot see, regardless of what is happening around me...

seriously?!

this morning, while i was chopping green onions for tuna salad, i caught a bit of news that seems a bit outrageous. apparently elton john is playing in sudbury, and when the tickets went on sale, city councillors got the first crack to buy tickets.

(pause)

do you see the tragedy here? i'm still waiting for it to sink in, but all i can think of is 'Who Cares?!' they are concert tickets! perhaps if they were releasing the cure for AIDS or handing out a million dollars, then i could see the tragedy here.

seriously, people, find something bigger to get angry about. abuse. hunger. poverty. true injustice. then perhaps you won't mind paying for the cheap seats, while you know that the bulk of your money is going to something that will actually bring change.

seriously...

now, if one of those sudbury city councilors tried to cut ahead of me in line at starbucks...

friends

days until i leave for kiev: 25
days until i am in paris: 40
listening: allison crowe's 'secrets'

ah, the first 'family day' in ontario...such peace, such quiet. i've already finished two books today, and am looking forward to getting started on another. perhaps in my world i shall call today 'reading day'. much better suited.

i have long looked at my books as friends...friends who have challenged me, made me laugh or cry, exposed and made me move beyond the selfish comfort that i too often seek. mark twain once wrote, "books are for people who wish they were somewhere else”." i think that this is a pretty accurate assessment of me! paul sweeney also proved he understands when he wrote, "you know you've read a good book when you turn the last page and feel a little as if you have lost a friend.”

and sad as it is, at least you can always go back and visit that friend again.

the ironic comedy of being human

only 31 hours ago i was sitting in a room with the rest of PORTICO's staff for our weekly prayer time. the only thing on my mind to pray for, when it came to be my turn, was that we hopelessly frail humans would not see our trials and struggles as bad things that we need to beat or erase from our lives, but rather to see them as God sees them, vehicles to help us grow.

but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. (romans 5:3-4)

such a short time ago...and here i sit today, wanting it all to go away. willing to trade perseverance, character and hope for the knowledge that everything will work out okay. i've never been a big fan of pain-induce growth...to be honest, i'm not a fan of pain of any kind. which is why it is a good thing that i am not in control. if i was, i would probably still be safely sitting behind a desk in a credit union, never knowing that some of the best experiences of my life would have vanished like a forgotten dream.

in my first week of work at cameron's christian bookstore, stuart cameron quoted a book he had been reading. he quoted, 'never doubt in the dark what God has told you in the light.' so in this time of unknown, questions and whatever else it holds, i will not doubt what i know to be true. and if i waver, my friends, i ask you to remind me.

p.s. happy freaking valentine's day! fortunately, since i already think this day is useless, one of the 364 good days of the year was not ruined!

running

i haven't written for a while.

there is enough self-awareness in me to know that when i don't write for extended periods of time that the reason i am not writing is a lack of desire to face whatever it is that i am afraid will come out in my words. what cowardice...to be afraid of that which i carry with me wherever i go anyway.

there are times when i feel like i am more playing the role of a grown up than actually being one. as though, one day, someone will realize that the real person inside this 41-year old graphic designer, is the awkward twelve-year old who never felt like she fit in anywhere, who would rather use crayons and paint than a G5 and Wacom tablet.

so, as usual, in times such as these, i have to turn to my good friend, Rilke, to see if he has any wisdom that will help me make sense of my life...and as usual, he has not let me down. i've quoted this one before, and, well, who am i kidding, i will quote this again. it's from his book, The Book of Hours: Love Poems to God, and on nights like these, it helps me sleep.

She who reconciles the ill-matched threads
of her life, and weaves them gratefully
into a single cloth—
it's she who drives the loudmouths from the hall
and clears it for a different celebration

where the one guest is you.
In the softness of evening
it's you she receives.

You are the partner of her loneliness,
the unspeaking center of her monologues.
With each disclosure you encompass more
and she stretches beyond what limits her,
to hold you.

words of an old friend...

given all that i've been feeling this year, i found this quote by Vincent van Gogh, and cannot help but think that perhaps it is a message that i most definitely need to hear.

“There may be a time in life when one is tired of everything and feels as if all one does is wrong, and there maybe some truth in it- do you think this is a feeling one must try to forget and to banish, or is it 'the longing for God,' which one must not fear, but cherish to see if it may bring us some good? Is it 'the longing for God' which leads us to make a choice which we never regret? Let us keep courage and try to be patient and gentle. And not mind being eccentric, and make distinction between good and evil.”

2008

it is a new year.

and with this new year, comes all the things that come with every year; renewed hope for the dreams not yet fulfilled, the realization that while i am where i want to be in some areas, there are still those elusive battles that i cannot yet seem to win.

one such battle, again, is the one i fight with loneliness every time i come back from visiting the family. it's a strange dichotomy that while surrounded by my favorite people, i crave the silence and stillness of my home, yet, now as i sit here in my solitary abode, my heart desires those same noisy, nosey, laughing people.

it seems that for the most part, i do not really know what i want. so, in light of that, i have found a Rilke poem that suits this melancholy mood. it echoes in my heart, and i have nothing else to say.

I Am Too Much Alone In This World, And Yet Not Alone

I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone enough
to truly consecrate the hour.
I am much too small in this world, yet not small enough
to be to you just object and thing,
dark and smart.
I want my free will and want it accompanying
the path which leads to action;
and want during times that beg questions,
where something is up,
to be among those in the know,
or else be alone.

I want to mirror your image to its fullest perfection,
never be blind or too old
to uphold your weighty wavering reflection.
I want to unfold.
Nowhere I wish to stay crooked, bent;
for there I would be dishonest, untrue.
I want my conscience to be
true before you;
want to describe myself like a picture I observed
for a long time, one close up,
like a new word I learned and embraced,
like the everday jug,
like my mother's face,
like a ship that carried me along
through the deadliest storm.