unjustified

something strange happened recently that i have vowed to myself never to repeat.

it began with a conversation where i was explaining my writing cycle to a friend, how i get up {or try to} early every morning to write, when someone else said, "that's because she's not married and doesn't have children."

my stomach dropped.

immediately i went into justification mode, and that little twinge of guilt i feel whenever someone married says how they wish they could have my 'free time', went into overdrive.

so what did i do? i justified my life, mostly by belittling it, saying that i know how 'lucky' i am to not be tied down...blah...blah...blah...

now looking back on the incident, i have to ask myself why? why did i feel guilty? why did i feel the need to defend my life?

conversely, none of my married friends has ever felt the need to apologize for their marriage or the benefits it has. so why does this single woman feel that need?

to be honest, this single life is not one i would have chosen. had i know at 24 that 20 years later i would still be single, i very likely would have done something stupid. what an incredible gift not to know the future!

i have shed the tears and mourned the dreams that most young girls have over how they think their life will turn out. the white dress. the handsome, loving groom. the picket fence. tiny, pink babies. the comfort of growing old with someone.

i have fought with God over this incessant singleness, at times as though he were holding my heart's desires just beyond reach, and through it all, i have come to see that this life, mistakes and missteps included, is just how it should be. not something to be explained away merely because i don't have a ring on my finger and someone waiting for me at home.

so i am done. i will no longer justify my life, my singleness. i will no longer allow anyone else's words to cause me to feel that i have somehow cheated the system because my life didn't take the traditional path, or i have different liberties than others.

after all, this is the life God has granted me. he's not apologizing for it, so why should i?