too alone

tonight is one of those nights. actually, it's been this whole day.

i know that Jesus said not to worry.

        but i'm worrying.

fear is on the 'avoid' list as well.

        i am more fearful than i want to let on.

there is a world of difference between alone and lonely.

        in this moment, how i wish i were simply alone.

i know it won't last. and i am aware that Sundays sometimes bring this out in me, especially when i know that my family is 2689 kilometers away laughing and playing games in my parent's new kitchen, as i sit alone here in mine.

when i am feeling this way, i crave the words of my favorite poet, Ranier Maria Rilke. this is from his Book of Hours: Love Poems to God, and there are few inanimate objects on earth than i love more than this book. {although, i do wish i still had my copy...}

I am too alone in the world
by Ranier Maria Rilke

I am too alone in the world, and yet not alone enough
to make every hour holy.
I am too small in the world, and yet not tiny enough
just to stand before you like a thing,
dark and shrewd.
I want my will, and I want to be with my will
as it moves towards deed;
and in those quiet, somehow hesitating times,
when something is approaching,
I want to be with those who are wise
or else alone.
I want always to be a mirror that reflects your whole being,
and never to be too blind or too old
to hold your heavy, swaying image.
I want to unfold.
Nowhere do I want to remain folded,
because where I am bent and folded, there I am untrue.
And I want my meaning
true for you. I want to describe myself
like a painting that I studied
closely for a long, long time,
like a word I finally understood,
like the pitcher of water I use every day,
like the face of my mother,
like a ship
that carried me
through the deadliest storm of all.

Rilke writes things so much more breathtakingly beautiful than i can sometimes endure.

...where I am bent and folded, i am untrue.

i also desire to be unfolded, and true. the process is seldom a painless one, and in these times when i must face that which i would rather not, i must remember that the gain is worth whatever the unfolding brings.


        i want to unfold.